The final straw....

[sayward]

I didn't write this in the earlier thread cos thought it would be too much to take in. don't know why I tell you all anyway except it helps me get my mind in order. A couple of weeks ago in the middle of all this my step mother in law died. Old, in a home and very ill, so expected. I didn't really think too much about it, apart from oh shame and yet another funeral.

I'll set the scene My mother in law hated me on sight, in my defense she hated everyone, especially any of her son's girlfriends. They never had anything to do with other relatives because she was so awful. She did her best to stop us getting married and ruined the wedding. So we didn't see the in laws for years til we had children and there was a cease fire.

Anyway when the children were small she died. Father in law re married a perfectly pleasant, if not very bright woman. We went to the wedding. we had them over to visit us in Spain. A pretty normal relationship except he was never interested in the children all he wanted to do was talk to hub about things in the past. We were ignored.

Move on a few years and he also dies (older than my parents). Hub helped his step mother organise everything. Went thro all the paperwork etc etc. What we did discover was it was almost as tho we had been erased from history. Nothing about us in the whole house. At the funeral his friends didn't even know he had a son let alone grandchildren. We also worked out that there had been family get togethers from which we'd been excluded, organised by cousins who previously hadn't been having anything to do with him. you following this? ( the relatives we had thought friends were suddenly inviting him to things and not us)

Anyway step mother dies, so father in law's will comes into play. At least this time it's a real will and there are proper executors. OMG he has left 29% to step mother's sister ( in her late 80s), 29% to the cousin (who has been excluding us) and 14 1/2% to each of our 3 children.........

Now we realised that he wouldn't leave us anything. Under normal circumstances I would be absolutely thrilled for my 3. But after what's gone on over my mother's will and the pittance it is compared I am just SO annoyed.

Don't get me wrong we are not poor. But I haven't been able to work for years and hub hasn't for a couple of years. We are literally living on odds and ends after a lifetime of being careful with money I've never been able to be extravagant; my favourite shop is TKMaxx.

The in laws house is worth at least £300,000 and he must have had other assets. What is making me scream is if our parents had been even vaguely normal we would've just inherited around £500,000. We could've been comfortable for the rest of our lives. I am finding it very hard to get past this.

 

[Scouse]

Hate to say it @sayward - but they didn't take to you, for whatever reason, and had other people in their lives. Despite this, they've left some stuff to your kids. I don't see anything wrong with that.

When my mum pops it, which'll be soon, pretty much everything'll go to my workshy, errant brother whilst the funeral bill will go to me. I simply don't care. I'll never have an inheritance of any kind from anyone.

What's more concerning is that you and your husband are currenly unable to work. How come? What's going on there? It must suck to be living hand-to-mouth.

 

[old.Osy]

I don't know, people living in the hope of inheriting stuff from parents or relatives strike an unpleasant chord with me. It's all so archaic and medieval and unbecoming.

I don't know you though, you may be a very pleasant and likable person - i'm just speaking in general terms.

 

[Moriath]

Sorry your not able to work and neither is your hubby. Families will be families.

My gran promised my dad before he died that my brother and i wouldnt be forgotten in the event of her death. However when she died my dads sister did thee xecutor thing and me and me bro where completely ignored. Now it wasnt the amount it would have been about a grand each. But my aunt said her kids jeeded to pay off debts so she thought that was more important.

 

[Gwadien]

Never was aware of your situation before, sorry Sayward. This sucks.

The biggest irony is if youre in a poor situation then you need money in order to legally fight it.

Although I'm young and the older members could give you first hand advice, I would personally accept what has been given to me and move on, TKMaxx is an awesome shop for a start, and money shouldn't be the cause of any kind of depression. (although it usually is anyway)

Look for the positives in your life, grasp onto them however trivial they may seem, just remember that bad things to happen to good people.

Good luck. X

 

[Tom]

People are strange. My younger sister, who my father doted on, attended neither his memorial service nor his funeral. I didn't get along with my father and was unmoved when he died, but out of respect, I still went to both services (the memorial was a group thing from Manchester Uni because he donated his body to science). But worse was his funeral. Along with my younger sister, my mother and elder sister didn't go; not through malice or lack of care, but because the cremation coincided with a holiday both had booked together. My younger sister presumably couldn't be bothered, while my mum, being of a generation told not to complain, wouldn't listen when I told her she could simply call them to reschedule the cremation. It annoyed me a fair bit and still does, primarily because she wouldn't allow any of his friends to attend. So only three people were there - me, an aunt and an uncle (both from my mum's side). None of his brothers or sisters turned up, presumably because they hadn't been told. I filmed the service and shared it with them, privately, on YouTube.

I felt pretty bad for him. I think death teaches us a lot about existing relationships. Thus, I now have nothing to do with the younger sister and have no interest in ever seeing her again.

 

[Scouse]

younger sister

Just out of interest - didn't you ever ask her / them why?

 

[Jupitus]

I'll just send some *hugs*, @sayward

 

[Tom]

No, I'd already blocked her from Facebook because she'd expressed hatred of Jews and homosexuals. I believe her excuse was that she couldn't get someone to mind her kids. She sure was happy to accept some of the money gained from my sale of my dad's car, child minders must be very expensive where she lives. There's a lot more to it, but I think I have a fairly level-headed view of things.

 

[fettoken]

There will always be sneaky little cloak and dagger relatives that does everything to get their hands on money, be it your brother, sister, cousin or whomever.

My mother's sister was exactly like that. Mom found out that she had been going to an old relative and manipulating him getting him to pay for her kids clothes, give her 2000 quid here and there, said she had loans etc. My mom has been helping him with all sorts of things, taking care of him, calling etc but never asked for any money what so ever.
When their parents died she was the first to try and grab the most valuable stuff, while my mom wanted the items that actually meant something.
She actually admitted she always bought a lot of christmas presents for christmas to outshine and make it look like she was better off etc, when me and my brother really were happy for anything we got, and appreciated the get-togethers.

My parents wanted to buy their apartment in central Stockholm way back but they sold it for less to some random peeps just out of spite. Now, that apartment is worth at least 10x that. Karma.
She wanted to sell the house, but my parents bought her out, and the value tripled. Karma.

She's now divorced, barely getting by and renting an apartment. Complained to my mom that she's concerned she has nothing to leave to her two sons when she dies. Yeah, you fat cunt (now, she actually turned into one of those dodgy gym-goers that goes every day and talks about being healthy all the time) that's how it goes when you sell everything off for pennies on the dollar and live off of it while your husband works, then divorce him and meet random tits that treat you like dirt.

Goes to show what happens when you're a greedy, saggy little tit.

Edit: To top it all off, she studied to become a social worker and claims to have have all the wisdom that comes with semi-psychological courses. Of course, it's not her's, she's just quoting from the books and thinking she's better off.

/rant off

 

[Gwadien]

Wow that turned from sympathy to 'WHO THE FUCK KNOWS A HITMAN?' very quickly

 

[fettoken]

She has my sympathies.

 

[Moriath]

I think most of us could use a string free hitman from time to time lol

 

[old.Osy]

I think the Hitlers on this forum need to take a chill pill and re-read their posts.

 

[Anastasia]

Only #14 and Godwin (almost) strikes.

 

[Gumbo]

I heard of a Grandmother who had a very sensible will leaving her estate to be split 7 ways between her grandchildren. Both of her children were well set up. Mortgage free, decent wages and pensions lined up, didn't need the money, grandchildren at the time of her death aged from 19 to 38 so a good range of ages of people who would really benefit in terms of house deposits, help with raising great grandchildren etc.

One side of this family did everything for her, from changing light bulbs to taking her shopping or to the doctors. Arranging care for her when she had a fall, visiting her during the week and virtually every sunday bringing her over for lunch or going to hers (she hated sundays, found them very lonely). The other side (with 5 of the grandchildren, lived 2 minutes away, but wouldn't even spare the time to change the light bulb....)

Unfortunately, the child on the helpful side developed leukemia and died about 4 years before the Grandmother. His wife and the grandchildren on that side continued the same level of care and contact, and to be fair, even the unhelpful side got a bit more involved, especially when the Grandmas age got to the point where she needed to go into sheltered care, so the house had to be sold and powers of attorney needed to be signed...... You can see where this is going.

The Grandmother then passed away at the ripe old age of 101. The funeral was held, the only people attending the crem afterwards, much to their surprise, were the widow of her son and the 2 grandchildren from the helpful side of the family, not a soul from the unhelpful side. Those 2 grandchildren then waited. Not expecting much, no idea of Grandmas finances really, but thinking perhaps a few £k might be coming their way. Both with young families, the sort of amount that could clear a credit card down, or perhaps buy some new bedroom furniture for the great grandkids....

Nothing happens, no contact, frosty relations until between them they lose patience and pay the £6 for a copy of the will.

Turns out the estate is worth £380k. And within weeks of the death of the father, the will was changed to solely benefit the surviving daughter and the grandkids on that side.

Of course those left in the cold aren't at all bitter...

 

[sayward]

Thanks everyone. I'm very up and down. Just think I must've done something in a previous life. How did 2 of us get such ghastly parents? I think that if they hadn't been so self centred and jealous we wouldn't be only children. ( not saying people who have only children are like this just that I don't really think ours wanted us.)

 

[russell]

Hope this gets sorted soon. Try not to be bitter. Sometimes life is crap and ultimately you have no say in how people decide to leave their affairs. What is sad, is people that don't bother to sort it out while they are living, as the last thing grieving loved ones need do is sort out the shit left behind.

 

[sayward]

Went to step ma in law's funeral yesterday, hopefully the last one for a while. I was quite relieved that it was no better than the one I organised. i'm sure by now you all think I'm a total bitch. But in answer to someone, no I wasn't expecting anything from my in laws; they hated me and it was mutual.I feel very sorry for my husband tho. My mother is a different matter, I'm still reeling from the fact I didn't realise how truly evil she really was. she obviously lied to everyone about everything and everyone. No doubt thinking we'd never find out.

 

[sayward]

Hope this gets sorted soon. Try not to be bitter. Sometimes life is crap and ultimately you have no say in how people decide to leave their affairs. What is sad, is people that don't bother to sort it out while they are living, as the last thing grieving loved ones need do is sort out the shit left behind.

Thankyou. I do agree and I'm trying very hard to get past it all and get back to normal. Trouble is every time I see something, or something is mentioned or i get one of what seems to be a never ending stream of letters to do with death it sets me back.

 

[sayward]

Hi, you must be sick of hearing about my life. It helps me to put it into words and to hear opinions from people who are not personally involved. This has to have been one of the worst years of my life and I've had some absolutely diabolical ones. This time i haven't coped as well. I've realised my mother was pure evil, and I always thought I had a really loving family with my three children who I was SO proud of. But now we seem to come bottom of their list.
I think I'm doing ok and out of the blue I get another e mail from the cretin, this time telling me what to do with any money left over in my mother's estate! The solicitor is still trying to prove the will is not legal. It's going to take months even to send it to probate.
And Christmas is coming....if you haven't realised my children are all grown and either married or with partners and live away from home. Quite honestly we could be dead and they wouldn't've noticed. When people ask how's the family I usually have no idea!
We could die of old age before they ask us what we are doing for Christmas!
I don't know how to put everything right. I seem to've spent my whole life pandering to my mother and bringing up my children and for what?

 

[Moriath]

Hi, you must be sick of hearing about my life. It helps me to put it into words and to hear opinions from people who are not personally involved. This has to have been one of the worst years of my life and I've had some absolutely diabolical ones. This time i haven't coped as well. I've realised my mother was pure evil, and I always thought I had a really loving family with my three children who I was SO proud of. But now we seem to come bottom of their list.
I think I'm doing ok and out of the blue I get another e mail from the cretin, this time telling me what to do with any money left over in my mother's estate! The solicitor is still trying to prove the will is not legal. It's going to take months even to send it to probate.
And Christmas is coming....if you haven't realised my children are all grown and either married or with partners and live away from home. Quite honestly we could be dead and they wouldn't've noticed. When people ask how's the family I usually have no idea!
We could die of old age before they ask us what we are doing for Christmas!
I don't know how to put everything right. I seem to've spent my whole life pandering to my mother and bringing up my children and for what?

 

[Scouse]

OK @sayward - just because - choose devils advocate or helpful advice:

1) Helpful advice: Talk to your kids and tell them this is how you feel and ask them if you're being a drama queen or whether there's a problem. They'll probably tell you they love you.

2) Devils Advocate: You had kids for you, not them. They don't owe you a thing for all your parenting - and you shouldn't expect it - parents have kids for themselves, when the kids have left the home then it's their life...

 

[Job]

I have extended family in various directions through divorce and marriage, the ones who harped on the most about family/religious values, turned out to be the biggest cunts when the time came.
Seething envy builds up over time, envy that has no basis in fact.
There has recently been a serious illness in my close family and those are the times you find out who your friends are.
It has changed the dynamics of the tribe quite considerably..though it was no surprise to me, I can spot selfish bullshitters a mile off.

 

[Gwadien]

Echoing the 'helpful advice' that Scouse offered out too - you're obviously going to give us a bias perspective of what happened here (which obviously is at no fault of yours, it's just how we tell stories)

We don't know of their financial situation either, all I know is that money brings out the evil side of people regardless of who you are.

Use Christmas to offer an olive branch, they may accept and it's wonderful, or it all explodes again and then you definitely know the question to your answer, and then just focus on the positive stuff (easier said that done, I know!)

Leaving this shit in limbo is not going to do you, (or them, they could probably be waiting for you to accept them back for all you know!) any good.

 

[Moriath]

No kids, wife has two from previous marriage, brother has two, i feel desolate but understand my advantage/ disadvantge.