Vasconcelos
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2003
- Messages
- 4,022
I just don’t know how to explain this. Truth is that I’m going throu the worst months in my life since ages.
Firstly, the consequences Im noticing are directly involved with my body: I’ve lost 5kg in the last 4 weeks, I barely sleep 3 hrs/nite, even if I go out on a Friday nite and go to bed at 7am, I still get just couple of hours of sleep. I’m never hungry to the point im forcing myself to eat almost by pushing the food throu my throat. I'm being constantly told either that i look sad, or tired or with a "lost glare". There's always sum1 asking me if im sick or just "r u alrite?"
Last friday this situation reached a point where I decided to call my sister and ask her for the telephone number of her therapist. I know she helped my sister a lot with her personal problems. And I mean a lot. I’m having my 1st therapy session this very Friday. Because deep inside me, I know that this problem, the root of it, goes a lot more deeper than what it seems. Guess its good to recognize you have a serious problem instead of living in denial. At least i rly hope its a step forward.
The reason?? Something that I’ve never thought it would happen to me again in my life. Not after reaching 30 indeed. A girl.
Theres sum1 here that already knows the story, but still, I’m so so so lost atm that I thought maybe sharing this stuff with other ppl might help. Dont know why, but sometimes, i feel more comfortable to share my problems with sum1 outside my friendship circle.
WARNING: Wall of text
Last year around october I broke up with a girl after some months hanging around in a non formal way (meaning we were not even close to being a couple). 12 months of that kind of “friendship” doesnt sound too much, I know, but let me tell you that with 30 springs behind my back, its been the longest and closest thing to a relationship I had in my life. Funny tho, untill today, except a certain time in my life, this was the way I always wanted to be: going out with girls, sometimes just a couple of dinners, sometimes more often, but never thinking about developing a relationship with them.
Well, at the same time, Ive been working in the same place for more than a year. And there I've met this girl. At 1st i didnt even notice her, she was just a nice lass of my job that in a certain way reminded me to sum1 I met in the past. It was in christmas when I started speaking with her more frequently, we went with the rest of the jobm8s to have some beers a couple of nites, and I were told that she was leaving his boyfriend out of boredom after 4 years of living together.
As you can figure, I felt her pain, specially when I knew that the lad was a complete douch and Mr. Scrouge in the flesh, cuz he ripped her 2k € from their shared savings when they split (a cheap price acording for the deal according to her). So, after christmas we started speaking more and more frequently, even one day she was having troubles again with her ex-bf i invited her to a beer after work just because she was so sad that i thought about cheering her up. Still I still didn’t see her “that way”.
Weeks passed, and we started crossing "teenager" emails and such. And then it came this friday, when had this big dinner + clubing friday nite with all the ppl from the office. We had some few drinks and fooled around, and when i noticed it, she was kissing me in a corner of the club (she says it was me who started it, but i rly rly know it was her who "launched the first attack"). We made up the rest of the nite, at this time I was just thinking "hey! a pretty lady, shes nice and know more cheerful, and lucky me I will prolly not sleep alone tonite", but at the end, nothing happened and we headed to our respective homes at 8am (got a nice cold that nite for being in the street w/o scarf for 2 hours trying to convince her to come to my place).
So, the next monday we talked throu gmail this time cuz the chatting was so frequent that emails were getting dull. She told me that assuming we were gonna have to work together (her desk its 10meters in front of mine)and that it wasnt the best idea to sleeping together that nite. So there was me, thinking that she had a very valid point, she is not that kind of girl, and at the end "bad luck this time", cuz as Ive told you, im kinda used to "one hit wonders" girls.
And again, weeks passed, but this time the chatting throu gmail was so frequent that somedays we did nothing but chating. As you can figure, i threw her some "hot" taunts about that last nite, she laughed, taunted back etc etc. Then another thursday nite beers with the folks from the office, and then the same old story: kisses, petting etc...
So there was me, starting to get hooked to a girl I barely saw that way 5 months earlier. To be honest, I was so hooked up that I started to make stupid plans, the kind of plans you don’t develop when you are 25 if you know what I mean: what if she is the one? I rly thought she might because it went from a physical attraction to a personality attraction. However, during the whole proccess I was always doubtfull about her state of mind, specially after the troubles she passed during her last relationship, and I rly didnt know at "what point" she was her.
And then, 4 weeks ago we had yet another dinner + clubbing nite with some folks from the office. Truth is that during the previous weeks I was so looking forward that nite. We had been fooling around enough time not to ask her out properly, not the usual “lets have dinner and sex and maybe we call us on another day” but something well thought and planned.
This time, it was me who started kissing her one time we were alone ordering some drinks. And once again, she kissed back, and stuff started to get hot. It was the 3rd time this was happening and as I said I reached the point where I was going to her out for a proper date, you know, a day in the park, a cinema afternoon, …. that kind of stuff, but just the 2 of us, w/o alcohol and other ppl around. Just so we could start knowing each other the proper way and not fooloing around at job like students in college. So at one point of the nite, a jobm8 came and asked me how were the things with that girl (at this point, pretty much every1 in the office knew we had something). I told him that I wasnt rly sure, that I was never the type of guy who thinks about the long term with a girl, but at the age of 30 (shes 30 too) I was starting to think about my future, and that maybe shes was the right girl. Must confess another sin, on a certain moment of the time I used a move that in other ocassions proved right: after one hot encounter we had at the restroom exit I sent her an sms with the text “you drive me crazy”.
So, party ended, and we started walking back home together. At one point, we stopped in a bench and she sit on me kissing me again and asked me that we needed to talk. So, I finally asked her "do you have something planned for this sunday?. Wanna come with me to the cinema or to have some pasta in a good place?" And she told me that she couldnt while still kissing me. "Fine. How about next week, eastern holydays start on wednesday and we could go dinner after work". And then my hell started. She kept refusing any day I offered her, to the point I may became a bit tedious (she still was kissing me tho). So at the end we just stood up, and picked a taxi each one.
2 days of weekend hell. That girl rly rly opened up a wound of the past I thought it was closed, shes just so so so like this other girl I knew when I was living in Barca…., I couldnt stop thinking about her and how i thought i rly fucked it up for asking her out, cuz deep inside me, I knew that something were not just right where it should be if you know what I mean.
So the next monday, at job, we crossed a couple of emails "we need to talk". Fine, so we went to have a walk after job. She told me that she was not right, that she was a mess in the head. At this point I was thinking that the reason was that she wasn’t ready to meet other ppl after this relationship. I told her that I didnt want nothing serious (lies lies), and that if I was the reason. She told me that it wasn’t me, that it was her. Then I asked her that if she knew what was coming (pretty obvious during the last weeks of fooling around like we were 18 yo in the uni), because I was 100% sure she knew that sooner or later I was gonna make a move. She recognized it, and thus I asked her, "yet how could you make up with me and at the same time knowing what was going on inside your head?" "how could you let me make my move if you knew what was coming"? Then she replied her with something I said once in a pub with other ppl, that "I could never be friend with a girl I could see as sum1 I would have something else". So, as you can imagine, my only reply was, once again, that if it was me. She told me that no, that it was her. After a moment of silences she asked if this was going to change everything assuming my previous statement about female friends. I have replied her that "in order to answer that, I need to know if she will never ever have a date with me. Not 2morrow, or the next month, but in the future, will you date me"?
Her exact reply was: “I just don`t know, I’m not sure”. I asked her if she didnt want to say "never" because shes was afraid that everything will change for us. She told me that if I wanted her to say what will make things easier for me, or how she feels. I told her, that I rly rly rly rly rly didnt want her to say "never" but indeed, it would make things easier for me, knowing that it might allow me to move on faster, specially when we have to see each other everyday till summer (i finish my duty in that client by then). So she said that the truth is that she "doent know. That it could be yes or no". And i said "what if another nite at the pub I try to kiss you, would you stop me this time? or would you allow me again?". She replied that " I dont know, we are mutual atracted, but I could perfectly refuse it. Will that change things for you?". And again I told her that "yes. that would change everything". The argument was going round and round throu the same points and so we agreed to stop it, and resume it in the future.
Weeks passed and we never resumed that conversation again. But I couldnt stop thinking about her. Thinking that I made my move in a wrong time, that I should just wait and let her come to her own decision (which would be forced to my side due to my innate sex-appeal obviously).
The final hit. 2 Saturdays ago I bumped into one of her friends in a club. We were having a drink while talking about stuff when I couldn’t resist but ask her if I made a wrong move by asking her out. She told me that no, It wasnt a bad move or a bad timed move, nor it was due to me not being the type of guy she dates: shocking news! She is already dating someone… I almost broke the glass I was holding.
I asked her friend if she knew why when we had our last conversation she kept telling me that this was a “maybe yes maybe no” instead of a “definetly NO”. She didn’t know what her friend was thinking, but that I should just forget about her.
Now the conclusion. When I thought this kind of stuff would never happen to me again, I found that an old wound has just been opened up. The second girl in my life I see as the one who I want to start something serious with, is the second girl that rejects it. The first one was when I was 25 yo, and I was totally aware that it was an imposible relation cuz she was 30 and she was looking for something totally different than me. But this time? This time I rly rly thought was the one. And this “déjà vu” is the reason that I’m losing it. I can feel I losing it day by day.
I have resorted to weed and pills just to be able to have some sleep by nite.
Im going a lot to the gym, even when Im totally knackered by the lack of sleep and energies, just so I am able to have some time w/o my mind thinking on her.
Calling a lot of friends just to have trivial conversations.
Drugs allow me to cloud my mind cuz theres no single hour in the day that Im not thinking about all this. Specially this: I just don’t know if the very first time we had something, she was already dating this guy. Maybe that was the reason why she didn’t want to sleep that nite with me. Or maybe she was not dating him by then, and I fucked it up by playing the “tough interesting guy” during 1 month instead of just asking her out straight after and showing my interest for her.
Im so lost that the other Friday I found myself sneaking behind a door, trying to grasp some of the words from a call she received. Even worst! I even thought about following her after work!! Thanks god that there was a click in my mind in that very moment: “seek for professional help!”.
So this is it. This is me like a puppet in tatters. At least for this week until I meet the therapist. If I cant have her, I just want to pull her out of my mind. I want her to be just Ana, that girl from my office, I want things to be just like they were 6 months ago.
You know? While I write this I feel somehow relieved. At least for some time Ive kept my mind focused on me instead on her.
Cheers for reading and sorry for the typos/spelling/grammar
Firstly, the consequences Im noticing are directly involved with my body: I’ve lost 5kg in the last 4 weeks, I barely sleep 3 hrs/nite, even if I go out on a Friday nite and go to bed at 7am, I still get just couple of hours of sleep. I’m never hungry to the point im forcing myself to eat almost by pushing the food throu my throat. I'm being constantly told either that i look sad, or tired or with a "lost glare". There's always sum1 asking me if im sick or just "r u alrite?"
Last friday this situation reached a point where I decided to call my sister and ask her for the telephone number of her therapist. I know she helped my sister a lot with her personal problems. And I mean a lot. I’m having my 1st therapy session this very Friday. Because deep inside me, I know that this problem, the root of it, goes a lot more deeper than what it seems. Guess its good to recognize you have a serious problem instead of living in denial. At least i rly hope its a step forward.
The reason?? Something that I’ve never thought it would happen to me again in my life. Not after reaching 30 indeed. A girl.
Theres sum1 here that already knows the story, but still, I’m so so so lost atm that I thought maybe sharing this stuff with other ppl might help. Dont know why, but sometimes, i feel more comfortable to share my problems with sum1 outside my friendship circle.
WARNING: Wall of text
Last year around october I broke up with a girl after some months hanging around in a non formal way (meaning we were not even close to being a couple). 12 months of that kind of “friendship” doesnt sound too much, I know, but let me tell you that with 30 springs behind my back, its been the longest and closest thing to a relationship I had in my life. Funny tho, untill today, except a certain time in my life, this was the way I always wanted to be: going out with girls, sometimes just a couple of dinners, sometimes more often, but never thinking about developing a relationship with them.
Well, at the same time, Ive been working in the same place for more than a year. And there I've met this girl. At 1st i didnt even notice her, she was just a nice lass of my job that in a certain way reminded me to sum1 I met in the past. It was in christmas when I started speaking with her more frequently, we went with the rest of the jobm8s to have some beers a couple of nites, and I were told that she was leaving his boyfriend out of boredom after 4 years of living together.
As you can figure, I felt her pain, specially when I knew that the lad was a complete douch and Mr. Scrouge in the flesh, cuz he ripped her 2k € from their shared savings when they split (a cheap price acording for the deal according to her). So, after christmas we started speaking more and more frequently, even one day she was having troubles again with her ex-bf i invited her to a beer after work just because she was so sad that i thought about cheering her up. Still I still didn’t see her “that way”.
Weeks passed, and we started crossing "teenager" emails and such. And then it came this friday, when had this big dinner + clubing friday nite with all the ppl from the office. We had some few drinks and fooled around, and when i noticed it, she was kissing me in a corner of the club (she says it was me who started it, but i rly rly know it was her who "launched the first attack"). We made up the rest of the nite, at this time I was just thinking "hey! a pretty lady, shes nice and know more cheerful, and lucky me I will prolly not sleep alone tonite", but at the end, nothing happened and we headed to our respective homes at 8am (got a nice cold that nite for being in the street w/o scarf for 2 hours trying to convince her to come to my place).
So, the next monday we talked throu gmail this time cuz the chatting was so frequent that emails were getting dull. She told me that assuming we were gonna have to work together (her desk its 10meters in front of mine)and that it wasnt the best idea to sleeping together that nite. So there was me, thinking that she had a very valid point, she is not that kind of girl, and at the end "bad luck this time", cuz as Ive told you, im kinda used to "one hit wonders" girls.
And again, weeks passed, but this time the chatting throu gmail was so frequent that somedays we did nothing but chating. As you can figure, i threw her some "hot" taunts about that last nite, she laughed, taunted back etc etc. Then another thursday nite beers with the folks from the office, and then the same old story: kisses, petting etc...
So there was me, starting to get hooked to a girl I barely saw that way 5 months earlier. To be honest, I was so hooked up that I started to make stupid plans, the kind of plans you don’t develop when you are 25 if you know what I mean: what if she is the one? I rly thought she might because it went from a physical attraction to a personality attraction. However, during the whole proccess I was always doubtfull about her state of mind, specially after the troubles she passed during her last relationship, and I rly didnt know at "what point" she was her.
And then, 4 weeks ago we had yet another dinner + clubbing nite with some folks from the office. Truth is that during the previous weeks I was so looking forward that nite. We had been fooling around enough time not to ask her out properly, not the usual “lets have dinner and sex and maybe we call us on another day” but something well thought and planned.
This time, it was me who started kissing her one time we were alone ordering some drinks. And once again, she kissed back, and stuff started to get hot. It was the 3rd time this was happening and as I said I reached the point where I was going to her out for a proper date, you know, a day in the park, a cinema afternoon, …. that kind of stuff, but just the 2 of us, w/o alcohol and other ppl around. Just so we could start knowing each other the proper way and not fooloing around at job like students in college. So at one point of the nite, a jobm8 came and asked me how were the things with that girl (at this point, pretty much every1 in the office knew we had something). I told him that I wasnt rly sure, that I was never the type of guy who thinks about the long term with a girl, but at the age of 30 (shes 30 too) I was starting to think about my future, and that maybe shes was the right girl. Must confess another sin, on a certain moment of the time I used a move that in other ocassions proved right: after one hot encounter we had at the restroom exit I sent her an sms with the text “you drive me crazy”.
So, party ended, and we started walking back home together. At one point, we stopped in a bench and she sit on me kissing me again and asked me that we needed to talk. So, I finally asked her "do you have something planned for this sunday?. Wanna come with me to the cinema or to have some pasta in a good place?" And she told me that she couldnt while still kissing me. "Fine. How about next week, eastern holydays start on wednesday and we could go dinner after work". And then my hell started. She kept refusing any day I offered her, to the point I may became a bit tedious (she still was kissing me tho). So at the end we just stood up, and picked a taxi each one.
2 days of weekend hell. That girl rly rly opened up a wound of the past I thought it was closed, shes just so so so like this other girl I knew when I was living in Barca…., I couldnt stop thinking about her and how i thought i rly fucked it up for asking her out, cuz deep inside me, I knew that something were not just right where it should be if you know what I mean.
So the next monday, at job, we crossed a couple of emails "we need to talk". Fine, so we went to have a walk after job. She told me that she was not right, that she was a mess in the head. At this point I was thinking that the reason was that she wasn’t ready to meet other ppl after this relationship. I told her that I didnt want nothing serious (lies lies), and that if I was the reason. She told me that it wasn’t me, that it was her. Then I asked her that if she knew what was coming (pretty obvious during the last weeks of fooling around like we were 18 yo in the uni), because I was 100% sure she knew that sooner or later I was gonna make a move. She recognized it, and thus I asked her, "yet how could you make up with me and at the same time knowing what was going on inside your head?" "how could you let me make my move if you knew what was coming"? Then she replied her with something I said once in a pub with other ppl, that "I could never be friend with a girl I could see as sum1 I would have something else". So, as you can imagine, my only reply was, once again, that if it was me. She told me that no, that it was her. After a moment of silences she asked if this was going to change everything assuming my previous statement about female friends. I have replied her that "in order to answer that, I need to know if she will never ever have a date with me. Not 2morrow, or the next month, but in the future, will you date me"?
Her exact reply was: “I just don`t know, I’m not sure”. I asked her if she didnt want to say "never" because shes was afraid that everything will change for us. She told me that if I wanted her to say what will make things easier for me, or how she feels. I told her, that I rly rly rly rly rly didnt want her to say "never" but indeed, it would make things easier for me, knowing that it might allow me to move on faster, specially when we have to see each other everyday till summer (i finish my duty in that client by then). So she said that the truth is that she "doent know. That it could be yes or no". And i said "what if another nite at the pub I try to kiss you, would you stop me this time? or would you allow me again?". She replied that " I dont know, we are mutual atracted, but I could perfectly refuse it. Will that change things for you?". And again I told her that "yes. that would change everything". The argument was going round and round throu the same points and so we agreed to stop it, and resume it in the future.
Weeks passed and we never resumed that conversation again. But I couldnt stop thinking about her. Thinking that I made my move in a wrong time, that I should just wait and let her come to her own decision (which would be forced to my side due to my innate sex-appeal obviously).
The final hit. 2 Saturdays ago I bumped into one of her friends in a club. We were having a drink while talking about stuff when I couldn’t resist but ask her if I made a wrong move by asking her out. She told me that no, It wasnt a bad move or a bad timed move, nor it was due to me not being the type of guy she dates: shocking news! She is already dating someone… I almost broke the glass I was holding.
I asked her friend if she knew why when we had our last conversation she kept telling me that this was a “maybe yes maybe no” instead of a “definetly NO”. She didn’t know what her friend was thinking, but that I should just forget about her.
Now the conclusion. When I thought this kind of stuff would never happen to me again, I found that an old wound has just been opened up. The second girl in my life I see as the one who I want to start something serious with, is the second girl that rejects it. The first one was when I was 25 yo, and I was totally aware that it was an imposible relation cuz she was 30 and she was looking for something totally different than me. But this time? This time I rly rly thought was the one. And this “déjà vu” is the reason that I’m losing it. I can feel I losing it day by day.
I have resorted to weed and pills just to be able to have some sleep by nite.
Im going a lot to the gym, even when Im totally knackered by the lack of sleep and energies, just so I am able to have some time w/o my mind thinking on her.
Calling a lot of friends just to have trivial conversations.
Drugs allow me to cloud my mind cuz theres no single hour in the day that Im not thinking about all this. Specially this: I just don’t know if the very first time we had something, she was already dating this guy. Maybe that was the reason why she didn’t want to sleep that nite with me. Or maybe she was not dating him by then, and I fucked it up by playing the “tough interesting guy” during 1 month instead of just asking her out straight after and showing my interest for her.
Im so lost that the other Friday I found myself sneaking behind a door, trying to grasp some of the words from a call she received. Even worst! I even thought about following her after work!! Thanks god that there was a click in my mind in that very moment: “seek for professional help!”.
So this is it. This is me like a puppet in tatters. At least for this week until I meet the therapist. If I cant have her, I just want to pull her out of my mind. I want her to be just Ana, that girl from my office, I want things to be just like they were 6 months ago.
You know? While I write this I feel somehow relieved. At least for some time Ive kept my mind focused on me instead on her.
Cheers for reading and sorry for the typos/spelling/grammar
tenta
