Typical job speak.

[Guest]

yes, if you delete your public and private key you cant open any of your old encrypted emails......


is the lan cable plugged into the back of the pc..........


how long has that coffee been in your keyboard......


etc etc

 

[JBP|]

"What part of now don't you understand?"
And
"Any time today will do"




I get so pissed off at people not doing their jobs sometimes :/

 

[Bodhi]

No, we can't do you 12 months free line rental.

No, you're not having a £700 phone free on a £15 tariff.

Yes, we can do you a K800i on a 12 month contract.

No it's 30 days written notice sir.


etc


Most of our customers are idiots.

 

[Gat_Decor]

Software Tester: 'This piece of code has a bug in it'
Coder: 'Well it works on my PC'

 

[Xtro]

"No, we don't pierce under 18s"

"No we dont tattoo under 18s"

"No we can't tatoo/pierce/bury you in a coffin and fill it with larvae today, we are booked up for weeks."

"Yes it hurts."

"No, it doesn't set off the metal detector in airports."

"Yes it is permanent"

"No, there is no such thing as a semi-permanent tattoo. Tattoos do not disappear after 5 years."

"That fit as fuck bird is in again today, I'll pierce her."

"Yes this is a tattooist" (I have to say this to people who wander in, see all the TATTOO DESIGNS on the wall, us TATTOOISTS and PIERCERS inking and tattooing people in front of them and still they ask?)

"No I will not tattoo you with an English Bulldog/football team/kanji/flavour of the month shit as sported by fucking retards."

Fuck it I could go on forever.

 

[old.user4556]

That explains a lot

How so?

 

[Jimmy]

for me its more "thats £3 pounds then sir" or "one mo and il be over to help you" as ppl yend to break things

 

[Tombha]

im surprised there hasnt been a "you want fries with that answer"...

at my work it usually goes in lines like

"ohhh ohhhh oooohhh you like that b*tch, ooh yeeeh.. suck that .... CUT! sorry, i didnt have the right motivation for that scene.. can you explain my backgroundstory again?"...





i wish..

 

[Wij]

How so?

Oh, err, nothing.

*whistle*

 

[Trem]

*stops wij's whistling with penis*

 

[Pfy]

ONE ON! your going to be work in a red zone today your place of safety is the down cess.

Railway bollocks

Hah. Pway

Always feel sorry for you bastards when it's raining and I'm driving past with the heater on.

 

[Pfy]

Oh and I'd be saying ...

"Well if xxxxx is spare then that lazy bastard can cover my last trip! Oh, Ok then"

 

[Trem]

I'll soon be saying at this rate "welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order please*"
















*credit to the greatest Ice Cube tune ever!!

 

[Doh_boy]

rofl, someone else knows the words. i fuckin hate doin the dive, not only do you get soaked but half the time the jet washer has no power.

why would you stop saying that, id say its quite vital to relay a number and the product to the people making.
though if you dont say that, who ever is making regular will shout "cheese on 8" to which youd reply a number of how many burgers should be cheesed.

oh the fun we have

btw im not sure they know the meaning of health and safety. not only is chicken left in the UHC for hours on end before being served, no one uses yellow wet floor cones or puts the grills to standby. i did go flying onto my ass one day carrying a box of fries and i thought i was gonna die. it could of landed into the vats and splashed oil all over me while i lay on the floor with a gaping head wound.

Heh, I was thinking more of calling the production bin the bin. Managers didn't like how loud we shouted things like 'how many macs are in the bin?'

As for leaving stuff in the UHC for ages I never bothered. Just threw the chicken away (or ate the nuggets with a slice of cheese and a shot of mayo).

I do enjoy the fact that the only time I said 'Thank you, please come again' in the three (and a bit) years I worked there the guy nearly twatted me!

 

[crappies]

"the button isn't working"

"why does the middle-one do?" (mouse whell)

 

[tris-]

As for leaving stuff in the UHC for ages I never bothered. Just threw the chicken away (or ate the nuggets with a slice of cheese and a shot of mayo).

i use the timers but the scummy teenagers (who have no idea about health and safety or the fact that they are liable for anything unsavoury that may happen to the person when they ingest the stuff) dont bother.

willingly eating chicken nuggets? you got some balls

 

[Sparx]

"A reboot should fix it..."

same for me

 

[Doh_boy]

i use the timers but the scummy teenagers (who have no idea about health and safety or the fact that they are liable for anything unsavoury that may happen to the person when they ingest the stuff) dont bother.

willingly eating chicken nuggets? you got some balls

Hehe, they didn't get away with it where I worked. You can easily tell which piece of chicken (or fish, etc) has been in there too long. It just looks shitty . People got bawled out regularly for such things.

The worst thing I did on a fairly regular basis was swap time-cards

 

[tris-]

Hehe, they didn't get away with it where I worked. You can easily tell which piece of chicken (or fish, etc) has been in there too long. It just looks shitty . People got bawled out regularly for such things.

The worst thing I did on a fairly regular basis was swap time-cards

what dya mean by swapping the cards?

 

[Whipped]

"Oh, piss off" (Whenever the phones ring)
"Have you got a helpdesk ref #"

"Our opening hours are only 10:00-16:30 except for emergencies. Is it an Emergency?"
"Yes"
"OK, What seems to be the problem?"
"I can't print"
"That's not an emergency." *click*

"Have you checked the System Status page? Because if you had then would have noticed that we are aware of the current problem with the email server and there was no need to log 50 helpdesk calls about it"

Just a few that I use or hear in the office each day.

 

[Asha]

"Are you a good doggie? Are you? Do you want a treat? Can you sit? Oh, you're a good dog !"

or me yelling expletives at the computer screen as I work from home

my coworker (he makes shitty coffee )

 

[Trancor]

'You want it by when?'
'It will take at least 30 minutes to print.'
'How long/wide is it?'
'You've measured wrong 35 and 40 don't add up to 65.'
'That's not possible.'
'How many copies!'

Could go on for hours.

 

[Pirkel]

- Yes sure I'll proofread this important document that should have been sent out two weeks ago for you in twelve seconds flat.
15 seconds later:
- Well I'm sorry that I found 48 mistakes in it, I thought finding mistakes was the general idea behind having me check it. Sorry I misunderstood.
- No I do not have a time machine either. I do however have a planner, see I'll show you. I have these tasks I need to do before the end of the week. See how I plan them a couple of days in advance rather then two weeks after the deadline? That way if I make mistakes I have plenty of time to work on the corrections.
- No I'm not trying to be a smart ass, it comes natural.

*sigh*

Not bitter, nope not at all.

 

[caLLous]

"Oh, piss off" (Whenever the phones ring)

Hah, I do this a lot. Either that or "oh ffs" as if it's some massive inconvenience that people want to ring my workplace.

"did you raise a PO?" is depressingly common when dealing with finance.

 

[TdC]

- Yes sure I'll proofread this important document that should have been sent out two weeks ago for you in twelve seconds flat.
15 seconds later:
- Well I'm sorry that I found 48 mistakes in it, I thought finding mistakes was the general idea behind having me check it. Sorry I misunderstood.
- No I do not have a time machine either. I do however have a planner, see I'll show you. I have these tasks I need to do before the end of the week. See how I plan them a couple of days in advance rather then two weeks after the deadline? That way if I make mistakes I have plenty of time to work on the corrections.
- No I'm not trying to be a smart ass, it comes natural.

*sigh*

Not bitter, nope not at all.

I feel your pain brother!

I shall add mine:


"when you got 72 hours of my time allocated to your project the allocation document clearly stated that the time ran at 9 hours per week, and not 72 hours all at once when you felt like it. I know I haven't done anything for you as yet, so you'd better hurry because you only have 27 hours of my time left"

"yes, that's my manager's name"

"you want me to write a disaster recovery scenario for when? that is four days from now! when did this project start? oh, eight months ago, aha I see you're a cock aren't you?"

"no, I said I'm getting a clock"

"yes, that's my manager's phone number"


not bitter at all :/

 

[Doh_boy]

what dya mean by swapping the cards?

Swap the current card for one that means it stays in. E.g. Burger has a 5, swap it for a 6. you get 5 or ten minutes more. Depending

 

[WPKenny]

Recently my work related sayings have been,

"I'll have to look into that and call you back."

"So what image am I putting on this one?"

"Where do they sit?"