Chuck Norris

[Damini]

I'll roundhouse anyone who says it's a Glen.



Taken from: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris was known to eat 3 meals a day!.... well he was pretty normal when it came to eating, his meals consisted of aborted fetuses and female goats milk

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

[ECA]

Why dont you just post the vin diesal ones as well? :/

 

[throdgrain]

Funny , shame its not about someone Ive heard of though !


/note, I obviously have heard of Chuck Norris, but I dont think Ive ever seen him on tv or owt

 

[ECA]

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

 

[Damini]

Why dont you just post the vin diesal ones as well? :/

Because Summo posted them before.

 

[Wazzerphuk]

Argh. Bad enoguh getting unfunny cack in e-mail!

(Hi Dams! )

 

[Damini]

Screw you, hippy.

(Hi Wazzer!)

 

[Wazzerphuk]

Don't call me a hippie. They make me angry. Hippies must die!

 

[TdC]

I once saw Mike Patton at a fastival. He also claimed hippies should be erased from this planet. In fact he said: "I saw a bunch of hippies and they made my day SUUUUCK!!!1".

tbh he didn't actually say the "1", but he made the point come across.

 

[Ch3tan]

Don't call me a hippie. They make me angry. Hippies must die!

Start with yourself. One less hippy in the world.

 

[throdgrain]

Swift is a stoodent, hes got one of them long coats and a wispy beard. He told me and Trem ages ago

 

[TdC]

rofl not too far from the truth

 

[Shovel]

Funny , shame its not about someone Ive heard of though!

/note, I obviously have heard of Chuck Norris, but I dont think Ive ever seen him on tv or owt

Yeah, same here. I've somehow managed to completely miss the Chuck Norris phenonomon as well. I'm still utterly confused by his presence the 'let them play' vote in Dodgeball, for instance.

Could someone please sum up 'Who and why is Chuck Norris' in as few words as possible? That way Throddy and I will nolonger feel so left out.

 

[Mazling]

He was an American karate champion for many years, and starred alongside Bruce Lee in 'Way of the Dragon' as a bad guy. Needless to say the end fight is brilliant. Since that time he's been the predecessor to Steven Seagal - doing a few forgettable movies, as well as making himself more socially active in that 'oh dear what is that one up to now' celeb kind of way. He is also quite hairy.

Steven Seagal vs. Chuck Norris: high on energy bars/drinks, a dazed Steven Seagal is led astray by cunning placement of threatened Native-Americans/Eskimos/small children, and his promptly roundhouse kicked in the head by Chuck.

 

[PLightstar]

I should not read this stuff when im at work, my boss came in and I had to contain my laughing by chewing on a pen. Though it ended up with me looking like I was having am ashma attack, everyone kept asking if I was ok.

 

[Tom]

Chuck Norris vs Steven Seagal - now thats a fight I'd like to see.

 

[Bodhi]

Pfft.....Jet Li would whup them both.

 

[nath]

Pfft.....Jet Li would whup them both.

One of the few things we agree on

 

[Tom]

Pfft.....Jet Li would whup them both.

No way could Jet Li get his punch in past Chuck's beard though.

 

[Jupitus]

No way could Jet Li get his punch in past Chuck's beard though.

Chuck's beard is Jet Li's daddy.


(His pubes are Jet Li's mum... go figure )

 

[PLightstar]

Jet Li was born when Bruce Lees sweat splashed against Chuck's beard while they were fighting. The great Martial Artists sweat chemicaly bonded with strands of hair on the super tough beard and created a pod, which a few years down the line created Jet Li.

 

[Tom]

Just to say that it was Jackie Chan who incubated the pod.

 

[PLightstar]

That actually makes more sense

 

[Bodhi]

Just to say that it was Jackie Chan who incubated the pod.

Jackie Chan isn't fit to lick Jet Li's pod tho in all honesty.

 

[PLightstar]

Not his new Hollywood films but hes old chinese films kick Jet Li's arse.

 

[Tom]

Jet Li's bone structure was actually formed from the broken bones of Jackie Chan's failed stunts.

 

[Bodhi]

And Jackie Chan was made out of Peter Crouch's poo.

 

[Moo]

I'll roundhouse anyone who says it's a Glen.



Taken from: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris was known to eat 3 meals a day!.... well he was pretty normal when it came to eating, his meals consisted of aborted fetuses and female goats milk

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

who the fuck is chuck norris?

 

[PLightstar]

use the wise Answers.com
http://www.answers.com/main/ntquery?s=chuck+norris&gwp=13

Differnent Generation, know nothing of the classics

 

[Wazzerphuk]

who the fuck is chuck norris?

Thanks for quoting the whole bloody thing.