The Friday (Really Bad) Joke Thread

gmloki

Part of the furniture
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
633
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.




After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"


The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,





*





*





*





*





(Wait for it)





*





*





*





*





(It's coming)





*





*





*





*





(Ya ready?)





*





*





*





*





(Don't hate me)





*





*





*





*





(Ya gonna hate me)





*





*





*





*





(Take a deep breath)





*





*





*





*





"He should've quit while he was a head!"
 

`mongoose

One of Freddy's beloved
Joined
Jan 9, 2004
Messages
957
knock knock

who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Banana who?

knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Banana who?

knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Banana who?

knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Banana who?

knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Banana who?

knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Banana who?

Knock Knock

Who's there?

orange

orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?


You wanted BAD jokes :p

M
 

Ch3tan

I aer teh win!!
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
27,305
Fucking LOL.


edit : lol to the first joke, not any subsequent efforts :)
 

babs

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 30, 2003
Messages
1,595
What were Rod Hull's last words?

Fly you fucker, fly!
 

Tilda

Moderator
Moderator
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
5,755
[1:45pm] <@babs^> Q. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
[1:45pm] <@babs^> A. Being raped.

:(
 

Talyn

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 31, 2003
Messages
608
From Mr. Bill Bailey -

Three fellows wenten into a pubbe,
and gleefully their hands did rubbe,
in expectacion of revelry,
for twas the hour known as happy.

Great bottles of wine did they quaff,
and hadde a really goode laff,
'till drunkenness held full dominion,
for 'twas two for the price of one.

Yet after wine and meade and sack,
man must have a massive snack,
great pasties from Cornwall,
Scottish eggs, round like a ball.

Great hams, quail, duck and geese,
they sucked the bones and drank the grease.
One fellow stood all pale and wan,
for he was a vegiterian.

Yet man knoweth that gluttony stoketh the fire of lechery,
upon three young wenches round and sly the fellows cast a wanton eye,
One did approach with drunken wink,
'allow daaahlin – you fancy a drink?

Soon they court them on their knee – 'twas like some grotesque puppetry,
such was the lewdness and debauchery 'twas like a sketch by Dick Emery,
Except Dick Emery is not yet born,
so that comparison may not be drawn.

But then the fellows began to pale,
for Quale are not the friend of ale,
And in their bellies much confusion,
from their throats, vile extruision!

Stinking foul coruption,
came spewing forth from drooling lips,
the fettid stench did fill the pubbe,
'twas the very arse of Belzibubbe.

Thrown they were, from the Whore and Trumpet,
In the street, no coin, no strumpet,
homeward bound must quickly go,
and to that end, a donkey stole.

Their hands all with vomit greased,
the donkey – was not pleased,
and threw them into a ditch of shite,
they all agreed – "what a brilliant night!"
 

tris-

Failed Geordie and Parmothief
Joined
Jan 2, 2004
Messages
15,260
Tilda said:
[1:45pm] <@babs^> Q. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
[1:45pm] <@babs^> A. Being raped.

:(
ROFL.
 

Kryten

Old Cow.
Moderator
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
3,351
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?"


Thora Hird
 

Kryten

Old Cow.
Moderator
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
3,351
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband."

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your **** and lick it all off." he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out." she storms.

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and
then drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, Love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my **** cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead"' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 16 pints of f*kkin Guinness.."
 

Big G

Has a sexy sister. I am also a Bodhi wannabee.
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
16,163
babs said:
What were Rod Hull's last words?

Fly you fucker, fly!
Have you heard his new business idea?

Rod Hull's Conservatories: smashing prices and concrete deals.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom