This is why we pay/don't pay our taxes...

eggy

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
5,283
Said to be an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue.


Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox onto the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, oppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
 

Alithiel

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Dec 23, 2003
Messages
648
I'd love to have the opportunity to write letters like that to some of the clients I work for without the risk of being fired... :p
 

Brynn

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
3,261
eggy said:
I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.


lol
 

evzy

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Jan 2, 2004
Messages
2,482
Really can't see it being a genuine letter but i sooooooo hope it is !

:clap:
 

oblimov

Luver of Buckfast
Joined
Dec 23, 2003
Messages
963
ha ha makes me laugh,

saying that ive had a few council letters and a couple of tax letters before that have been pretty close to that only without all the quoted stuff.

I once got one describing to me how hard it would be to pay off my council tax if they evectited me and auctioned of my property (i didnt even on it lol)
 

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