Best Man Speeches

[Scouse]

How far can you realistically go?

Got to write one for Saturday. 3 minutes max (I've heard the bride's dad's got an unconscionably long 13/14 minutes of sheer fucking boredom for me to look forward to).

Obviously I'll steer clear of his ex wife and of saying the words fuck, cunt, and cuntfuck. But I was wondering about a joke that informs people of the bride's penchant for getting her tits out when asked in a surprising and drunken environment?

I'll probably go too far. But then I only have to see my mates afterwards and as long as they're laughing all is good

 

[fettoken]

I'll steer clear of his ex wife and of saying the words fuck, cunt, and cuntfuck.

Fucking cunt? His ex that is.

 

[DaGaffer]

I'll probably go too far. But then I only have to see my mates afterwards and as long as they're laughing all is good

Don't. Just. Don't. I've seen a car crash speech like that and it was excruciating for everyone including the best man himself in the end (as it slowly dawned how much he'd lost the room) and all his mates (us).

Do you really want to be the guy everyone else refers to when they talk about wedding disasters? FWIW I've done it twice, keep the bride and the bride's Mum on side and you're golden.

 

[Scouse]

keep the bride and the bride's Mum on side and you're golden.

That's going to be really hard work if I don't make the entire speech about fucking kittens or pink and fluffy stuff

Mate's marrying into a giant pile of inbred weirdo's by the look of it. We can't understand why or how he can't see it. His bride to be is a bit of a nightmare tbfh.

 

[MYstIC G]

In that case do not mention her at all, rip on his past.

 

[Scouse]

rip on his past.

Which is also gonna be hard. It's either really dull, or so outrageous that there's no way I can put it in.

May have to spend 3 minutes talking about the fact he has a big nose and the coordination of someone with spina bifida.

Though if I said that, I'd probably be lynched by her family. Not looking forward to this

 

[DaGaffer]

Well, you never talk about the bride in anything but positive terms. "Anecdotes" are always about his past, but avoid; sex, bowel movements, criminal activity (the speech I mentioned above managed to reference shitting himself in a pool hall, drug use and premature ejaculation; it was a laugh riot for her...rather old... parents).

 

[old.user4556]

May have to spend 3 minutes talking about the fact he has a big nose

Congrats on your marriage @Deebs !

 

[dysfunction]

I have recently been to a wedding where the best man droned on for 30 minutes!

It went down like a lead balloon as he seemed intent on insulting everyone.

 

[old.user4556]

Scouse, I did a best man's speech a couple of years ago so will post properly when I'm home with tips. My mate was fucking dull too, but I managed.

 

[Edmond]

Just copy this, but change the names


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z589wIZe92g

 

[Tom]

Start off with a simple joke ("this isn't the first time today I've got up from a wet seat with a piece of paper in my hand") and then do the sentimental thing. Let people have their "awww" moments, a bit of a chuckle, and then get on with what they're really interested in - drinking and eating.

 

[old.Tohtori]

From all i've read, i have to wonder why you're the best man to begin with.

 

[old.user4556]

Ok here's my tips:

- firstly, remember most of the crowd will be drunk and will laugh at a Shakespeare comedy. There were bits in my speech that weren't supposed to be funny but had some proper belly laughs.

- talk about the best man in the speech - acknowledge the bride very briefly, say she looks stunning, but it's not about her; it's about him.

- make light jokes if possible, but avoid crass smut and certainly don't swear.

- don't Google "best man speech jokes" and use them in your speech - the crowd will know and will be rolling their eyes internally. If you use the "please put your hand on top of hers, that's the last time you'll have the upper hand BA DUM TISH" or "such a touching wedding, even the cake was in tears / tiers BA DUM TISH", then I will personally hunt you down and shit in your ear.

- trawl your brain for everything about him and even embellish events to make it funny if you have to. Remember you've got the microphone / stage and noone is going to contest what you're saying. It's a speech, not a Freddyshouse thread on God .

- split your speech into a proper structure. Make it a start, middle and end. I found it much easier to have an opening paragraph to break the ice and introduce myself and relationship to the best man. The middle section was a light hearted look back on my life with him, told a couple of silly stories but then linked that into the end of the speech where I took the speech seriously by saying what a great guy he was - that lead me into the toast.

Here's what I started with (names replaced with generics):

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am The Groom’s second best man – Big G, but you’ll need to bear with me as I’m not great a public speaking and I am the most nervous man in the world right now.......... except for The Groom, who is the most nervous man in the universe. He really has no idea what I’m about to say.
​

That lead to a lot of drunken "woaahoahhh" noises from the crowd and the Groom started laughing and put his face in his hands. It was simple, but it broke the ice and got the crowd on my side - feel free to use it (it's paraphrasing an old Billy Connolly joke). Also, by starting off with a little humility that I wasn't good at public speaking, then I felt at ease that I was honest that it wasn't going to be a great speech.

- type and print your speech onto cards, follow the structure of "start, middle and end". Time your speech and practice it in-front of the mirror. Yes, you feel like a bit of a dick but it'll make you feel so much more at ease on the day knowing that it's the right length and what it contains.

- keep it reasonably short, 5 minutes absolute max, but more 3 to 4 minutes.

 

[Jupitus]

At my wedding my best man (who is still my best mate, despite it all !) made a speech which was close on 45 minutes... boring, you would say? Not a bit of it - he pulled all sorts of tricks such as having old photos blown up to A3 size and passed around along with a lot of really good stories. Room was awash with tears of laughter throughout

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone ever... he still says to this day that the amount of material he had to leave out would have doubled the length or more!

 

[old.user4556]

That works if you've got an excellent and close relationship going back many years with someone interesting.

I fucking hated every second of being a best man, the groom was / is a cunt and I've not spoken to him since the night of the wedding.

 

[Scouse]

I fucking hated every second of being a best man, the groom was / is a cunt and I've not spoken to him since the night of the wedding.

Nah, my mate isn't a bad guy. I've written it now and it runs at about 7 or 8 minutes, but none of it irrelevant or horrendously offensive - and it conforms to what you said above G (before I read it I knew a beginning/middle/end structure was important).

Just been walking around the house with my A4 in my hand saying it out loud. I find it easier to do walking, which is annoying as I'm going to have to stand still to give it.

He's not a dull lad, and in the end it wasn't difficult to find a theme on which to base it which gave me plenty to riff on.

I'll let you know how it goes

 

[Gwadien]

Nah, my mate isn't a bad guy. I've written it now and it runs at about 7 or 8 minutes, but none of it irrelevant or horrendously offensive - and it conforms to what you said above G (before I read it I knew a beginning/middle/end structure was important).

Just been walking around the house with my A4 in my hand saying it out loud. I find it easier to do walking, which is annoying as I'm going to have to stand still to give it.

He's not a dull lad, and in the end it wasn't difficult to find a theme on which to base it which gave me plenty to riff on.

I'll let you know how it goes

Give us the funniest line, we'll score you.

 

[Scouse]

Give us the funniest line, we'll score you.

Don't do one liners. But I do call him a talentless pleb.

 

[old.user4556]

I find it easier to do walking

I'm a walker as well Scouse (particularly when working from home on conference calls), when I did my speech I incorporated a slow to and fro walk (like I was doing stand up) to keep my calm and mentally in the game.

 

[Tom]

That works if you've got an excellent and close relationship going back many years with someone interesting.

I fucking hated every second of being a best man, the groom was / is a cunt and I've not spoken to him since the night of the wedding.

Eh? Why on earth then, did you say yes?

 

[old.user4556]

Eh? Why on earth then, did you say yes?

That requires a very long and complicated answer that would bore the fucking tits off you, but here's the moment of critical mass:

The primary reason he's a cunt, is that he cheated on his fiance about two months before the wedding, got caught and I somehow ended up getting partial blame by his utter cunt of a wife because I was friends with the girl he fucked behind her back. It was a clusterfuck of a situation and out of damage control, he asked me to keep his infidelity under wraps which meant I had to suck it up. My peer group and their families (including his) are all close friends, so if I pulled out of being his best man then it would reflect badly on me without justification as to why I pulled out of it. The easiest and least messy way was to just suck it up, do the best man thing, then walk away. I was being the better person, no good would have come from exposing his infidelity to all his friends and family that he was a cheating fuck. I shook his hand when I left, smiled and congratulated him, and never spoke to him again.

In retrospect, I wish I had told him fuck off, but the infidelity only came out after the whole wedding was arranged, speeches were written, stag do's were done, kilts hired etc. etc.

 

[Tom]

Well you're a bigger man than me. If I thought he was a cunt, I'd have told him so, insisted he find another best man, and then told anyone who asked why I'd rejected his offer.

And if anyone had a problem with me telling the truth, well they wouldn't be much of a friend anyway, so I'd be better off without them. But then again, I'm a fairly solitary person.

 

[old.user4556]

Well you're a bigger man than me. If I thought he was a cunt, I'd have told him so, insisted he find another best man, and then told anyone who asked why I'd rejected his offer.

And if anyone had a problem with me telling the truth, well they wouldn't be much of a friend anyway, so I'd be better off without them. But then again, I'm a fairly solitary person.

Believe me, I wish I'd told him to fucking ram it, but ultimtely my arse is squeaky clean this way and at the end of the day I have the upper hand if anyone calls me out on it.

 

[DaGaffer]

At my wedding my best man (who is still my best mate, despite it all !) made a speech which was close on 45 minutes... boring, you would say? Not a bit of it - he pulled all sorts of tricks such as having old photos blown up to A3 size and passed around along with a lot of really good stories. Room was awash with tears of laughter throughout

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone ever... he still says to this day that the amount of material he had to leave out would have doubled the length or more!

I've been lucky at both my weddings. My first, my best mate did an amazing speech, props, the whole nine yards, second, my brother was Best Man (it would have been rude not to ask him) and he was sincere and actually funny, which I wasn't actually expecting - he's a sarky cunt but I never had him down as a public speaker.

 

[Ormorof]

I did one last year but kept it clean (lots of kids present at the wedding) but made jokes about the stupid things he had done and we had done over the years and bizarre things that had happened to us for example

"We went through some tough times too, we were burgled, we got mugged, we went on holiday to cornwall..."

I didn't t want to talk too much as ive been to some weddings where the speeches just went on and on and on (at one wedding before we ate we had to hang around for 6 hours of speeches and photos! Six fucking hours)

 

[old.Tohtori]

It all does come down to how well you know them, who the people are etc. I'm planning on giving a speech at my good friends wedding (to another good friend) and i know i can do it as a eulogy

 

[Scouse]

Sorry, didn't update.

Nailed it tbh. Had much of the room crying with laughter. Focussed on making my mate out to be a genetic freak with severe disabilities (he's got some funny mannerisms so picked on them and amplified them).

Said some nice things about the bird. Took mate to bits. Said something nice about both of them. Toast at the end. Job done.

Ta for the advice

 

[Edmond]

Did you shag a bridesmaid ?

 

[old.Tohtori]

Did you remember to tell them how to live their life and how they should embrace cycling as their saviour?