:p

[Tisme]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks . . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . . sort of right . . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me ! get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Check".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether . . . . .

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

 

[Raven]

/groans

 

[gunner440]

i tried to laugh but i couldnt

 

[Aussie]

it's back

 

[Coim]

That one really wasn't funny.

 

[Tisme]

it's back

it's ???

 

[Tisme]

That one really wasn't funny.

sorry Coim

 

[Adari]

i laughed

 

[k9awya]

tisme for fuck sake!

 

[Dillinja]

I liked it.

 

[Brynn]

I think its top drawer

 

[swords]

Middle Draw but it got a slight reaction

 

[Conchabar]

hmph it just didnt have the "it" in it

 

[Chilly]

il give it two out of i think

 

[Tisme]

tisme for fuck sake!

u spoke ?

i dont know wot ur problem is k9 and tbh i dont really give a rats arse

tho i do wish u would stop jumping on every thread i make with abuse

i havent made a complaint to mods about u yet,,but if u want me to complain just ask rather than pushing me into it (is a lot easier saves u all that typing)

 

[Daws]

It was a reasonable attempt at humour. However, not clever enough.

I prefer this one:

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off..
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. "

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?

--
Oh, and this one I laughed an iccle at, little disgusting though:

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

 

[Daws]

My apologies, couldn't resist with this one:

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

 

[Daws]

mmkay, last one, now I'm off to bed:

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

 

[HerculesPluto]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks . . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . . sort of right . . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me ! get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Check".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether . . . . .

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

HEHEHE /CHEER

 

[Fenderon]

It was a reasonable attempt at humour. However, not clever enough.

I prefer this one:
<insert fart-joke here>

Ah yes, thats much better..... :touch:

 

[gunner440]

rofl at the motorcycle one

 

[Garnet]

rofl at the motorcycle one

indeed

 

[Chilly]

mmkay, last one, now I'm off to bed:

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

in the fucking cat

 

[k9awya]

i havent made a complaint to mods about u yet,,but if u want me to complain just ask rather than pushing me into it (is a lot easier saves u all that typing)

funniest thing you have ever said

do as you wish, im not one that cares

 

[Tisme]

funniest thing you have ever said

do as you wish, im not one that cares

???

 

[Drummer]

Back from the dead eh Tis!

 

[Tisme]

Back from the dead eh Tis!

Dam right

 

[Drummer]

Dam right

Good, got a whole summer vacation in front of me so want you to amuse me

 

[vintervargen]

daws :worthy: givez m0re

 

[Daws]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

^^ that tickled me.
--

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

loler