Shamelessly stolen from the Steam forum...

[old.D0LLySh33p]

I'M GONNA BE RICH!! thank you VALVe !@!@!$"$!!
I own a slush puppy stand at a fairground, and being a big VALVe fan, I have decided to follow their customer care and userbase husbandry model, since it works so well.

my plans go something like this.

I'm gonna get two high school students in to work on an uber-flavoured slush puppy, they can experiment in their bedrooms with it for all I care, but it has to taste like a Japanese school girl when they are finished (I'll pay them off when they deliver it, maybe give them some sort of consultancy role in future packaging development or something, send them around other fairgrounds to publicise it, that kinda stuff).

I'm gonna give out this new flavoured slush puppy for free to anyone who wants it at my stand, it cost me nothing to develop, and hopefully people will keep buying my other flavours because of it. when people make comments on the taste, or how I can improve it, I'll take note and release a new version every so often. sure some people will have liked the old one, but that's progress.

at this point, since my Japanese schoolgirl flavoured slush puppy is as addictive as nicotine, there are gonna be hundreds of thousands of people flocking to my stand to get it, addicted to it. I'll let everyone know that I'm about to release a total redevelopment of the puppy, new cup, new improved taste, new shaped straw, new everything, and the general consensus is good, they are gonna pay for the new type puppy, everyone is happy.

part of the preparation for the new puppy means I have to make some last changes to the existing one, and I don't really tell the hundreds of thousands of people outside my stall about this, I just kinda whisper about it, let a few of them in to see the changes, show them some aspects of it, then remove these aspects anyway.

then one day I do the following, all in one fell swoop.

1) remove the sugar from the slush puppy so it taste like a fat assed American schoolgirl with acne
2) I give it out in a new cup, a slime green one with 544 holes spread across its surface
3) I tell them all that the old puppy will be available for about two weeks more, but they are realistically obliged to start drinking the new one if they wanna continue their addiction, and believe me they do.
4) make all 800 thousand of them sign their names to get a cup of it. after they sign and before they get any, I have to count to 600, if anyone else signs before I get to 600, I start again. While they are all signing, I don't tell them about this rule.

should any of my loyal customers dislike this (I don't care if they started drinking the slush puppy a day before, or drank it from when it first was released by my two high school kids), I am going to implement the following customer support arrangements.

1) I'm going to close the front of my stall and barricade it.
2) I'm going to leave a chalk board out the front for any irked customers to scrawl messages on, but which I will never read
3) I'm going to hire a mob of teenage eunuchs to hang around the chalk board and verbally insult anyone who writes a critical message. there will be an official list of insults for them to use like 'we're glad you don't drink it anymore, go and drink coke nubje', 'I lubs the new one, so stfu', 'your head is up your ass, asshead', etc.
4) I'm going to leave a little slot in the side of the stall for people to write messages and push them through, and I'm going to place my bin under the slot.

and the most important one:

5) I'm going to do nothing.

well I lie, in extreme cases I might make small changes, like take a little kink out of the straw.

Just to increase the minor inconvenience for my clients, just after the above, I'll delay release of the whole new redeveloped slush puppy that they all looked forward to.

now it's kinda hard to see from inside my barricaded stall, but I think I can make out a massed crowd outside with sour looks on their faces and spilled stinking slush puppy all down their clothes from the holes I left in the cups. there are even a few walking away. oh well.

who cares about them, the freeloaders! I'll continue making a livelihood from it after I release the new one, because with the new 'rent a cup' part of the plan, I'll be making money instead of giving out the puppy for free all the time. dunno about you, but I can't wait.

(posted by Dam0)

 

[throdgrain]

Quality . Absolutely spot on

 

[weapey]

I actually took the time out to read that, and if that was posted on the Steam forums, then its the best post that litters that pile of junk.


Everything hits home, and if there was one post Steam would read, I honestly hope its that one

The steam forums are heavily undermoderated.

 

[old.D0LLySh33p]

Sad thing is, if you read the comments posted after it...

Well...

eunuchs.

'nuff said

 

[stile62]

How f**kin dare they f**kup HL & CS which was perfectly ok, especially when we the customers have paid for the bloody games anyway.

As one of the many that can't get that Steam shit to work I personally think that everyone should Boycott VALVE AND SIERRA products, that would throw a nice big spanner up their corporate arses, then after they've wiped the tears from their eyes they might decide to do something about this mess.

 

[Ch3tan]

I'm sorry, but your in a minority now, Steam is obviously working for the majority as the servers are still full. Really, really sick of the same old lets boycott Valve, Valve suck etc, everytime a new version is released. If you don't like the changes stop playing. Simple as.

 

[stile62]

No it's not as simple as that! some people like me have paid good money for the retail version of CS and we expect to be able to play it.

How would you like it if someone told you that the petrol to your car was being changed and some cars might not be able too run on the new stuff (and it turns out that yours is one of them) i think you would kick up a bit of a fuss about that wouldn't yeh.

Now I know it's to quite the same thing but the principle is the same and it SUCKS, this Steam lark is not for the benefit of its customers it's a f**kin money making ploy to try and get some more bloody out of the stone.

Ps I dont think Valve sucks, they make good games actually, its their attitude lately that sucks.

 

[Ch3tan]

But Steam isnt that bad, it has problems, but so has every upgrade that Valve/CS team have done so far. Its only on a larger scale because this is moving away from WON and the traditonal upgrade path. Face it, Steam is integral to HL2 and Valve's gaming future. Either learn to live with it or stop playing those games until you can.

I know its not easy on 56k, but it is the way forward. All the feaures integrate well and work for the majority (yes that word again). Steam is for the benefit of Valve's customers as they see it, business's have to make money to, and this is the way they see that they can captilise the most.

Valve clearly have a good attitude, they support and communicate with the community, whcih is more than can be said for most. They could have dumped HL and lived offits profits long ago, but they continue to upgrade and support it and its mods. I think Valve have long ago paid off anything we gave for the games, more than anyone else would have. Think about it for a while.

 

[stile62]

I would live with it if I could get the bloody thing too work but I can't and neither can a lot of other people.

As regards their customer support I've emailed them twice atleast 10 days ago and have they replied, NO! they also don't have anything that even comes close to my problem on the Steam forum hence my emails to them.

And the reason why Valve have supported this game for so long is not them trying to be as nice to their customers as possible it's because for 2-3 years now the multiplayer part of of the game is the main reason why most people bought it, if they had of done nothing HL most people wouldn't of bought it (me included) and it would of been condemed to the dustbin of time long ago.

Now that HL2 and CS Condition Zero are out lets just see how fast they drop support for HL and all the mods associated with it that they have concerns in.

 

[Deadmanwalking]

You and every other person who can't figure out that the servers are full or whatever. You have yet to pay a penny for steam, so expecting customer support to be instant/quick when they have quite possibly the largest customer base for any game/entertain company around is a tad much.