eggy
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Messages
- 5,283
We have recently received a leaked document regarding Rotherham making a shock bid to host the year 2012 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venues for the games in 2012, the organisers of Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are detailed below.
- Opening Ceremony -A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of Rotherham, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.
- The Events -In previous Olympics Rotherham competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
- 100 Metres Sprint -Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
- 110 Metres Hurdles -As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
- Hammer -The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
- Weightlifting -From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these items must be taken through a shop door and placed in a mate's van.
- Fencing -Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewelry as possible within 5 minutes.
- Shooting -A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:
A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
Their next door neighbour.
The Local Vicar
NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of "He pulled a knife on me"
- Boxing -Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
- Cycling Time Trials -Competitors will be asked to break into Thomas Rotherham College bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home against the clock.
- Cycling Pursuit -As above however this time the break in must occur at Rotherham Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
- Time Trial -The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
- Modern Pentathlon -Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.
- The Marathon -A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog crap, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
- Men's 50km Walk -Q. Why does the River Don run through Rotherham A. Because if it walked it would get mugged.
Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
- Relay -Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Sheffield and get it back to Rotherham using at least four different stolen cars.
- Archery -Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
- Discus -Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.
In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
- Pillow Eating -The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
- Graffiti -To be decided on whom can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall in five minutes.
NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for spelling mistakes.
- Baseball -Each competitor will be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person-standing wins
- Opening Ceremony -A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of Rotherham, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.
- The Events -In previous Olympics Rotherham competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
- 100 Metres Sprint -Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
- 110 Metres Hurdles -As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
- Hammer -The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
- Weightlifting -From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these items must be taken through a shop door and placed in a mate's van.
- Fencing -Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewelry as possible within 5 minutes.
- Shooting -A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:
A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
Their next door neighbour.
The Local Vicar
NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of "He pulled a knife on me"
- Boxing -Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
- Cycling Time Trials -Competitors will be asked to break into Thomas Rotherham College bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home against the clock.
- Cycling Pursuit -As above however this time the break in must occur at Rotherham Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
- Time Trial -The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
- Modern Pentathlon -Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.
- The Marathon -A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog crap, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
- Men's 50km Walk -Q. Why does the River Don run through Rotherham A. Because if it walked it would get mugged.
Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
- Relay -Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Sheffield and get it back to Rotherham using at least four different stolen cars.
- Archery -Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
- Discus -Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.
In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
- Pillow Eating -The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
- Graffiti -To be decided on whom can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall in five minutes.
NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for spelling mistakes.
- Baseball -Each competitor will be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person-standing wins
