The Theory of Hovering

[Rumble]

Well since I hate to see a static forum and also because my fellow [SCW] members are attempting to overthrow the current regime, I thought I would add a little something as well .

An American magazine held a competition inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:

Subject: The Theory of Hovering

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.


...and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients


I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/t(c)

where;
p is the probability of carpet impact,
s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. t(c) and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash, resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident Victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

 

[Rumble]

Things To Do On An Elevator

Things To Do On An Elevator

CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

MEOW occasionally.

STARE at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

SAY "DING" at each floor.

SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button,

STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

SWAT at flies that don't exist.

CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

ANNOUNCE in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

WEAR a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

 

[TarX]

......

fings to do when it brakes down wiv sum nice fit bird in there errrrrm RAPE HER AND GIVE HER A BIG FUCK *ahem*

 

[old.Squally]

lol @ tempest

I might try them at my local shopping centre

 

[Rumble]

Maths Test

Well keeping inline with Vuz's orders im posting in an old thread


The Scottish Executive Education Committee has determined that different secondary Maths Exam are required for pupils in the two cities.

Below are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN GLASGOW:

NAME __________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Shug has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Malkie for 300 quid and 90 grams to Gozy for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Elroy McKay pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a shag, how many shags per day must each brasser perform to support his 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 bar, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,100 per year, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Bagga steals Dunky's skateboard. As Bagga skates away at a speed of 35mph, Dunky loads his brother's piece. If it takes Dunky 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Baga have travelled when he gets whacked?


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN EDINBURGH:


NAME_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local MP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

 

[Rumble]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer Magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

 

[Rumble]

Paddy and Murphy are walking home from the pub late one night pissed as farts and having a rare old time, singing and making merry. They pass a cemetery and Paddy says "aye there, shush, a bit of dignity for the dead there, Murphy" and Murphy goes quiet too, nodding "aye aye". They wander into the graveyard and Paddy takes his cap off and around, looking at the gravestones. He says "well fook me, lookit dat there Murphy... dis guy doid aged 87. Isn't dat a grand old age to be dying?" Murphy nods, and says "tis" and then sees another gravestone and says "ey, here’s anudder ol feller dat doid aged 94!! Dat's a foin age, so tis!" Paddy agrees and they set off on a game of trying to find the person who died the oldest. Before long, they are split up in the cemetery and their calls are echoing in the mist: "Look Murphy, dis one doid aged 97" "Dats nuthin, dis one popped 'is clogs at 104!" and so on and so on....

Eventually, Paddy has staggered to the edge of the other side of the cemetery and can see a small stone set apart from the others, near the road. He staggers across, curious, and upon seeing it closer, falls back aghast. He yells "Oy Murphy!! Fooking look at dis!! Der's dis guy doid here aged 146!! Out of the mist comes the reply "Fook me!! Dat must be some kind of record, so it must. Does the stone say who he was?" Paddy squints at the stone and says "Aye. Miles, from Dublin".

 

[Rumble]

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe H&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

 

[Rumble]

FBI

FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

 

[Rumble]

This girl runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" He says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She replies, "I don't care...Just get the fuck out!"

 

[Rumble]

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
Surface usually covered in painted film Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason. Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. Turns green when placed beside a betta specimen.

HAZARDS:
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

 

[Rumble]

At a recent computer expo. (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon"

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing this statement:

"Yes, but would you want a car to crash twice a day?"
Additionally GM stated:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just: ACCEPT, RESTART and DRIVE ON.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to RE-INSTALL the engine.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time ....... unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would still have to buy more seats ....... and possibly also a "Multi-User Licence".
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the Sun, was reliable, 5 times as fast, twice as easy to drive ........ but would only run on 5% of roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "GENERAL CAR DEFAULT" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened!!

 

[old.[SCW]Moon]

These 2 threads could have been made 1 m8

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

No chance. Mine are a class of their own.....

 

[Rumble]

Agreed but this was started ages ago by myself and i just continued it

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Yeah I suppose.......I'll let you have it ;-)

 

[Rumble]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and both feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. The sight of the pretty lady in the wavy dress has obviously excited him.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along. She does so, which gets our gorilla even more excited. The beast makes noises that could wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and it looks like Mr. Gorilla will tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs," the helpful husband says. The gorilla goes absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

 

[Rumble]

Date: Mon Oct 23 15:23:08 1995
Subject: 1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her -- therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son (Ronald Opus) had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

 

[Rumble]

An old one but still a classic you can find more funny true stories like this at http://www.darwinawards.com/

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket. The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT".

 

[Rumble]

BOVINE-BASED PHILOSOPHY
---------------------------------

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.


FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.


PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.


APPLIED COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.


DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.


MILITARISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.


PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.


REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.


SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.


AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair 'Cowgate', but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.


EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.


PURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You retire on the income.


HONG KONG CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad 'feng shui'.


TOTALITARIANISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.


POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non- specified gender. You are torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment centre. You spend six weeks getting in touch with your inner self and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

[old.DeerHunter]

You honestly have nothing better to do?

 

[Rumble]

nope.....i am THAT bored at work

besides, its educational.

 

[old.DeerHunter]

Ok, carry on