bad to worse

[Cemeterygates]

Meh, this seems real shit Ez, sorry to hear it.
Just come out of a relationship myself, which was mostly due to older woman with a child that wants to settle down, happy families and shit....i'm 23 and it wasn't what I want right now, can't give her what she wants so I left.....was one of the most difficult things I've ever done tbh.

Hope you can work it out, but not meaning to sound like a doom sayer, this could be the breaker, compromise is part of relationships, but I guess there are some things that people just won't give on.
Hope you can sort it though Ez, would be a major shitter for it to end after that long.

 

[Zenith.UK]

You have a PM Ez.

 

[Vasconcelos]

Ez lass I'm so sorry to hear this

'tis serious stuff indeed. I rly hope the counselling fix this for you both, and remember that this might leave a scar but time cures everything.

Im sure you will overcome this, but in the meantime you have our shoulder here for whenever you need one

 

[Ezteq]

jesus guys thank you all, i almost died when i opened my mailbox and had 9PMs from people all wishing me well....i honestly was blown away you guys are wonderful, my FH Family and I love you all.

I really am confused now, I don't know what I want any more, this is making me reevaluate everything and I am ascared! but I am hopeful now, I have councilling in an hour so we'll see where that takes me; thank you all for your support guys you really do not know how much it means to me and how much i appreciate it all, thank you.

I know I'll never ever have children if I do not 100% want them, now I'm not 100% sure I don't but I need to find out whats going on, what the reasons are for my feelings and most of all make damn sure B2 is playing in team Ez before we do anything rash.

Thank you again guys, you all actually made me smile properly for the first time thank you
xxxx

 

[Everz]

Nowt much to say from myself Ez as i'm pretty in-experienced in life. But all the best luck.

 

[Shagrat]

I cant say it any better than Philip Larkin really:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself

Parents have a lot to answer for.......

 

[Thorwyn]

Oops.. I thought that this poem was written by Anne Clark.

 

[ST^]

What is "B2" supposed to mean anyway?

 

[Ch3tan]

What is "B2" supposed to mean anyway?

at a guess, boyfriend 2? I assume in the depths of FH/ BW history there was a b1?

 

[cHodAX]

Sorry to hear about your troubles Ez, hope it works out.

However, remember you always have me as your backup plan!

/runs and hides before B2 gets his shotgun!

 

[cHodAX]

at a guess, boyfriend 2? I assume in the depths of FH/ BW history there was a b1?

Bunnytwo, former DAoC player.

 

[Ezteq]

e gads chod as a backup...there's a concept; thank you hun its very um sweet of you hehe.

Nice poem there shagrat, says it all really. The councilling went really really well and the woman is very good, not into blame or making things worse just analysing why things are the way they are and looking for ways to deal, which is just what I need, for any in a similar situation you have my deepest sympathies because this is a shocker and i recommend councilling. Think these messages are what's getting me through the day because when I start to get sad at work I can just remember all you guys wishing me well and not feel so stuck you know?

 

[Vasconcelos]

e gads chod as a backup...there's a concept; thank you hun its very um sweet of you hehe.

Nice poem there shagrat, says it all really. The councilling went really really well and the woman is very good, not into blame or making things worse just analysing why things are the way they are and looking for ways to deal, which is just what I need, for any in a similar situation you have my deepest sympathies because this is a shocker and i recommend councilling. Think these messages are what's getting me through the day because when I start to get sad at work I can just remember all you guys wishing me well and not feel so stuck you know?

 

[cHodAX]

e gads chod as a backup...there's a concept; thank you hun its very um sweet of you hehe.

Nice poem there shagrat, says it all really. The councilling went really really well and the woman is very good, not into blame or making things worse just analysing why things are the way they are and looking for ways to deal, which is just what I need, for any in a similar situation you have my deepest sympathies because this is a shocker and i recommend councilling. Think these messages are what's getting me through the day because when I start to get sad at work I can just remember all you guys wishing me well and not feel so stuck you know?

Think nothing of it, you know me, I will happily slip half of OT the big one if it helps them feel a bit better. Especially Vlad, she loves it.

 

[Huntingtons]

I'm not agreeing to have children just to get married...don't actually want a church wedding anyway and he has to be more flexible about that tbh.

when i read this i thought, Is he the only one who has to be flexible in your relationship?

i have my own opinion on having kids, differing greatly from yours, however I do consider you, from what i know of ze intarwebs, very fit as a parent. You have a very useful set of tools to have kids (and im not talking the female body).

 

[Zede]

I split up with my Ex (10 years ago now) basically she was very maternal and wanted kids, i didnt. Many convoluted reasons later we split up. Its very easy when the woman wants the kid & the bloke does not, being the incubator gives the fems a distinct advantage !

Paternal yearnings for kiddies though...tbh i was gonna say it would be a lot harder for a man to find another loving woman for said procreation...but match.com is absoutely full of women who have clicked the "yes" to the 'do you want kids' question. ( sorry to be devils advocate)

good luck sorting it out, dont bow to pressure ! If your not maternal, your not maternal. Be selfish. Travel the world & do lots of selfish things.

 

[Amanita]

I'm sorry, I've wrestled with my conscience long enough. Two of my sisters swear they don't want kids and this is what I'd sing to them if I could remember the words:

YouTube - An American Tail: Never Say Never

Bad thing done: Good luck sorting out your relationship problems Ez.

(and I am sorry for the video, I couldn't fight the urge)

 

[Garaen]

From reading the thread it seems to me that one of your biggest hangups is the pain during pregnancy etc, now-a-days there are drugs that drastically reduce the pain involved during labour so I wouldn't focus on that at all. At the end of the day giving birth is the most natural thing in the world.

Keep your chin up and ask B2 to be patient while you come to terms with this (apparent) sudden change in attitude - having a child is a big (but rewarding) commitment.

 

[soze]

I don't think the physical pain is really the issue. I would say the upbringing Ez received has left her with doubts. While like many here i dont think Ez has a bad bone in her body (leave it cHo) if you grow up with certain things being the norm its hard to believe you will not make the same mistakes.

Its a common problem i believe.

 

[Ezteq]

OK well tonight is either going to be hideous or more of the same but its been nearly two weeks now and I just feel like fish on a hook, I thought I was having a heart attack earlier it's that bad. I really really don't want to be issuing ultimatums 1) because they suck and it's not nice and 2) because I am seriously afraid that I'll get dumped.

After soul searching every second of the day since this happened I actually realsied I do want a family, not for the sake of it or to save anything but I would like to have a child and make a small family with B2, my anti-child stance has changed, maybe becuse I got older and now now what its like to be in a loving relationship and also meeting my surprise family and seeing that it is possible to be related to me and be normal and happy.

Anyway when I told B2 this on Monday i got a tepid response when I thought he'd be overjoyed and we spoke about it not at all when he got home. He doesn't know anything any more I asked him if he still wanted a family with me and he doesn't know he doesn't know about our relationship any more when that was the one thing I have always been sure of and thought he was just as sure.

I am in serious trouble here and I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that its not just my feelings that have changed, his have too and he now doesn't want me but doesn't know how to make it final.

I've got to find this out, I think 8.5 years and two weeks is long enough to decide if you actually do love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with and tbh I am absolutely shitting myself, I mean it guys I am terrified, the only way this situation could be any worse is if he's wearing a clown suit when he gets home because tbh I really think I might actually have an honest to god heart failure right here on the sofa.

Ergh I think I am going to be puking very soon tbh.

 

[Cerb]

Ok I know that it seems like he should have been overjoyed when you told him that but maybe he was so wound up with everything thats been going on that he just wasnt able to right away. Just try to give everything a few days to settle and maybe things will get better. Either way still thinking of you. *hugs*

 

[Sparx]

he may just be being cautious thinking you are only saying that cause thats what he wants to hear, worrying you may change your mind

Dont be hasty yet

 

[Ezteq]

thanks guys, this is why I need you for insights into the male brain because just as you guys think women are baffling...here's a secret you guys are just as confusing to us!

 

[Calaen]

thanks guys, this is why I need you for insights into the male brain because just as you guys think women are baffling...here's a secret you guys are just as confusing to us!

Tbh I just want to stick my dick in them all, it's not all that confusing

I did a pm

 

[Bahumat]

OK well tonight is either going to be hideous or more of the same but its been nearly two weeks now and I just feel like fish on a hook, I thought I was having a heart attack earlier it's that bad. I really really don't want to be issuing ultimatums 1) because they suck and it's not nice and 2) because I am seriously afraid that I'll get dumped.

One thing Ez (someone may have already mentioned this). You've always said (i assume) you dont want kids. Now you're kinda saying you do. He will be thinking you are doing this for him against your wishes, and he will be trying to figure out if you truly do want them, or are 'sacrificing' your personal reasons to stay with him. He may not feel comfortable knowing he's 'made' you have kids against your wishes to keep the relationship.

 

[Ezteq]

I know it's a really good point Bahu, I was 22 when we met and I honestly didn't want them for years and I did say to him I don't 'ooh I have to have children!!!' I would live perfectly happily without them but I realise now that making a little family would be nice and I was kind of 'conditioned' to say I didn't want children from a very early age.

But like I said as I got older, and believed I was in a stable relationship that was 'the one for the rest of my life' my feelings have changed. He should flipping know I wouldn't have them just to save anything or just to make him happy, he might be confused and think I don't know my own mind and think I am telling the truth and then not be able to do it when the time comes (he knows I'd never just say anything like this to trick or hurt or deceive) but jesus flipping christ if he can't believe in me after all this time... I mean, you know?

We really gotta trust eachother and take a leap if we are to work, I have a horrible feeling (and people have observed) this could just be a get out clause and he didn't expect me to change my mind so thought it was a given that I'd be the cause of our demise (teh drama) but as usual I wasn't predictable...and I hope to hell that isn't the case because that is off.

 

[ST^]

19th March "I don't want kids"

26th March "I do want kids"

I wouldn't be quick to believe it either.

 

[Ezteq]

heh well when you put it like that ^^

like I said though I'm not all painting nurseries and buying booties I now accept that my reasons for not wanting children were formed as a result of my upbringing and past, and thinking about something every minute of the day for a week feels a damn sight longer than a week... I mean this all kicked off on the 15th and it feels like it's been going on for at least 3 months already.

 

[Bahumat]

I know it's a really good point Bahu, I was 22 when we met and I honestly didn't want them for years and I did say to him I don't 'ooh I have to have children!!!' I would live perfectly happily without them but I realise now that making a little family would be nice and I was kind of 'conditioned' to say I didn't want children from a very early age.

But like I said as I got older, and believed I was in a stable relationship that was 'the one for the rest of my life' my feelings have changed. He should flipping know I wouldn't have them just to save anything or just to make him happy, he might be confused and think I don't know my own mind and think I am telling the truth and then not be able to do it when the time comes (he knows I'd never just say anything like this to trick or hurt or deceive) but jesus flipping christ if he can't believe in me after all this time... I mean, you know?

We really gotta trust eachother and take a leap if we are to work, I have a horrible feeling (and people have observed) this could just be a get out clause and he didn't expect me to change my mind so thought it was a given that I'd be the cause of our demise (teh drama) but as usual I wasn't predictable...and I hope to hell that isn't the case because that is off.

Tell him what you're telling us about why things have changed. As well as he knows you, he may not know your outlook has changed. It cant hurt?

 

[Ezteq]

I did, I have and he says he's confused and doesn't know anything any more. I explained everything to him, I wrote out a list of my honest feelings and stuff (trust me it was really eloquant, not like the crap I write here) and gave it to him to help clarify things and make him feel a bit more secure... I don't know what else I can do but this is all just so flipping painful hanging about waiting I've literally had 2 panic attacks today so far.

And if its like this for me what the hell's it like for him, I mean he either is facing the prospect of dumping me (and because he is kind and nice that would be torture) or an uncertain future, staying with me (and you all know what I'm like, imagine living with me all day every day I mean jeeze...)

It needs to be decided before one of us has an aneurysm... I might just have one now tbh and get it out the way, gah he should be home soonish I'm soo not ready for this!!!