A CLASSIC GOLD SEEL POST!! 40k post from Barrysworld.(Segmented for your comfort)
- Thread starter old.Tohtori
- Start date
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Jonaldo said:If you could sum it all up in less than ten words, what did you just say please Tohtori?
IF i could sum it up in less then ten words, i'd say:
"Here is a summary of my long post sir."
9 words aaaand...i was polite too.
You can't sum Teh Seel up, it's all or nothing.
Whichever you choose, remember, i still love you.
old.Osy
No longer scrounging, still a bastard.
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- 2,697
How Sad. How sad is it to see people waving their tails around TheSeel!(tm) topics. Everybody quotes the orange wonderful carrots, and hopes his post will look all witty and consensual, although he didn't take time to read the whole garbage. All coming up and saying "good stuff" "bring old times back" "another quality post by", etc etc. You people are so sad.
And you Rubric, I had expected more of you.
Tohtori, if this is the kind of attention you want, boy I so pity you.
Ps: Appologies to those that were actually honest in their posting. You're even more sad for that. Hah.
*cackles and flips his magic stick twice, poofing in a thick gray fog*
And you Rubric, I had expected more of you.
Tohtori, if this is the kind of attention you want, boy I so pity you.
Ps: Appologies to those that were actually honest in their posting. You're even more sad for that. Hah.
*cackles and flips his magic stick twice, poofing in a thick gray fog*
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Which is sadder, the Seel hater or the Seel liker.
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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old.Osy said:
Well, you dislike the community for thinking my writing is good entertainment.
From this we can assume you don't find my posts entertaining.
And then, because my posts are what i am, you don't find me entertaining.
Ergo visavis summa summarum... you don't like me as the persona i am potrayed in these forums.
So if you don't hate me, and you do not like me, what is your opinion?
Rubric,
Originally Posted by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every hero becomes a bore at last.
I never called myself a hero. Just because people like what i write doesn't mean that i'm saying that i'm good.
Also never would want to be a hero, hero's get killed.
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Breon said:
If you don't get the point, you don't like it. Trust me. So gladly move to another thread with less then two lines. Nobody forces you to read. I bet there's a nice picture of a bunny humping a rhino for you out there.
Actually mentioned people like you in there too
Dukat
Resident Freddy
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- Jan 10, 2004
- Messages
- 5,396
Addlcove said:I figure by now there must be new users here that hasn't actually seen this post
hehe nice bumpage there
uber post, should be read by everyone, I vote someone should put it on the front entrance to FH!
or at the very least make it a sticky!!
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Oh ...wow...
*blinks*
Now this is bumpage.
And reminds me that i should do teh new golden spinoff. Not as good as the priginal, but has it's own fanbase....
Wow. That's all i can say. Who dared bump this?
*blinks*
Now this is bumpage.
And reminds me that i should do teh new golden spinoff. Not as good as the priginal, but has it's own fanbase....
Wow. That's all i can say. Who dared bump this?
Kasall
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2005
- Messages
- 124
Merry Christmas Everyone.
Malcolm and Maureen were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Malcolm suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Maureen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Malcolm out. When the medical director became aware of Maureen's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Maureen the news he said, "Maureen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." “The bad news is, Malcolm, the patient you saved, hanged himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." ............................ Maureen replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his @rse. An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . "Sod Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral" One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" A teacher asks her students if they're Newcastle fans. All of the hands go up except for one student"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "Sunderland." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Sunderland fans, so I'm a Sunderland fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both idiots, would you be an idiot too?" "No, that would make me a Newcastle fan!" Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. “When I married your mother, the first thing I did when I got home was to take off my trousers” he said “I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me, that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were to large. I told her of course they’re too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, ever since that day we have never had a single problem….” Jack took his fathers advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn’t possibly wear them. “Exactly” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don’t want you to forget that”. Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can’t possibly get into your knickers” said Jack. “Exactly” replied Jill “and if you don’t change your flaming attitude………you never will”. There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear. She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on TV and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look around her at the TV. She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?" The husband replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear." An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday, Evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by Cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to his story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre; I always end up getting my head kicked in." So the Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly sh*t out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me." "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bloody menthol” A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You shouldn't be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they'll go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" Then she sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna be in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the lass, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind.....Second, you didn't read your homework ....and third, one day you're going to be VERY, VERY disappointed! A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Two Irish builders were working on a house. One was on a ladder nailing planks. He repeatedly reached into his nail pouch, pulled out a nail, looked at it, and either tossed it over his shoulder or proceeded to nail it into the wood. The other Irish guy looked up at him perplexed and called out “Why are you throwing some of those nails away?” The first builder explains “When I pull them out of my pouch, it’s either pointing towards me or pointing towards the house. I can only use the ones pointing towards the house as you can’t hammer a nail in flat end first, do you think I’m stupid?” His mate shook his head and called back “Sure - and y’are stupid, you shouldn’t throw those nails that are pointed towards to you away they’re for the other side of the house” A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the ...%@#$%^&* who pushed me in the pool."
And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Malcolm and Maureen were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Malcolm suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Maureen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Malcolm out. When the medical director became aware of Maureen's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Maureen the news he said, "Maureen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." “The bad news is, Malcolm, the patient you saved, hanged himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." ............................ Maureen replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his @rse. An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . "Sod Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral" One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" A teacher asks her students if they're Newcastle fans. All of the hands go up except for one student"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "Sunderland." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Sunderland fans, so I'm a Sunderland fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both idiots, would you be an idiot too?" "No, that would make me a Newcastle fan!" Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. “When I married your mother, the first thing I did when I got home was to take off my trousers” he said “I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me, that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were to large. I told her of course they’re too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, ever since that day we have never had a single problem….” Jack took his fathers advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn’t possibly wear them. “Exactly” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don’t want you to forget that”. Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can’t possibly get into your knickers” said Jack. “Exactly” replied Jill “and if you don’t change your flaming attitude………you never will”. There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear. She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on TV and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look around her at the TV. She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?" The husband replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear." An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday, Evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by Cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to his story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre; I always end up getting my head kicked in." So the Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly sh*t out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me." "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bloody menthol” A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You shouldn't be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they'll go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" Then she sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna be in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the lass, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind.....Second, you didn't read your homework ....and third, one day you're going to be VERY, VERY disappointed! A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Two Irish builders were working on a house. One was on a ladder nailing planks. He repeatedly reached into his nail pouch, pulled out a nail, looked at it, and either tossed it over his shoulder or proceeded to nail it into the wood. The other Irish guy looked up at him perplexed and called out “Why are you throwing some of those nails away?” The first builder explains “When I pull them out of my pouch, it’s either pointing towards me or pointing towards the house. I can only use the ones pointing towards the house as you can’t hammer a nail in flat end first, do you think I’m stupid?” His mate shook his head and called back “Sure - and y’are stupid, you shouldn’t throw those nails that are pointed towards to you away they’re for the other side of the house” A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the ...%@#$%^&* who pushed me in the pool."
And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
leviathane
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2003
- Messages
- 7,704
nice bump
A
Aoln
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Tohtori has some competition ^^
