Advice A friend with a bereavement

[old.user4556]

Freddys - some of you have had parents who have passed away, so looking for some advice.

A friend of mine who I was in touch with most days, and part of a closer group of friends, lost his dad last year (around November) which hit him hard. We sent a note of condolence with additional words that we were there for him any time for any support. We gave him space and respected his private grief, Christmas and new year came and went, then I reached out to him around March time asking how he was and if he wanted to join me on a walk with some other friends - no response to my text. I gave it a few more weeks and reached out again to check if he fancied it - no response. Through social media, he seemed active: out with his wife and children, on holiday, spending time with other family members, a sense of normality in his life. I dropped his wife a text and asked how things were, how he was, and she said that he was doing OK all things considered. A couple of months back I nuked my Facebook and created a new one (work reasons) and he was the only person not to accept my friend request - starting to get a feeling that something was really wrong. He and his wife had a second child back in June and I sent him a congratulations note (as did my missus) and neither of us heard back or got any acknowledgement.

My friend group started discussing the above, we were all concerned about him so I got in touch privately with his wife again (given his incommunicado) to ask how things were, and was everything OK with him because I hadn't heard for months. She said he was fine, but busy with work - he must know that we're asking for him. We're now into September, so I dropped him another text asking how the family were and discussing the results of our local sports team that we both support - I finished the text asking if we was coming to any games and it would be good to see him. No response.

Am I doing something wrong here? At what point do I accept this friendship is over?

 

[caLLous]

He might just be a dick now.

Either that or pressure from the wife not to mingle with your group for whatever reason. Seems odd otherwise why he would distance himself from you when you didn't do anything when he's seemingly normal with others.

 

[Scouse]

Not normal. Ring wife - say above - say you're happy for her to tell you that he doesn't want to see you any more and you won't feel bad at her for saying this.

That's my second preference (edit: because: wife, see above and below). My first is to turn up on the front doorstep unnanounced, knock, say Hi and invite yourself in. Sometimes people who've grieved put weird mental barriers up that take action (text/phone isn't action) to break down before everything becomes normal again.

That's not intrusion - that's perfectly acceptable conduct from a friend. In fact, I'm going to rock up at a mate (was his best man) who's missus is making him 'go dark' next week - he's really polite so won't keep me out. I'm gonna order a curry, have a nice few hours and it'll remind him how much we get on, regardless of what his miserable hag of a wife thinks - queue moumtain biking buddy for another 12 months until she wears him down and I have to do it all over again.

I'm an obstinate cunt, mind, but the actions of my friends speak louder than words to me. Always have done - and I get complimented on keeping disparate groups of mates together when they'd otherwise drift apart because blokes are just shit.

BTW - unless he brings it up don't mention the dad. Long since time that shit was over with. If he brings it up express comisserations and your understanding that it must have been hard, but steer convo back to stuff you'd like to do instead - walk up a favourite hill, drink a toast? Plus you've loads of other stuff you want to do together, right?....

 

[Shagrat]

so is it just you he's stopped communicating with or do you have other mutual friends who are experiencing the same thing with him?

 

[old.user4556]

so is it just you he's stopped communicating with or do you have other mutual friends who are experiencing the same thing with him?

It seems to be all of us except his family, which is why I'm hesitant about the whole situation. It may be that this resentment has been brewing before his bereavement and that it's tipped him over the edge? He's not an outgoing guy, I'd say he's introverted by nature, where as some of us (myself included) are outgoing positive people. I was wondering if that was making him uncomfortable somehow, or perhaps he wasn't ready for that level of "outgoingness". That said, he's not even replying to basic chat one on one, let along group WhatsApps.

Not normal. Ring wife - say above - say you're happy for her to tell you that he doesn't want to see you any more and you won't feel bad at her for saying this.

That's my second preference (edit: because: wife, see above and below). My first is to turn up on the front doorstep unnanounced, knock, say Hi and invite yourself in. Sometimes people who've grieved put weird mental barriers up that take action (text/phone isn't action) to break down before everything becomes normal again.

That's not intrusion - that's perfectly acceptable conduct from a friend. In fact, I'm going to rock up at a mate (was his best man) who's missus is making him 'go dark' next week - he's really polite so won't keep me out. I'm gonna order a curry, have a nice few hours and it'll remind him how much we get on, regardless of what his miserable hag of a wife thinks - queue moumtain biking buddy for another 12 months until she wears him down and I have to do it all over again.

I'm an obstinate cunt, mind, but the actions of my friends speak louder than words to me. Always have done - and I get complimented on keeping disparate groups of mates together when they'd otherwise drift apart because blokes are just shit.

BTW - unless he brings it up don't mention the dad. Long since time that shit was over with. If he brings it up express comisserations and your understanding that it must have been hard, but steer convo back to stuff you'd like to do instead - walk up a favourite hill, drink a toast? Plus you've loads of other stuff you want to do together, right?....

Sage advice mate, thanks. Not sure about showing up unannounced, tried that about 10 years ago with a mate who had a drink problem and it did not go well.

 

[Scouse]

At this point you've nothing to lose m8. Maybe flip that coin if you can't think of owt else?

 

[Moriath]

Maybe he has just reevaluated his life and has different goals and needs now.

Seems odd that he doesnt send any communication back.

Perhaps the life he had before would bring up memories he doesnt want to deal with. When my dad died it took years for me to sort myself out and i lost a lot of friends during that time.

Show up as scouse said. Say hi bring him a beer, all he can say is dude it just doesnt work for me at the moment.

 

[Edmond]

Its easy just to get on with things sometimes and bury the other stuff at the back of your head. I didn't approach my problems with my mum for a good 15 years and it made me a mess for a few years when I did. I really pissed a lot of people off (hi @russell ) but luckily they were good friends that put up with me and helped.

I didn't want to talk to anyone at the time that might want to discuss the loss as I didn't want to have to go over how I was feeling and how I was coping, so as I say, I buried it away.

He maybe avoiding you all because he may feel he's still not ready to bring up issues that he doesn't want to deal with.

I wouldn't go and knock on the door, as if it was me it would make me feel very uncomfortable and I would feel pressured to have to talk about things that I don't want to, or even just to try and make pleasant conversation. But then I don't know the relationship you have, so if you think it will be ok then go for it. I'm just looking at it from my perspective

Bereavement can change people, not in a good or bad way, but it can give you a different outlook and in my case re evaluate what is important and what's not

He may feel his relationship with his friends is something he wants to leave behind, and if so you should respect that, but it would be nice to know either way I suppose.

This is how I feel about it, but everyone is different. There is no right or wrong, just tread carefully

 

[Lamp]

Grief can change ppl. You never get over the loss of a parent. You'll always miss them. Time just numbs the heart ache that's all.

It does sound as if he's not interested. You can lead a horse to water. Forget texting and social media. Old school. Telephone him. Pop round when you know he's in, but not randomly. Check with his Mrs first.

If you meet, I would offer my conoldences, say a few nice things about his dad. You can't ignore major stuff like that, especially given its probably the reason your friendship has gone cold.

If you continue to draw blanks, walk away, but make sure he knows you're there if hewants to reach out.

 

[old.user4556]

All great advice, thanks.

He may feel his relationship with his friends is something he wants to leave behind, and if so you should respect that, but it would be nice to know either way I suppose.

I think this is probably it. I do respect his decision, I just want to walk away from it knowing that I extended the hand on several occasions to no avail. He too must respect my boundaries - I'm at an age where I no longer need to get by in a friend group filled with pseudo-tolerable bell-ends (school, uni, early days of work) and if someone isn't adding positively to my life for whatever reason then I will dissolve that relationship. I've said on another thread that I do not need people in my life to be happy, so if he chooses to not be in mine, so be it.

 

[Ctuchik]

All great advice, thanks.



I think this is probably it. I do respect his decision, I just want to walk away from it knowing that I extended the hand on several occasions to no avail. He too must respect my boundaries - I'm at an age where I no longer need to get by in a friend group filled with pseudo-tolerable bell-ends (school, uni, early days of work) and if someone isn't adding positively to my life for whatever reason then I will dissolve that relationship. I've said on another thread that I do not need people in my life to be happy, so if he chooses to not be in mine, so be it.

Just go home to him and ask what the hell he's doing. No way is behaviour like that acceptable, not for over a year.

That said, how pushy have you lot been in getting him back into socializing? If you haven't done more than what you've told us here it could be that he's actually pissed off at you thinking you don't really care.

 

[old.user4556]

That said, how pushy have you lot been in getting him back into socializing? If you haven't done more than what you've told us here it could be that he's actually pissed off at you thinking you don't really care.

I wouldn't say we were pushy, slightly pejorative in tone - we've certainly included him in any conversations about social plans. As per my original post, tried to organise a walking outing with him, asked if he wanted sporting tickets (collectively in a group chat, no response), I've messaged him individually to see if he wanted to come to a game. Radio silence.

We / I have put the ball into his court as often as possible, we can't even gleam a "no thanks".

 

[Scouse]

Turn up. Ask. Only way to be sure without nuking the relationship from orbit

 

[Ctuchik]

We / I have put the ball into his court as often as possible, we can't even gleam a "no thanks".

After my cat, dad and granny all died within a span of five months two years ago, my mates waited three months trying to get me out the way you have tried. Then they lost patience came home to me and literally dragged me out and forced me to have fun. Maybe that's what this guy needs? A firm but gentle reminder of what it's like to have fun with his mates again?

Don't give up on him until you're absolutely clear that he wants nothing more to do with you.

 

[Tom]

Get all your mates together on a pub crawl, bang on his door and see what he says. All of you. Happy, cheery, "come on mate it'll be fun". If he says no then that's that. If he says yes then hopefully he'll chill out and it'll all be forgotten.