O
old.s@xon
Guest
1. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge
by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you
fat bastards.
2. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.
This way at least you have a chance of spelling them
correctly.
3. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper
class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to
their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting
off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the
girls.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each
new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then
replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting
that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of
them.
5. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind
your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
6. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its
throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
7. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
8. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember
to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it
to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road
every time you have a minor accident.
9. Make people think you have an expensive car phone
by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they
say
and then hanging up half way through their reply.
10. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on
boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey
embarrassing or offensive.
11. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by
smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the
aisle.
12. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The following morning you can create the
effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
13. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit
to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of
salt and a dog turd into the bath.
14. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by
running your hands under tables and inside lampshades,
then turning the shower on every time you want to
speak.
15. Increase blind people's electricity bills by
switching all their lights on when their guide dog
isn't looking.
16. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold
water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
17. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by
phoning her up and telling her.
18. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?
Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden
and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
19. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by
wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book,
securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and
then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to
the passengers.
20. International master criminals. Tell your guards
to shoot James Bond in the head at the first
opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided
tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of
attractive women in bikinis.
21. King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars
bars, for giants.
22. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars
bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
23. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars
Bars for midgets
24. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always
take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when
attending interviews for office jobs. This would save
your potential employer the expense of having to make
a nameplaque for your desk, and therefore increase
your chances of getting the job.
[This message has been edited by s@xon (edited 29 July 1999).]
nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge
by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you
fat bastards.
2. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.
This way at least you have a chance of spelling them
correctly.
3. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper
class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to
their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting
off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the
girls.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each
new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then
replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting
that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of
them.
5. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind
your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
6. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its
throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
7. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
8. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember
to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it
to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road
every time you have a minor accident.
9. Make people think you have an expensive car phone
by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they
say
and then hanging up half way through their reply.
10. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on
boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey
embarrassing or offensive.
11. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by
smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the
aisle.
12. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The following morning you can create the
effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
13. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit
to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of
salt and a dog turd into the bath.
14. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by
running your hands under tables and inside lampshades,
then turning the shower on every time you want to
speak.
15. Increase blind people's electricity bills by
switching all their lights on when their guide dog
isn't looking.
16. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold
water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
17. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by
phoning her up and telling her.
18. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?
Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden
and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
19. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by
wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book,
securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and
then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to
the passengers.
20. International master criminals. Tell your guards
to shoot James Bond in the head at the first
opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided
tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of
attractive women in bikinis.
21. King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars
bars, for giants.
22. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars
bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
23. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars
Bars for midgets
24. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always
take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when
attending interviews for office jobs. This would save
your potential employer the expense of having to make
a nameplaque for your desk, and therefore increase
your chances of getting the job.
[This message has been edited by s@xon (edited 29 July 1999).]
