Tosen
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- May 20, 2004
- Messages
- 1,345
A mate gave me this list, I found it extremely funny, and laughed at all the 122 of them!
Not sure if it has been posted before, but :worthy: he who came up with all this shit
Time to laugh:
-----------------------------
Chuck Norris traded his soul to the devil for his amazing speed and karate skills and once the transaction was complete, he round-house kicked the devil and stole his soul back.
Before president Trueman dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, the original plan was to send Chuck Norris over, but everyone thought that was too inhumane.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris's chief export is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Sadly, Chuck Norris has never cried.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick down an entire forest.
Chuck Norris, more than meets the eye. Chuck Norris, robot in disguise.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
Chuck Norris built a time machine just to go back in time and roundhouse kick Genghis Khan.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin. Only another fist.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can stop the rock.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Chuck Norris was crossing a street one time, and he hit a truck.
Chuck Norris once faked an epilepsy attack (cause he can't get sick in any way) in a middle of a football game. There were no survivors.
This guy once though about killing Chuck Norris, and he instantly died.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cookin'. Fear.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't run, he increases earths rotation speed.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo hides.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
In Pulp Fiction, the briefcase didn't belong to Marsellus, it belonged to Chuck Norris. Inside was a toothbrush, a peanuts comic, and the playboook of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris travelled back 65 millions of years in time to shoot Jurassic Park 1 without any CG, and all the extras died.
Chuck Norris does not exercise, he just stares down the bowflex and says download your powers into my body or else I'll karate kick you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYAH!".
Chuck Norris tried to wear sunglasses once, but they couldn't stand his constant stare, and shattered after mere seconds.
When you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always replies "two seconds left" Two seconds til what? Two seconds till he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paraolympics.
Chuck Norris's penis is longer than the Nile River and the Great Wall of China combined.
Chuck Norris killed Superman and ate his babies.
Chuck Norris fucked a black hole just to prove how big his dick is.
Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
Chuck Norris told Bush to invade Iraq, as they would not take syndication of Walker, texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris is the creator of Ving Rhames, one of the most convincing badass androids in existence.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
Chuck Norris is only 1 of 3 people who are allowed to divide by zero.
Chuck Norris invented babies because he got tired of eating the same old thing.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
An assassination attempt was taken upon Chuck Norris’s life; he was poisoned, shot repeatedly, beaten, and then tossed into an icy river. He later rose from the river in the springtime and proceeded to savagely destroy downtown Tokyo. The events were later written recorded in written form and became known as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Chuck Norris' Monopoly piece is a small beard made from 24k gold. When he is sent to jail he passes Go AND he collects his 200 dollars.
Chuck Norris is the only being alive to ever win a game of Monopoly not owning any property.
Whenever Chuck Norris works out on his Total Gym, he drinks a protein shake made of the flesh and organs of Viet Cong soldiers that he killed back in 'Nam. Nothing helps build muscle faster.
Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.
Lance Armstrong onces made fun of Chuck Norris. As a result Chuck Norris challenged Lance to a bikerace using the Tour de France's actual course. Instead of peddling Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his bike the length of the course and beat Lance by three days. Lance immediatly protested the result and Chuck roundhouse kicked him. As a result Lance's hair became part of Chuck Norris' beard and he lost his testicle. Lance didn't have cancer he was just a victim of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Christopher Reeve was one of the few to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was born with three nipples; the third is hidden under his chin. As a baby, he breast fed himself.
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.
One time a group of evil ninja's hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris' beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power. Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick. He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.
"Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years old.
Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris was originally meant to be a member of the A-Team.
Chuck Norris and Anakin Skywalker once fought a great battle. Chuck Norris won, of course, and then he stole Anakin's personality. He had sex With Padme and was the reason that Luke and Leia were born. He didn't want to be a father so he brought Anakin back to life as Darth Vader. He then implanted the lie that Anakin was their father in Anakin's brain.
Chuck Norris invaded France. And won.
Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.
Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" repeated hundreds of times. This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious. In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still roundhouse kicks the hell out of you. He is not for the people.
Chuck Norris breastfeeds John Madden.
Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn't ever run away again.
After seeing Stallone's 1985 feature film "Rambo: First Blood Part II," Chuck Norris appeared convinced that there were still American prisoners being held in Vietnam. Upon his arrival there, the Communist Vietnamese government denied the existance of any such prisoners. Chuck Norris immediately began a proccess he later coined "search by elimination", in which he delivered fatal roundhouse kicks to random Vietnamese until the only warm bodies left belonged to the forementioned Americans. After seeing the country's population drop by 25% in less than 72 hours, the panicked government hastily payed some American tourists to pose as prisoners so that Chuck could rescue them and end the slaughter. This deception did not go unnoticed by Chuck Norris: the current Bird Flu crisis is the result.
During Chuck Norris's travels, he impregnated an estimated 28 million women. The offspring from these pregnancies call themselves the "Chuckinese" and are currently seeking independence. Their one distinguishing trait is that both men and women have full beards.
Schwarzenegger's 1987 movie "Predator" is the first film in which Chuck Norris appeared on screen in his non-human form.
Chuck Norris is so fast that "NFL on Fox" uses him to paint the first down marker after every play. To make it disappear, he need only stare at it and the line removes itself.
Vitamins are actually re-processed from Chuck Norris' shit.
Everclear water is from Chuck Norris' piss.
Chuck Norris impregnates women just by looking at them.
Chuck Norris Beard cannot be shaven. The reason is that it hold the our galaxy together once shaven the existence of our galaxy as we know it will be sucked into his beard. Further on upon the death of Chuck Norris his beard will still hold the galaxy together and will be inshrined in the center of the universe.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can stop time and roundhouse-kick anyone, anytime, anywhere.
January 2004, CNN questioned Chuck Norris about him recently practicing round houses underwater off the coast of Indonesia. His only reply was "no comment."
Contrary to popular belief the continents did not drift apart over millions of years but in a single day when Chuck Norris was walking across Pangaea and mentioned that he wanted to swim, right here, and right now.
The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietname was not to make suprise attacks on South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris...
The residue left in Chuck Norris' pants after he farts is 3.5 times more unstable than nitro glycerin.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked China, hence the flat faces.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Chuck Norris's beard hairs were instrumental in the construction of the space shuttle.
Chuck Norris can shoot at cars with a revolver and make them explode. He told me all you have to do is make a real macho face when you're aiming and you'll hit the gas tank everytime.
A foolish man once asked Chuck Norris, "Boxers or briefs?" Chuck Norris laughed a mighty and cheerful laugh, then tore the man’s intestines out of his ass and used them to strangle him. Yes, remarkable as it may sound, it appears there are some people who are simply unaware that a man as sexy as Chuck Norris can't help but go commando.
Chuck Norris is the only one who knows exactly how many licks it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Why? Because if someone else finds out, Chuck Norris locks them into a small room and makes them watch Total Gym TV spots until they forget.
A man once fired a bullet at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris swallowed the bullet and proceeded to drop his pants. Chuck Norris then bent over and fired the bullet out of his ass, blowing the man's head off.
Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.
After staring at the American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris pops up.
Chuck Norris can throw a 135 mph fastball with his moustache.
Double Stuff Oreos give Chuck Norris his power, not the single stuff ones, those are for pussies.
Each of the hairs in Chuck Norris' beard have his face on the end of them. None of them smile. Booya.
Chuck Norris made a twelve year old girl cry twice by wiping his bloody penis on her teddy bear.
Chuck Norris is the reason why men go gay.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the groin to get off. When that doesn't work, he kicks someone else in the groin.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris does simply walk into Mordor.
Not sure if it has been posted before, but :worthy: he who came up with all this shit
Time to laugh:
-----------------------------
Chuck Norris traded his soul to the devil for his amazing speed and karate skills and once the transaction was complete, he round-house kicked the devil and stole his soul back.
Before president Trueman dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, the original plan was to send Chuck Norris over, but everyone thought that was too inhumane.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris's chief export is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Sadly, Chuck Norris has never cried.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick down an entire forest.
Chuck Norris, more than meets the eye. Chuck Norris, robot in disguise.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
Chuck Norris built a time machine just to go back in time and roundhouse kick Genghis Khan.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin. Only another fist.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can stop the rock.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Chuck Norris was crossing a street one time, and he hit a truck.
Chuck Norris once faked an epilepsy attack (cause he can't get sick in any way) in a middle of a football game. There were no survivors.
This guy once though about killing Chuck Norris, and he instantly died.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cookin'. Fear.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't run, he increases earths rotation speed.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo hides.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
In Pulp Fiction, the briefcase didn't belong to Marsellus, it belonged to Chuck Norris. Inside was a toothbrush, a peanuts comic, and the playboook of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris travelled back 65 millions of years in time to shoot Jurassic Park 1 without any CG, and all the extras died.
Chuck Norris does not exercise, he just stares down the bowflex and says download your powers into my body or else I'll karate kick you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYAH!".
Chuck Norris tried to wear sunglasses once, but they couldn't stand his constant stare, and shattered after mere seconds.
When you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always replies "two seconds left" Two seconds til what? Two seconds till he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paraolympics.
Chuck Norris's penis is longer than the Nile River and the Great Wall of China combined.
Chuck Norris killed Superman and ate his babies.
Chuck Norris fucked a black hole just to prove how big his dick is.
Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
Chuck Norris told Bush to invade Iraq, as they would not take syndication of Walker, texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris is the creator of Ving Rhames, one of the most convincing badass androids in existence.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
Chuck Norris is only 1 of 3 people who are allowed to divide by zero.
Chuck Norris invented babies because he got tired of eating the same old thing.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
An assassination attempt was taken upon Chuck Norris’s life; he was poisoned, shot repeatedly, beaten, and then tossed into an icy river. He later rose from the river in the springtime and proceeded to savagely destroy downtown Tokyo. The events were later written recorded in written form and became known as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Chuck Norris' Monopoly piece is a small beard made from 24k gold. When he is sent to jail he passes Go AND he collects his 200 dollars.
Chuck Norris is the only being alive to ever win a game of Monopoly not owning any property.
Whenever Chuck Norris works out on his Total Gym, he drinks a protein shake made of the flesh and organs of Viet Cong soldiers that he killed back in 'Nam. Nothing helps build muscle faster.
Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.
Lance Armstrong onces made fun of Chuck Norris. As a result Chuck Norris challenged Lance to a bikerace using the Tour de France's actual course. Instead of peddling Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his bike the length of the course and beat Lance by three days. Lance immediatly protested the result and Chuck roundhouse kicked him. As a result Lance's hair became part of Chuck Norris' beard and he lost his testicle. Lance didn't have cancer he was just a victim of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Christopher Reeve was one of the few to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was born with three nipples; the third is hidden under his chin. As a baby, he breast fed himself.
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.
One time a group of evil ninja's hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris' beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power. Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick. He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.
"Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years old.
Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris was originally meant to be a member of the A-Team.
Chuck Norris and Anakin Skywalker once fought a great battle. Chuck Norris won, of course, and then he stole Anakin's personality. He had sex With Padme and was the reason that Luke and Leia were born. He didn't want to be a father so he brought Anakin back to life as Darth Vader. He then implanted the lie that Anakin was their father in Anakin's brain.
Chuck Norris invaded France. And won.
Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.
Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" repeated hundreds of times. This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious. In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still roundhouse kicks the hell out of you. He is not for the people.
Chuck Norris breastfeeds John Madden.
Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn't ever run away again.
After seeing Stallone's 1985 feature film "Rambo: First Blood Part II," Chuck Norris appeared convinced that there were still American prisoners being held in Vietnam. Upon his arrival there, the Communist Vietnamese government denied the existance of any such prisoners. Chuck Norris immediately began a proccess he later coined "search by elimination", in which he delivered fatal roundhouse kicks to random Vietnamese until the only warm bodies left belonged to the forementioned Americans. After seeing the country's population drop by 25% in less than 72 hours, the panicked government hastily payed some American tourists to pose as prisoners so that Chuck could rescue them and end the slaughter. This deception did not go unnoticed by Chuck Norris: the current Bird Flu crisis is the result.
During Chuck Norris's travels, he impregnated an estimated 28 million women. The offspring from these pregnancies call themselves the "Chuckinese" and are currently seeking independence. Their one distinguishing trait is that both men and women have full beards.
Schwarzenegger's 1987 movie "Predator" is the first film in which Chuck Norris appeared on screen in his non-human form.
Chuck Norris is so fast that "NFL on Fox" uses him to paint the first down marker after every play. To make it disappear, he need only stare at it and the line removes itself.
Vitamins are actually re-processed from Chuck Norris' shit.
Everclear water is from Chuck Norris' piss.
Chuck Norris impregnates women just by looking at them.
Chuck Norris Beard cannot be shaven. The reason is that it hold the our galaxy together once shaven the existence of our galaxy as we know it will be sucked into his beard. Further on upon the death of Chuck Norris his beard will still hold the galaxy together and will be inshrined in the center of the universe.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can stop time and roundhouse-kick anyone, anytime, anywhere.
January 2004, CNN questioned Chuck Norris about him recently practicing round houses underwater off the coast of Indonesia. His only reply was "no comment."
Contrary to popular belief the continents did not drift apart over millions of years but in a single day when Chuck Norris was walking across Pangaea and mentioned that he wanted to swim, right here, and right now.
The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietname was not to make suprise attacks on South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris...
The residue left in Chuck Norris' pants after he farts is 3.5 times more unstable than nitro glycerin.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked China, hence the flat faces.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Chuck Norris's beard hairs were instrumental in the construction of the space shuttle.
Chuck Norris can shoot at cars with a revolver and make them explode. He told me all you have to do is make a real macho face when you're aiming and you'll hit the gas tank everytime.
A foolish man once asked Chuck Norris, "Boxers or briefs?" Chuck Norris laughed a mighty and cheerful laugh, then tore the man’s intestines out of his ass and used them to strangle him. Yes, remarkable as it may sound, it appears there are some people who are simply unaware that a man as sexy as Chuck Norris can't help but go commando.
Chuck Norris is the only one who knows exactly how many licks it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Why? Because if someone else finds out, Chuck Norris locks them into a small room and makes them watch Total Gym TV spots until they forget.
A man once fired a bullet at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris swallowed the bullet and proceeded to drop his pants. Chuck Norris then bent over and fired the bullet out of his ass, blowing the man's head off.
Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.
After staring at the American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris pops up.
Chuck Norris can throw a 135 mph fastball with his moustache.
Double Stuff Oreos give Chuck Norris his power, not the single stuff ones, those are for pussies.
Each of the hairs in Chuck Norris' beard have his face on the end of them. None of them smile. Booya.
Chuck Norris made a twelve year old girl cry twice by wiping his bloody penis on her teddy bear.
Chuck Norris is the reason why men go gay.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the groin to get off. When that doesn't work, he kicks someone else in the groin.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris does simply walk into Mordor.
