Christmas Giggles

G

GDW

Guest
Now im starting to feel Christmassy........its time to bring the santa jokes down from the attic/roofspace...

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he
went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming onlysecond. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered....

:p
 
S

SoWat

Guest
Awful indeed...and carrying on the general awfulness....

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
 
L

~Lazarus~

Guest
or why did the pervert cross the road.

cos his knob was stuck in the chicken
 
S

Sawtooth

Guest
I think Santa is Satan according to one site I went to. It takes letters and converts them to numbers.

Santa turns out to be 666


Weird

Saw
 
S

Sir Frizz

Guest
Originally posted by sawtooth
I think Santa is Satan according to one site I went to. It takes letters and converts them to numbers.

Santa turns out to be 666


Weird

Saw
Click to expand...

but santa's real name is Saint Nicholas...
 
M

Moving Target

Guest
Originally posted by sawtooth
I think Santa is Satan according to one site I went to. It takes letters and converts them to numbers.

Santa turns out to be 666


Weird

Saw
Click to expand...

That's Barney (the purple dinosaur thing)
 
L

~Lazarus~

Guest
These are shite but you get away with them at this time of year

1) There were two eggs in a frying pan. One says to the other: "Blimey, it's hot in here" The other replies: "Arrgggh! A talking egg"!
2) Two sheep in a field. One says to the other: "BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA". The other says: "Blimey, I was going to say that".
3) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."
4) Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"
5) A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"
6) What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Answer: 'I like your belt'!
7) A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: "So, why the long face?"
8) Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says: "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink." The other - a Chihuahua owner - says: "They'll never let us in with the dogs." The first replies: "Just follow my lead", as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says: "But, this is my Seeing Eye dog", and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog." To which the guy responds: "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"
9) Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
10) What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!
 
M

Moving Target

Guest
Originally posted by Lazarus
These are shite but you get away with them at this time of year

1) There were two eggs in a frying pan. One says to the other: "Blimey, it's hot in here" The other replies: "Arrgggh! A talking egg"!
2) Two sheep in a field. One says to the other: "BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA". The other says: "Blimey, I was going to say that".
3) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."
4) Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"
5) A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"
6) What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Answer: 'I like your belt'!
7) A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: "So, why the long face?"
8) Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says: "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink." The other - a Chihuahua owner - says: "They'll never let us in with the dogs." The first replies: "Just follow my lead", as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says: "But, this is my Seeing Eye dog", and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog." To which the guy responds: "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"
9) Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
10) What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!
Click to expand...

lol :D
 
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