Oro
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2004
- Messages
- 691
Some more twisted whimsy. It helps, though isn't essential, if you've read The Elf, The Troll And The Wardrobe first.
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Ham and his brother, Tight, sat at the bar in the Galplen inn and stared at their respective quarts. It would be fair to say that Galplen beer would eat through any container that tried to hold it for very long so patrons tended to either drink fast or have to pay for the bar to be revarnished. In Galplen, it was the tankards that couldn't hold their drink. The pair were well into their fifth round of drinks.
"So brother troll," said Tight, "you're takin' up the farmin'."
Ham sighed, "No brother troll, I said I got a geas."
Tight's brow furrowed, "S'wot I said. Geese farmin'."
"No," said Ham, "its a type of quest or sommat."
"Oooh quests," responded Tight, absently stroking the haft of the mattock resting beside him, "Tight likes a good adventure."
"All the adventures you been on brother troll I'm surprised you never got the coin to buy a drink."
Tight feigned looking hurt, "I just a bit strapped. Armour and weapon repairs cost your poor older brother most of his coin."
Tight paused a moment, "Uh, what were we talking about?"
"My geas" said Ham, fearing the inevitable.
"Ooh you're takin' up the farmin'?"
Many hours later the two trolls lurched out of the bar. Potentially a profitable evening - with many quarts of Midgard's most corrosive drink inside them the next day they'd be able to bottle the results and sell it as dye remover. If they were really lucky, they'd have something of more alchemical use.
"Good evening my good trolls!" ventured a kobold as he stepped out of the shadows. Unusually for a kobold stepping out of the shadows he wasn't at someone's throat with a knife. This immediately made Ham and Tight wary.
"Good sirs, may I interest you in a very special purchase?"
"Ungh fug orfff" answered Ham, trying to focus.
"You're going to try and sell us some magic beans aren't you?" mumbled Tight, more adept at market practices.
A brief expression of annoyance crossed the kobold's face but immediately he rallied, "Why no, of course not! I, the fearless Lurgio have returned from adventures in far off lands with many fine wares to amaze and astound."
Tight made a slight turn towards Ham, "Your turn brother troll."
"Nope," slurred Ham, "I ate last one. Gave me the runs. Go getem brother troll."
Ham growled, "You KNOW they give me indigestion. Can't we just raid bakery as usual?"
When the two trolls turned back to the kobold he seemed to have stepped back into the shadows. They turned to each other and laughed until they cried.
Still chuckling they began to make their way through Galplen.
"I've missed you brother troll." said Tight.
"Same, brother troll." said Ham.
"You lost weight, not been eating right?" slurred Tight.
"Mostly soup. Sometimes stew." answered Ham.
The next morning the two trolls wandered through Galplen with somewhat tender heads. After stopping by the dye merchant stall they continued to browse the market. Ham spent a lot of time looking at various cloths and rubbing his chin. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for.
"Aha! Good sirs!" said a kobold, appearing out of nowhere,"I have just the thing for two gentletrolls such as your good selves."
Tight groaned, "Its him again."
"Breakfast time" said Ham.
Tight hoisted the kobold up who immediately began to make strangled squeaking noises. A hand the size of bear paw with a vice-like grip on your throat tends to have that kind of effect.
"Ma Fisted make nice dins out of you little kobold."
The two trolls turned and began to make their way out of the market, with the feeble struggling kobold tucked under Tight's left arm.
"He's turnin' blue, brother troll." commented Ham.
"He's already blue, he's kobold." answered Tight.
"Well there's definately more blue than before." said Ham, "Hope it don't affect the taste."
"Hrm," pondered Tight, "I think thats just like when apples get more red, it means they more ripe. Think its same with kobolds."
"You a very clever troll, brother troll." admired Ham.
"Ta brother troll."
As they reached the edge of the market their philosophical debate was abruptly halted by a Norse guard in black chainmail armour who had spotted the struggling kobold.
"Hoi there," yelled the guard, "What are you doing with that kobold?"
"What kobold?" aked Tight, trying to look innocent.
"The one slowly going limp under your arm you big lummox." said the guard.
"Oh," said Tight, acting surprised, "THAT kobold. Oh its nothing. You don't want to be bothering with him."
"Yer," said Ham, "we just invited him home to dinner."
"Hmm" said the guard, "FOR dinner I suspect. Put him down."
"Awww." said Tight, sulkily, but he complied and let Lurgio drop to the ground. The kobold rolled over, gasping for breath. He scrambled to his feet and stood behind the guard.
The guard frowned, "You two know its the district judge for you."
"We didn't do nothin'!" exclaimed Tight.
"Unless you can come to some agreement with your little friend here." said the guard.
A crafty look appeared on the kobold's face, "Well if these two want to purchase my entire stock of magic beans I'll consider it no harm done."
Ham growled, "And why the hell would I want magic beans?"
The guard arched an eyebrow and Ham subsided.
"Five gold will be sufficient." said the Lurgio.
Tight looked at Lurgio in horror, "FIVE gold for sommat that may or may not make a beanstalk?"
Ham elbowed Tight to be silent and dug out the money. With a sullen look he handed over the coins and Lurgio gave him a small bag.
The guard nodded approval and bid them good day. Lurgio scampered off with the guard.
"I hate the magic bean con. Gah. I angry now," rumbled Tight, then added, "And still hungry."
Ham looked inside the bag. It was filled with beans and there was a little crumpled note. He opened the note and read.
'Binhazzar's Brilliant Beans of Binding! Eat one, and you'll go back to wherever the bag was bound in an instant!'
"Oooh" said Tight, "Tight bound soul to Galplen, me try one."
He immediately grabbed a bean out of the bag and threw it down his throat.
"WAIT BROTHER TROLL!" shouted Ham, but it was too late. Tight disappeared. With a forlorn look, Ham peered around but his brother was nowhere to be seen. To nobody in particular Ham said "It bean's place, not troll's place you go to."
Ham took a bean out of the bag and prayed he'd go to the same place that Tight did. Plucking up his courage he shoved it into his mouth.
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Ham and his brother, Tight, sat at the bar in the Galplen inn and stared at their respective quarts. It would be fair to say that Galplen beer would eat through any container that tried to hold it for very long so patrons tended to either drink fast or have to pay for the bar to be revarnished. In Galplen, it was the tankards that couldn't hold their drink. The pair were well into their fifth round of drinks.
"So brother troll," said Tight, "you're takin' up the farmin'."
Ham sighed, "No brother troll, I said I got a geas."
Tight's brow furrowed, "S'wot I said. Geese farmin'."
"No," said Ham, "its a type of quest or sommat."
"Oooh quests," responded Tight, absently stroking the haft of the mattock resting beside him, "Tight likes a good adventure."
"All the adventures you been on brother troll I'm surprised you never got the coin to buy a drink."
Tight feigned looking hurt, "I just a bit strapped. Armour and weapon repairs cost your poor older brother most of his coin."
Tight paused a moment, "Uh, what were we talking about?"
"My geas" said Ham, fearing the inevitable.
"Ooh you're takin' up the farmin'?"
Many hours later the two trolls lurched out of the bar. Potentially a profitable evening - with many quarts of Midgard's most corrosive drink inside them the next day they'd be able to bottle the results and sell it as dye remover. If they were really lucky, they'd have something of more alchemical use.
"Good evening my good trolls!" ventured a kobold as he stepped out of the shadows. Unusually for a kobold stepping out of the shadows he wasn't at someone's throat with a knife. This immediately made Ham and Tight wary.
"Good sirs, may I interest you in a very special purchase?"
"Ungh fug orfff" answered Ham, trying to focus.
"You're going to try and sell us some magic beans aren't you?" mumbled Tight, more adept at market practices.
A brief expression of annoyance crossed the kobold's face but immediately he rallied, "Why no, of course not! I, the fearless Lurgio have returned from adventures in far off lands with many fine wares to amaze and astound."
Tight made a slight turn towards Ham, "Your turn brother troll."
"Nope," slurred Ham, "I ate last one. Gave me the runs. Go getem brother troll."
Ham growled, "You KNOW they give me indigestion. Can't we just raid bakery as usual?"
When the two trolls turned back to the kobold he seemed to have stepped back into the shadows. They turned to each other and laughed until they cried.
Still chuckling they began to make their way through Galplen.
"I've missed you brother troll." said Tight.
"Same, brother troll." said Ham.
"You lost weight, not been eating right?" slurred Tight.
"Mostly soup. Sometimes stew." answered Ham.
The next morning the two trolls wandered through Galplen with somewhat tender heads. After stopping by the dye merchant stall they continued to browse the market. Ham spent a lot of time looking at various cloths and rubbing his chin. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for.
"Aha! Good sirs!" said a kobold, appearing out of nowhere,"I have just the thing for two gentletrolls such as your good selves."
Tight groaned, "Its him again."
"Breakfast time" said Ham.
Tight hoisted the kobold up who immediately began to make strangled squeaking noises. A hand the size of bear paw with a vice-like grip on your throat tends to have that kind of effect.
"Ma Fisted make nice dins out of you little kobold."
The two trolls turned and began to make their way out of the market, with the feeble struggling kobold tucked under Tight's left arm.
"He's turnin' blue, brother troll." commented Ham.
"He's already blue, he's kobold." answered Tight.
"Well there's definately more blue than before." said Ham, "Hope it don't affect the taste."
"Hrm," pondered Tight, "I think thats just like when apples get more red, it means they more ripe. Think its same with kobolds."
"You a very clever troll, brother troll." admired Ham.
"Ta brother troll."
As they reached the edge of the market their philosophical debate was abruptly halted by a Norse guard in black chainmail armour who had spotted the struggling kobold.
"Hoi there," yelled the guard, "What are you doing with that kobold?"
"What kobold?" aked Tight, trying to look innocent.
"The one slowly going limp under your arm you big lummox." said the guard.
"Oh," said Tight, acting surprised, "THAT kobold. Oh its nothing. You don't want to be bothering with him."
"Yer," said Ham, "we just invited him home to dinner."
"Hmm" said the guard, "FOR dinner I suspect. Put him down."
"Awww." said Tight, sulkily, but he complied and let Lurgio drop to the ground. The kobold rolled over, gasping for breath. He scrambled to his feet and stood behind the guard.
The guard frowned, "You two know its the district judge for you."
"We didn't do nothin'!" exclaimed Tight.
"Unless you can come to some agreement with your little friend here." said the guard.
A crafty look appeared on the kobold's face, "Well if these two want to purchase my entire stock of magic beans I'll consider it no harm done."
Ham growled, "And why the hell would I want magic beans?"
The guard arched an eyebrow and Ham subsided.
"Five gold will be sufficient." said the Lurgio.
Tight looked at Lurgio in horror, "FIVE gold for sommat that may or may not make a beanstalk?"
Ham elbowed Tight to be silent and dug out the money. With a sullen look he handed over the coins and Lurgio gave him a small bag.
The guard nodded approval and bid them good day. Lurgio scampered off with the guard.
"I hate the magic bean con. Gah. I angry now," rumbled Tight, then added, "And still hungry."
Ham looked inside the bag. It was filled with beans and there was a little crumpled note. He opened the note and read.
'Binhazzar's Brilliant Beans of Binding! Eat one, and you'll go back to wherever the bag was bound in an instant!'
"Oooh" said Tight, "Tight bound soul to Galplen, me try one."
He immediately grabbed a bean out of the bag and threw it down his throat.
"WAIT BROTHER TROLL!" shouted Ham, but it was too late. Tight disappeared. With a forlorn look, Ham peered around but his brother was nowhere to be seen. To nobody in particular Ham said "It bean's place, not troll's place you go to."
Ham took a bean out of the bag and prayed he'd go to the same place that Tight did. Plucking up his courage he shoved it into his mouth.