The Return Of Nessie's Joke Thread :p

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

CREATION OF MANKIND

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the eventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made." Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot
spot.

Can you see the balance?" "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means "The Water of Life". The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers. Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then: "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".

 

[old.[Do]JiM]

ROFL n1 nessie baby

more more DD

 

[old.Mr War]

bleh nice. us english suck

 

[eliminator]

It is indeed a welcome return

 

[old.GreyFoX]

Hope this aint just for ness

This is the tale of the unconforming sparrow and it has three morales to it, well here it is:

One winter a sparrow decided "fuck it im not flyin south for the winter all that f00kin effort for what? nowt ill bet im stayin put." but the icy winter came in and the little sparrow started to feel the cold and remembered how nice the weather was dahn saaf so he took off. thing is hed waited too long and his little wings became frozen solid when hed flown only a small distance.

The little sparrow plummeted towards the ground and went SMACK! straight through a barn roof and onto its floor BUMF! he lay there shivering with cold and fright when a cow walked over him and shat the biggest pile of crap onto him.

The little bird didnt think it could get much worse and had nearly given in the will to live when he realised the warm manure was heating his little frozen body up adn was regaining the use of his wings. he was so happy he started flapping about and chirping tryin to make his way out of the shit but all this noise attracted the farms cat and it came to investigate.
The little sparrow saw it creep towards him and struggled to get free of all the crap but to no avail the cat was upon him and pawing away the pile of shite gripped his prize in his jaws and gulped him down in one.

Now the morales to this story are:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is nesiccarily an enemy

2. Not everyone that gets you out of the shit is a friend

3. If your warm and happy in a pile of shit keep your mouth shut

k its not that good BUT it is TRUE

 

[old.eH_SimoN]

ahaha *slaps fox

I know its nessies joke thread and all, but i cant resist it....

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "What is this, some sort of joke?"

Or the one about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra....