K
krait
Guest
Found this on the vn boards....enjoy.
Sometimes when you go linkdead during a keep take and you can't get back on, it's wise to check ownership of the keep before you do so. In my case, I logged back on to find Lord Erasleigh and a cadre of his friendly archers smiling at me. Being of the Midgard persuasion, those smiles were of the sort normally reserved for madmen, crocodiles, and corpses.
To my amazement, the lord did not attack me. He ordered his archers away and then approached me with a conspiratorial whisper. He wished to bargain with me. If he would let me return unscathed to Midgard, I would have to act as messenger on his behalf. He had written up a testimony of the realm guards from all three realms. He wanted me to deliver it to the forums so that Mythic may finally hear their claims and address their woes.
I was shocked beyond all words for I had previously thought these realm guards to be nothing more than mobs. Nevertheless, I quickly accepted and was allowed out of the keep and soon found my way back to the portal keep in Hadrian's Wall. As I ported, one of the viking archers winked at me and nodded his thanks.
To keep my end of the bargain, I present to you a series of comments made by realm guards, for realm guards.
"I am a portal keep guard and I have to say that we are woefully ineffective. We are among the most powerful guards around, yet all we do is play cards on the walls of the portal keep. Okay. Game Balance, blah blah, whatever. All I'm saying is that our only use seems to be to help members of the other realm commit suicide. You know I think? I think we should be exp mobs. Yes, I'd like that. Once players realise that getting killed by us means exp deaths and con loss, they should pay us the proper respect. Thank you." -- Portal Archer, Odin's Gate, Albion Portal Keep.
"I think we would be much happier on patrol if we could get group sizes larger than three. To be honest, we're scared and unless we're hanging around a relic keep, we're seriously outnumbered here. Do you see players zerging around with less than two FGs nowadays? No. That's right, yet when we try to invite a fourth member to our group, we can't. If we could just up our patrol group sizes, we'd feel more inclined to do more than a half-hearted chase that always ends up with us getting a free trip to the respawn point. And while you're at it, could you convince one of those Master Eldritches to get off their fat arses and walk the perimeter with us? Maybe with them around, we can finally get some kills for once, or at the very least, the players will want them dead first." -- Ranger, Dun Bolg.
"I signed up to be a realm guard and they came to me with this big smile on their faces about some top-level executive position. Sure, I get excited and I thought to myself, 'Great! Finally, I get to serve my realm.' Next thing I knew, I was forced to stand outside a keep and I got to haste buff people? WTF? Geezus, do you have any idea what it's like to be poked at by a dozen players at once? Hastener? C'mon, I may be an E1 loser, but I have feelings too. And now we have to play the drums as well? This patch stinks. I thought that being in Midgard meant at least we would be treated like skalds. Oh no, apparently not. No sympathy for the E1 guys, eh?" -- Hastener, Svasud Faste.
"What's with the half-assed job, Mythic? Look, you took away our LOS issues, and I still thank you every time I take out some punk caster from the top of the lord's tower, but please, finish the job and give us critical strike and stealth. Player archers get stealth and critical strike, so why can't we? I just want to be able to do the job I was made to do. You get a giggle every time I take out some poor retreating healer because of my range and the lack of LOS issues. Trust me, you'll get more laughs, once I can use critical strike and stealth." -- Ranger, Dun Crauchon.
"I am a troll. Why am I being handed a bow and quiver and told to stand on the roof of our border keep? Don't you know my dex and quickness suck? Troll archer, yeah right. Even the players are smart enough to know what gimps we are. If it weren't for the level modifier and the fact that you buffed us silly, we'd be the biggest realm point cows around, except silly me, I forgot we're not worth any realm points. Even the Masters of Runes laugh at us, and those kobolds at least get to be runies. One of these days, I might accidentally elbow one of those little ****s off the battlements. Back to my point - it is difficult to grip a bow when you have a slab of granite for your palm. Get with the program, Mythic!" -- Troll Archer, Vindsaul Faste.
"WTF? Realm guards now give out messages when killed? OMG, this is the end of realm guard buffing as we know it. Look, apart from a few noobie realm guards who think players love us when they buff us, the rest of us old realmies aren't fooled. Wake up and smell the pookha droppings, Mythic! Players only buff us so they'll know when the keep is being attacked, and they always use the crappiest buffs that they can spare. They don't give a rat's ass about us. It's bad enough knowing that my sole contribution to the war effort is that of a canary in a mine, but now we have to lose the only thing going for us? Thank you, Mythic. Thank you so much. I swear this game makes less and less sense, everyday." -- Viking Archer, Fensalir Faste.
"Make BAF fair, please. Look, we follow BAF and aggro rules, so why do we have to put up with this sort of s***? I mean, there's eight in my group, we aggro some player, guess what? Twenty of them BAF on us and we all die. Okay, we respawn and I disband. I aggro some player and I get twenty again! WTF is that? Do you even play the same game, Mythic?" -- Scout, Caer Renaris.
"Patch 1.53 is a slap in the face for us. Now, we drop cash. Great. OMFG, as if we didn't have enough problems! Now, we're gonna be farmed as well? You know, at least previously, players would avoid us because we were worth no exp and no rps. Well, I'm so f'ing glad to help fund some guild's crafting habit. Color me p***ed, Mythic. Please don't 'improve' us anymore." -- Knight Commander, Caer Hurbury.
"Please, please, please do something about guild emblems. Spawning in for keep duty is bad enough, but when you find yourself wearing vomit yellow with a cow's head in baby-poo brown, something's seriously wrong with the world. Being claimed by 'Fat Arsed Cow Humpers' is bad enough to make me want to paint a giant 'L' on my forehead and attach a note pleading, 'Kill me please!' on my back. If you're going to do nothing about it, Mythic, can we at least get the puke animation?" -- Guardian, Dun Bolg.
"Read my label. It says 'Realm Guard'. That means I don't help you with normal mobs. Understand? If only I had a copper for every time some twinked out punk runs to me with a couple of purples on his tail and then complains when I don't help. Listen palooka, we all have jurisdictions. If I help you and the regular guards hear about it, they're going to get upset. They call their people, their people call my people, and I get an earful. So, pretty please, with sugar on top, get a f***ing clue." -- Knight, Caer Sursbrook.
"I'm sick and tired of getting appealed for spawning late. Look, s*** happens. Just because I don't dance in time to your busy keep-taking schedule, don't mean I have to get hell from the CSRs. It's your fault that I even had to respawn in the first place. Do I complain when you little tards fail to defend the keep? No, I don't. Guard the keeps, noobs. It's not hard." -- Anonymous Supply Merchant, Bledmeer Faste.
Quite an eye opener, isn't it? It appears they have feelings too, and judging from the language used, they'll fit right in here.
Thank you.
