Teh Seel can't help but to go "Awwww..."

[old.Tohtori]

So i was up and awake at unmanly hours and stumbled upon this:

http://www.outlawsonline.com/EarnestLunsford.htm

Now ok, the guy might have thought of it as a good idea but...sadly for him...it was not

Let's go through it point by point shall we? *grins*

Thank you for viewing my ad...

(Yeah, well, unfortunetly stumble upon it would be the appropriate choice of words.)

I am looking to meet special friends who are willing to take the time to write a lonely man.

("Special" friends hmm? Not happy with the "special" friends you got in there? I'm sure someone -loves- you in there.)

I will answer all replies, looks, age, race or weight are not issues.

(Oh really? I would've thought that a man like you would have -some- standards. Oh come on your...well..umm...i get your point.)

I am not a shallow person, and who you are more important than what you like.

(Like ex-jaildudes, tattoos, stretchmarks and such?)

I am tired of being alone and want to have someone to share life with.

(Hmm. Tired of being alone in jail. I'm sure some lovely lady will commit a bankjob to...oh wait...they don't mix and match. Darn.)

I am told I have a great personality and a good sense of humor.

(I bet they especially love you "Oops i dropped my soap." routine you do.)

I am a regular weightlifter.

(What else did you think you would be doing in there?)

I love camping, hiking, snowboarding, animals, nature, gardening, drawing, swimming, candlelight dinners, go to the movies, or just rent some and snuggle up on a couch.

(Oh. So you -did- think there's more to do. Excuse me for my ignorance.)

I am a pretty good cook, at least that's what I have always been told.

(The phrases "Not this slob again!" and "I'll cap yo ass for this later!" in the jail caffeteria don't count as giving you credit for your cooking pal.)

Long drives, walks on a beach, 4-wheeling, rafting, picnics, Bingo, bike rides and much more.

(Bingo? BINGO?! What the hell could a guy do to get to jail when you play BINGO! Rob a packet of coffee from a granny?)

I am not a shy person and tend to be outgoing.

(Too easy. Not touching that one....not too outgoing now are ya? Ok just had to!)

I am down to earth

(Oh yeah, and in a small cell.)

, honest

(And in jail. Hmmm...i don't see the connection.)

, goal oriented

(Or should we say, bank oriented.)

, passionate, romantic, kind hearted,

(All the things a toughjaildude needs man!)

and I have a positive outlook on life.

(Yes. I bet you're eager to get that jello dessert next friday.)

I am in prison on a Robbery II, a 70 month sentence. I've been down since April 18, 2001.

(Damn man...you did steal that coffeepacket then?)

I am in the process of turning my life around with self betterment classes and education.

(Here's a self betterment class. For free. Don't do crimes!)

I am currently in the process of getting a Business Management an I am taking courses through the Federal Emergency Management Institute and I am doing research in all categories of Federal Grants, Business Grants, Education etc...

(So what you're saying is that you want to work at a bank when you get out of jail for robbery. Sure. Ok. I'll hire ya.)

I am putting this time to good use, so I will be ready to get my life back on track and be somebody.

(No no! You are somebody! You are "special". Honest. With that blue jumper the girls will luv ya to death!)

I hope to have found my soulmate before my release.

(Don't you mean cellmate?)

I know you are out there looking for me.

(Aww...he got out allready?)

Life is about going after what you want... whether it's goals, money, happiness, family or your soul mate.

(Or grannies packet of Java Mocha Extra Fresh Columbian Coffee.)

I know she is out there... perhaps it's you reading this right now?

(Oh yeah, she's sitting right here besides me, just wanting to write you so you two can hook up and spend the rest of your lives together in a tropical island....honest!)

Or maybe you need a special friend who will listen to what you have to say.

(I have something to say. Get a life! And not one that starts with "from 20 years to..")

If you take the time to write chances are that I am who you are looking for; but you will never know unless you try.

("..chances are..." Hmm, well that should scare the rest off.)

I have an open mind on where I want to live upon my release.

(Like mom's cellar, a garage, a trashbin. The possibilities are endless!)

The kind of woman I am looking for: A honest, down to earth, caring, goal oriented, outgoing, passionate, a woman that has a positive outlook on life.

(I'm sure there are a lot of women out there with those qualities who are just dying to meet a jailbird. Go for 'em Earnest! Go get 'em boy!)

I hope to find that special someone who will make my life complete.

(And also pay for bail whenever needed and every tuesday.)

I also welcome friendship since friendship is a treasured gift.

(Look, Earnest, even if there's the word "treasure" it doesn't mean it's something you can take to the pawnshop. Gees man!)

Your New Friend
Earnest

(Aww. Ain't that sweet. He calls them "new friends". Twat.)

Phew, what a little rascal that Earnest.

EDIT: Oh yeah, his great "goals":

To start a chain of expresso stands and a used car lot and to find my soulmate and be successful.

Muahaha. This is too much...i'm dying here.. honest...

 

[Jonaldo]

Seel tries yet again to break the all-time longest post ever in a forum!

 

[old.Tohtori]

*bows*

I can't help myself

 

[old.Dillinja]

Too much type so late at nyte. Dam I need sleep.

 

[Coim-]

Too much text etc.

 

[old.Xarr]

too much text. i read the beginning and saw where it was going :}

 

[Validus]

oh come on seel he ain't that bad. sounds like a good person really. not like he murdered someone, anyway. most women would prefer him over some gamer who plays mmorpg's 24/7 imo.



well that is unless hes a klepto. in that case he can just fuck off and be someones bitch

 

[old.job]

I've got an idea. why doesn't Mr Fuckwit spend some time after his release making amends with the people he robbed and scared the living shit out of with his gun.
Fuk me these people make me puke.

'robbery II with a gun'

He says it like it's a meal order in a restaraunt.

No mention of the victims, he just wants his soulmate.

 

[mirieth]

What a nice chap.

I'm sure he's made a real turnaround of his life, just make sure you don't use the 'good china' when he comes round for dinner. ^^

 

[Harhr]

Gimme a baseballbat and i will fucking mash his head and put it as a trophy at the store he robbed.

 

[Giljotine]

To loooooooong post so did not read all .. sry

 

[Ekydus]

Originally posted by old.Tohtori
I am currently in the process of getting a Business Management an I am taking courses through the Federal Emergency Management Institute and I am doing research in all categories of Federal Grants, Business Grants, Education etc...

This is actually a rather funny part.
Notice: "Federal Emergency Management Institute" this means that he's made a great effort in turning his life around.

 

[Sharma]

Originally posted by Omniscieous
Seel tries yet again to break the all-time longest post ever in a forum!

I think he did

 

[Harhr]

Reading more of those jailguy-seeking-company posts actually scares me... Like ye ofcourse i want to get married with a guy who has murdered someone!

So sick.. they shouldnt be allowed to do that..

 

[kr0n]

Seriously, I thought my computer usage was fucked up, but you Toto... You just have set the new standards for the expression "Nolife".

 

[old.Tohtori]

Originally posted by kr0n
Seriously, I thought my computer usage was fucked up, but you Toto... You just have set the new standards for the expression "Nolife".

Yeah, that took me...what? 5 minutes to write max

Atleast nobody can say it's a +1 post.

 

[Serbitar]

Originally posted by old.Tohtori
Atleast nobody can say it's a +1 post.

The original post was a +1 post...

There... I said (typed) it...

 

[old.Tohtori]

Originally posted by Serbitar
The original post was a +1 post...

There... I said (typed) it...

That's why i didn't add this to the last post:

EDIT: Oh and don't be a silly person and say "the post was +1"

Just because i wanted someone to say it I rule! Yei. Ahem. Yes.

 

[Harhr]

tohtori where do u wanna have our honeymoon? i hope not on teh icefloat.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Originally posted by Harhr
tohtori where do u wanna have our honeymoon? i hope not on teh icefloat.

Err...am i missing something here?

*checks teh icefloat supplies*

Food..check.

Ammo...check.

Guns...check.

Tactical warheads...check.

Life supply of beer...check.

Life supply of ice for beer...well duh..check.

Notice of even considering a marriage with Harhr...nope..ah well.

 

[Harhr]

dont lie. Also i love you and if you wont marry me i will commit suicide or hire Gunnerr to shoot you down!