Little Boy
One of Freddy's beloved
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2006
- Messages
- 738
Maybe old but here goes:
GHOST POO:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but not in the toilet. Where is it?
TEFLON POO:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No Trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
GOO POO:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the bowl.
SECOND THOUGHTS POO:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise there's more to come.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you are all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS POO:
You poo so much that you lose several kilograms.
RIGHT NOW POO:
You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there and it usually gets it's head out before you can get your pants down.
KING KONG POO:
This one's so big you don't think it will go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coathanger usually does the job. This kind of poo usually happens in someone else's house.
CORK POO:
Also known as 'floaters'; even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
WET CHEEKS POO:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QEII soaking your starfish.
WISH POO:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.
CEMENT BLOCK POO:
You wish you had got an epidural injection before you pooed.
SNAKE POO:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 foot long.
THE MORNING AFTER POO:
Happens the morning after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS ONE ... usually you're at someone else's house (often a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside the
bathroom.
MEXICAN FOOD POO:
Also called 'screamers' or 'ring stingers'; you know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
TNT POO:
This one explodes and deposits poo all round the bowl. Works best if you have been eating either sweetcorn or peanuts as it produces a nice pebble dashed effect.
DRIVING SCHOOL EXAM
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by driving schools.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offence?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For £200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T
I need to whip it out by 5.
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
GHOST POO:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but not in the toilet. Where is it?
TEFLON POO:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No Trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
GOO POO:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the bowl.
SECOND THOUGHTS POO:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise there's more to come.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you are all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS POO:
You poo so much that you lose several kilograms.
RIGHT NOW POO:
You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there and it usually gets it's head out before you can get your pants down.
KING KONG POO:
This one's so big you don't think it will go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coathanger usually does the job. This kind of poo usually happens in someone else's house.
CORK POO:
Also known as 'floaters'; even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
WET CHEEKS POO:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QEII soaking your starfish.
WISH POO:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.
CEMENT BLOCK POO:
You wish you had got an epidural injection before you pooed.
SNAKE POO:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 foot long.
THE MORNING AFTER POO:
Happens the morning after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS ONE ... usually you're at someone else's house (often a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside the
bathroom.
MEXICAN FOOD POO:
Also called 'screamers' or 'ring stingers'; you know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
TNT POO:
This one explodes and deposits poo all round the bowl. Works best if you have been eating either sweetcorn or peanuts as it produces a nice pebble dashed effect.
DRIVING SCHOOL EXAM
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by driving schools.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offence?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For £200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T
I need to whip it out by 5.
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
