Alan
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2004
- Messages
- 3,972
We're starting a new table top RPG based in a parallel world, but mainly France circa 1820's, any comments on the following - if its crap say so, but what would you change and why 
Thanks
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Young Théo emerged from the densely populated ‘Hunters Forest’, clambering over its perimeter hedge and tumbling into its neighbouring field, he picked himself up and brushed off the broken twigs snagged on his already torn clothes.
After two weeks his mind had become adept at self-reassurance “it’s not your fault … you did nothing wrong … they will understand … return home”, the lies told by his elder brother were just words used in the heat of the moment, words used as a verbal weapon, but this weapon struck true piercing Théo’s innocent heart causing him to flee.
He peered into the distance hoping to catch a glimpse of his home town of 'Alvir', except where the town should have been lay a vast barren expanse void of life and vegetation, it was as if some great power had reached down from the heavens in anger tearing the town, its inhabitance and half a mountain in the process from the planets surface, only dark brown dirt and rubble remained. Théo’s legs shook nervously then gave way causing him to fall abruptly to his knees, clasping his soiled face in the palm of his hands; he started to cry like never before.
A few moments later, a brash voice boomed “Oi gerof’ my land!”
Théo continued to cry.
“Don’t try my patience boy … “ returned the agitated voice “ … this be private land and you be trespassing.”
Théo didn’t move
“I won’t be repeating me’self again lad, gerof my land or I’ll turn the dog loose”
D… Dog? Théo twitched nervously slowly turning his head towards the agitated voice; he wiped his eyes using the cuff of his shirt to improve his blurred vision from the perpetual torrent of tears.
Less than 20ft away leaning against an old rickety wooden gate was a stout gentleman, his hair and beard silver with age. At his side, straining against the flimsily length of cord to which it was attached was a fierce Berger de Beauce, its coat blacker than coal, its teeth as sharp as knives - all 42 of them! Théo panicked.
Scrambling backwards on all fours, the terror struck child retreated rapidly to the hedge which bordered the forest, his eyes fixed on the ravenous beast before him, his heart beating heavier with every second that past, his breath rapid and shallow. Only upon feeling the thick brush of the hedge behind did he turn around, clambering carelessly over the top and dropping as fast as possible to the other side. Standing upright he ran as fast as his legs would carry without care of direction or destination.
Thanks
------------------------
Young Théo emerged from the densely populated ‘Hunters Forest’, clambering over its perimeter hedge and tumbling into its neighbouring field, he picked himself up and brushed off the broken twigs snagged on his already torn clothes.
After two weeks his mind had become adept at self-reassurance “it’s not your fault … you did nothing wrong … they will understand … return home”, the lies told by his elder brother were just words used in the heat of the moment, words used as a verbal weapon, but this weapon struck true piercing Théo’s innocent heart causing him to flee.
He peered into the distance hoping to catch a glimpse of his home town of 'Alvir', except where the town should have been lay a vast barren expanse void of life and vegetation, it was as if some great power had reached down from the heavens in anger tearing the town, its inhabitance and half a mountain in the process from the planets surface, only dark brown dirt and rubble remained. Théo’s legs shook nervously then gave way causing him to fall abruptly to his knees, clasping his soiled face in the palm of his hands; he started to cry like never before.
A few moments later, a brash voice boomed “Oi gerof’ my land!”
Théo continued to cry.
“Don’t try my patience boy … “ returned the agitated voice “ … this be private land and you be trespassing.”
Théo didn’t move
“I won’t be repeating me’self again lad, gerof my land or I’ll turn the dog loose”
D… Dog? Théo twitched nervously slowly turning his head towards the agitated voice; he wiped his eyes using the cuff of his shirt to improve his blurred vision from the perpetual torrent of tears.
Less than 20ft away leaning against an old rickety wooden gate was a stout gentleman, his hair and beard silver with age. At his side, straining against the flimsily length of cord to which it was attached was a fierce Berger de Beauce, its coat blacker than coal, its teeth as sharp as knives - all 42 of them! Théo panicked.
Scrambling backwards on all fours, the terror struck child retreated rapidly to the hedge which bordered the forest, his eyes fixed on the ravenous beast before him, his heart beating heavier with every second that past, his breath rapid and shallow. Only upon feeling the thick brush of the hedge behind did he turn around, clambering carelessly over the top and dropping as fast as possible to the other side. Standing upright he ran as fast as his legs would carry without care of direction or destination.
