Azurus
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2005
- Messages
- 1,263
Something i cooked up for my friend living overseas who doesn't know what they are, thought id share it. 
Have you ever wondered what exactly an Emo is? Or just nodded politely every time the word Chav is mentioned in a conversation not having a clue what it meant? Well,my friend here is your chance to get up to date with the lingo of the day, and truly become down wiv the kids innit. In this pamphlet there is a section on two of the latest major social groups currently inhabiting this island they call England. Chavs and Emos.
What is an Emo- Emos?! I hear you cry, aren’t they the tropical birds that live in New Zealand? No you tool, they are Emus. Emos are a whole new and totally more frightening creature that has invaded and some would say taken over the teenage population of England. The word Emo is widely thought to be derived from the Word ‘Emotional’ as this group show a high propensity to write poems and similar angsty behaviour. However…. this is wrong! Emo was originally the abbreviation for a type of music known as "emotive hardcore". Emo music performances were extremely dramatic, typically including lead singers falling to their knees and screaming or crying. Emos are almost exclusively white and middle class and of course have more problems than anyone else combined. This often leads to feelings of sadness, angst, isolation, depression, rage and jealousy. It can even lead to self harm or suicide. There are those that think Emos are evil. There are those that think they are a menace to society. The people who believe this need to understand that the most violent thing an Emo kid has ever done is pet a kitten.
How to become an Emo- In order to truly understand the Emo, you must become an Emo. Here is how, in my handy how to become and Emo in 6 days (shouldn’t it be 7? Nah that’s too mainstream for Emo) guide.
Step 1: All good Emos have to look the part. Typical Emo attire includes but is not limited to- Skin tight jeans (black), Crappy tee shirt that doesn’t fit properly (black), ‘Plugs’ a type of ear ring that makes you look like you have a hole in your ear (also black… see a pattern developing here?) and finally some Converse trainers of choice, as long as they are black.
Step 2: As mentioned previously, music is a large part of the Emo culture.This is where they get most of their feelings of angst and what helps them to believe they have real problems. Two major Emo bands that would be a good starting point for you career as an Emo are Fall Out boy and My Chemical Romance. With such song titles as ‘I’m not okay (I promise)’ its bound to get those good old feelings of depression and sadness going full steam. And remember, if you go to a gig, don’t jump or act like your having a good time at all, that just wouldn’t be Emo.
Step 3: Get a MySpace! MySpace is almost as much a part of Emo culture as bad hair is. It is a place where they can all express their feelings of doom and gloom in something known as a ‘blog’ and broadcast to the world how misunderstood they are.
Congratulations! (I guess..) You’re an Emo.
Joke to tell about Emos- I wish my lawn was Emo, then it would cut itself.
Now for part two of my incredible guide. Yes it’s those ASBO toting Burbury warriors, the Chavs. Fist let me clear something it up. There are two ways to pronounce this word. Either as it is written, or the way real people say it, Charv. Southerners like to steal us Northeners words and say them differently to make themselves think they came up with them in the first place. Anyway I digress. The word Chav refers to a young, usually uneducated person who lives in the inner city. Also known as a waster. Chav pastimes include: smoking, stealing hub caps, stealing anything else not firmly bolted down, setting fire to things and generally causing trouble. Chavs are present everywhere in society. That’s right, you don’t even have to leave your house to find one. All you have to do is turn on your TV and you’ll find them. Here are my top 3 celebrity chavs.
Number 3-50 cent-Mumbling rather than rapping about guns, ghettos, bitches and ho's, young provincial Chavsters see 50 Cent as a role model! They want to be a thug just like him! Check out that bling and the prison tattoos. Truly someone to look up to.
Chav rating:3 out of 5 sovereigns.
Number 2- Victoria and David Beckam-These two are undoubtedly the biggest Chav couple of the lot. David has that whole wigga thing going on and can barely string a legible sentence together. Victoria is a fashion clothes horse, giving the average Chavette an idea of what snide designer wear to buy at the market!
Chav rating:4 out of 5 sovereigns.
Number1-Jade Goody- Yep, that’s right it’s Jade Goody. You probably already guessed that but at least its not like one of those 100 Greatest 100 Greatest T.V moments shows on Channel 4 that makes you waste 5 hours of your life right? Winner of Big Brother 2, no 3, I don't think she was the winner either. Anyway who cares! This Hello and Heat magazine staple is basically famous for being the Chavie bint in Big Brother!
Chav rating:5 our of 5 sovereigns.
Ok, so know you know what a Chav is I know what your’re dying to find out.. How can I become one? Well you might just find this guide useful for that.
How to become a Chav in 3 days (Chavs can’t count any higher)
1) Dress code. Chav culture is equally about what you wear than how you act. Lets start from the head down. When I hear Chavs I think of one thing. Baseball caps. Get one of these, preferably with a huge Von Dutch logo to make yourself look extra cool. It has the dual purpose of making you look ‘gangsta’ and hiding your face from the security cameras when you need to steal a 6 pack of Stella. Next up the shirt. This isn’t really a big issue. If its cold, wear a tracksuit top but if your too hard to do that any branded sportswear will do. Reputable makes include Henry Lloyd and Nickelson. Now to the pants. Any tracksuit bottoms will do, for extra manpoints tuck them into your socks and always walk around with your hands down them. For footwear there are two main choices. Black Rockports or whiter then white trainers a la Reebok classics. Finally we come to jewelry. With this it’s the bigger the better. Chav favourites include gold chains and sovereign rings. This classy piece of hand furniture makes the wearer appear to be rich and also comes in handy for giving the missus a back hander!
2) How to act like a Chav. So you’ve got yourself looking super fly, now it’s time to complete your transformation. In order to act like a Chav you need to always be looking out for a fight, and travel around in crews of at least 5 people.
3) Chav speak. Here are some phrases to help you on your way to becoming a fully fledged Chav.- "hoo man, thes nixie t'dee". This can be used when you have nothing to do and want to get you fellow Chavs out to drink some White Lightening and laugh at people who can read.
-"Ah went oot last neet n' a got puarly mortal, man" This is a phrase to use when bragging about how much White Lightening or Bacardi breezers you drank last night, remember, the more you drink the more of a man you are!
That is the end of my guide to Chavs and Emos. Look out for part two, Toffs and Goths which will be with you in the summer. We will close out with some of my all time favourite Chav jokes.
Jokes to tell about Chavs- How are Chavs like slinkeys? They have no real use but its great fun to watch them fall down the stairs.
-Why should you try and avoid running over a Chav on a bike? It might be your bike.
Have you ever wondered what exactly an Emo is? Or just nodded politely every time the word Chav is mentioned in a conversation not having a clue what it meant? Well,my friend here is your chance to get up to date with the lingo of the day, and truly become down wiv the kids innit. In this pamphlet there is a section on two of the latest major social groups currently inhabiting this island they call England. Chavs and Emos.
What is an Emo- Emos?! I hear you cry, aren’t they the tropical birds that live in New Zealand? No you tool, they are Emus. Emos are a whole new and totally more frightening creature that has invaded and some would say taken over the teenage population of England. The word Emo is widely thought to be derived from the Word ‘Emotional’ as this group show a high propensity to write poems and similar angsty behaviour. However…. this is wrong! Emo was originally the abbreviation for a type of music known as "emotive hardcore". Emo music performances were extremely dramatic, typically including lead singers falling to their knees and screaming or crying. Emos are almost exclusively white and middle class and of course have more problems than anyone else combined. This often leads to feelings of sadness, angst, isolation, depression, rage and jealousy. It can even lead to self harm or suicide. There are those that think Emos are evil. There are those that think they are a menace to society. The people who believe this need to understand that the most violent thing an Emo kid has ever done is pet a kitten.
How to become an Emo- In order to truly understand the Emo, you must become an Emo. Here is how, in my handy how to become and Emo in 6 days (shouldn’t it be 7? Nah that’s too mainstream for Emo) guide.
Step 1: All good Emos have to look the part. Typical Emo attire includes but is not limited to- Skin tight jeans (black), Crappy tee shirt that doesn’t fit properly (black), ‘Plugs’ a type of ear ring that makes you look like you have a hole in your ear (also black… see a pattern developing here?) and finally some Converse trainers of choice, as long as they are black.
Step 2: As mentioned previously, music is a large part of the Emo culture.This is where they get most of their feelings of angst and what helps them to believe they have real problems. Two major Emo bands that would be a good starting point for you career as an Emo are Fall Out boy and My Chemical Romance. With such song titles as ‘I’m not okay (I promise)’ its bound to get those good old feelings of depression and sadness going full steam. And remember, if you go to a gig, don’t jump or act like your having a good time at all, that just wouldn’t be Emo.
Step 3: Get a MySpace! MySpace is almost as much a part of Emo culture as bad hair is. It is a place where they can all express their feelings of doom and gloom in something known as a ‘blog’ and broadcast to the world how misunderstood they are.
Congratulations! (I guess..) You’re an Emo.
Joke to tell about Emos- I wish my lawn was Emo, then it would cut itself.
Now for part two of my incredible guide. Yes it’s those ASBO toting Burbury warriors, the Chavs. Fist let me clear something it up. There are two ways to pronounce this word. Either as it is written, or the way real people say it, Charv. Southerners like to steal us Northeners words and say them differently to make themselves think they came up with them in the first place. Anyway I digress. The word Chav refers to a young, usually uneducated person who lives in the inner city. Also known as a waster. Chav pastimes include: smoking, stealing hub caps, stealing anything else not firmly bolted down, setting fire to things and generally causing trouble. Chavs are present everywhere in society. That’s right, you don’t even have to leave your house to find one. All you have to do is turn on your TV and you’ll find them. Here are my top 3 celebrity chavs.
Number 3-50 cent-Mumbling rather than rapping about guns, ghettos, bitches and ho's, young provincial Chavsters see 50 Cent as a role model! They want to be a thug just like him! Check out that bling and the prison tattoos. Truly someone to look up to.
Chav rating:3 out of 5 sovereigns.
Number 2- Victoria and David Beckam-These two are undoubtedly the biggest Chav couple of the lot. David has that whole wigga thing going on and can barely string a legible sentence together. Victoria is a fashion clothes horse, giving the average Chavette an idea of what snide designer wear to buy at the market!
Chav rating:4 out of 5 sovereigns.
Number1-Jade Goody- Yep, that’s right it’s Jade Goody. You probably already guessed that but at least its not like one of those 100 Greatest 100 Greatest T.V moments shows on Channel 4 that makes you waste 5 hours of your life right? Winner of Big Brother 2, no 3, I don't think she was the winner either. Anyway who cares! This Hello and Heat magazine staple is basically famous for being the Chavie bint in Big Brother!
Chav rating:5 our of 5 sovereigns.
Ok, so know you know what a Chav is I know what your’re dying to find out.. How can I become one? Well you might just find this guide useful for that.
How to become a Chav in 3 days (Chavs can’t count any higher)
1) Dress code. Chav culture is equally about what you wear than how you act. Lets start from the head down. When I hear Chavs I think of one thing. Baseball caps. Get one of these, preferably with a huge Von Dutch logo to make yourself look extra cool. It has the dual purpose of making you look ‘gangsta’ and hiding your face from the security cameras when you need to steal a 6 pack of Stella. Next up the shirt. This isn’t really a big issue. If its cold, wear a tracksuit top but if your too hard to do that any branded sportswear will do. Reputable makes include Henry Lloyd and Nickelson. Now to the pants. Any tracksuit bottoms will do, for extra manpoints tuck them into your socks and always walk around with your hands down them. For footwear there are two main choices. Black Rockports or whiter then white trainers a la Reebok classics. Finally we come to jewelry. With this it’s the bigger the better. Chav favourites include gold chains and sovereign rings. This classy piece of hand furniture makes the wearer appear to be rich and also comes in handy for giving the missus a back hander!
2) How to act like a Chav. So you’ve got yourself looking super fly, now it’s time to complete your transformation. In order to act like a Chav you need to always be looking out for a fight, and travel around in crews of at least 5 people.
3) Chav speak. Here are some phrases to help you on your way to becoming a fully fledged Chav.- "hoo man, thes nixie t'dee". This can be used when you have nothing to do and want to get you fellow Chavs out to drink some White Lightening and laugh at people who can read.
-"Ah went oot last neet n' a got puarly mortal, man" This is a phrase to use when bragging about how much White Lightening or Bacardi breezers you drank last night, remember, the more you drink the more of a man you are!
That is the end of my guide to Chavs and Emos. Look out for part two, Toffs and Goths which will be with you in the summer. We will close out with some of my all time favourite Chav jokes.
Jokes to tell about Chavs- How are Chavs like slinkeys? They have no real use but its great fun to watch them fall down the stairs.
-Why should you try and avoid running over a Chav on a bike? It might be your bike.
