Nessie's Single Jokes Thread!!!

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through ther countryside when the train went through a tunnel. It was an old style train, there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark. There was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman was holding his hand against a large red mark on his face.

The Englishman thought: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer thought: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman thought: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bast**d again.

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

This one is a bit silly.....

Sandy the Scotsman was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. When he tried to stand up again he fell flat on his face for a second time. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see if that would sober him up. Once outside however, he stood up and fell flat onto his face again so he decided to crawl all the
way home.

When he got to the door, he tried to stand up, but fell flat on his face again. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed, passing out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning as his wife was shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called. Ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

 

[old.Mayhem]

LOL

Nice one Nessie, keep em coming

Mayhem - Le L337 LPB H03

 

[old.[SCW]LaMagra]

lol, aye it was a bit silly

single jokes thread....

/me hands nessie a treat for doing good

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Swimming Pool?

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.

The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out" POOF and it's done.
The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out". "OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

 

[old.+SA+Eliminator]

Rofl, Nessie take a bow

 

[old.[SCW]LaMagra]

/me grumbles at the anti-english joke

grumble

surely your repotoire contains something other than english bashing jokes?

 

[old.[SCW]Bimbo]

Right! Whos been fiddling with my name!? I mean it, come clean!!

Nice jokes Nessie, keep em coming

/me pimpslaps Nessie 'Now get back on the street!!'

 

[old.[SCW]Moon]

Unfortunately Gimbo snuffed it so we replaced him with Bimbo

Gimbo is now in heaven and he sent me a telepathic message, a story of his experience....

When he got to heaven He met god who showed him around, whilst walking about Gimbo noticed lots of clocks on the walls with names on, he asked God "what are all these clocks with names on?" "these are people's life spans" God replied .

Any way on they went with the tour then Gimbo noticed every so often a clock would spin forward an hour or 2, so Gimbo asked "Why is it the odd clock jump's forward an hour or 2 every so often?" God replied "Ah thats a little bit special that you see is every time the person masterbates they loose a little bit of their life", shocked at this Gimbo continued to have a look around suddenly he saw one of his friends clocks, excited by this he went in search of all the others, took him a while but eventually he found them all but 1, a bit curious he went and asked God "I've noticed all my freinds clocks here but 1, my freind Nessie" "Ah" God replied "thats in the kitchen because we use it as a fan"

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

oi! This is my jokes thread, requested by yourself and that nasty man Viruz. Get your own and stop clogging it up with crap jokes!!!!

/me slap [SCW]Moon for trying to get glory by using the Nessie thread.

 

[vuz]

rofl

soz, I found moon's joke v funny

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Yeah u would.

 

[old.[SCW]Moon]

I'l scratch your eye's out you slappa

 

[old.[SCW]LaMagra]

[edit]bah moon for posting so quickly, looks like i approve his actions now...shambles [/edit]

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Plz stop the spammage as this is my jokes thread ffs........

Or I will be tempted to start another........

 

[old.[SCW]LaMagra]

aw man we wouldn't want that, so whatever you do don't spam the poor mans thread, its all he has

 

[Rumble]

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run! Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "RRRUN!, YE BASTARD, RRRUN!!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish man, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls." The Scottish man then stood up and screamed, "Walk wi' pride, man... walk wi' pride!"

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

heh.........I'll let that one in on my thread........

 

[old.[SCW]Moon]

It's every ones thread u gimp

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Sven Goran Erikson and Craig Brown were travelling to a FIFA meeting in Switzerland when the plane crashes in to a mountain. They were sitting next to each other on the plane so they turn up at the Pearly Gates together, only to be met by God himself. Both are over awed to be met personally, but God explains it is because of their dedication to sport that he has decided to reward them.

He leads them on and they eventually stroll through a forest where they come on picturesque thatched cottage with a stream running nearby, a beautiful English garden with a profusion of flowers, a wonderful display of garden gnomes and birds chirping Swing Low Sweet Chariot. There is a gorgeous blonde at the door waiting on them. God turns to Sven and says " We have added a sauna and some Swedish touches including your personnel masseuse, to this wonderful English setting and you will live here in harmony and peace for eternity, never wanting for anything. Sven is gobsmacked and cannot thank God enough for his bounteous gifts.

God the turns to Craig and says "Come with me and I will show your reward for all your dedication to Scottish football". He also asks Sven to accompany them so they get to know each other. They walk down the path a bit and come upon an entrance with magnificent Lion Rampants on the wrought iron gates which open as they approach. There are manicured lawns as far as the eye can see with massed pipe bands playing "Flower of Scotland" and the stream running through the grounds is actually flowing whisky. As they approach an enormous mansion they see that the pillars are in fact 50 foot statues of famous Scottish players, there is Billy Bremner, Denis Law, Paddy Crerand and Jim Baxter. To round it all off the clouds in the deep blue sky above the mansion form a Saltire.

Craig Brown is speechless and Sven has very troubled look on his face. As Craig stands mesmerized, Sven pulls God aside and says, " Look I have achieved so much more than Craig and he gets something that pales my reward into insignificance".

God turns with an amused look on his face and says " There, there Sven dinnae worry, I wiz jist showin you my place, Craig's is further down
the road.

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off.

He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really, hmm, didna ken that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The
second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the
shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Oh, jings, I didna ken that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...

"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

 

[old.<|SeeD|>Squall]

hehe !

/me jumps up and down, laughing hysterically

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman hold a party.
The Englishman brings six kegs of ale.
The Irishman brings six crates of Guinness.
The Scotsman brings six friends!

 

[old.+SA+Eliminator]

I'm trying really hard to guess the pattern in these jokes, some sort of bias?......nope, cant see it

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

A joke of a different nature.......

The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist, and this is one of these occasions. Just as he reaches the Papal climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church." "This picture is my lottery win" says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replies the Pope. "TWO MILLION QUID!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair
brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left
leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash
vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They're both fucked when they're on their back.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the
computer?
A: There's typpex on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using
the computer?
A: There's writing on the typpex.

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She couldn't get used to the front seat!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain
transplant?
A: She sneezes.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a
corner?
A: Nothing, you see if you've got 3 condoms.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing
it?
A: A thought.

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not to talk when thier
mouth is full.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her
intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: 2, 1 to stand in the bathtub, and other to pass her
the blow dryer!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer
once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel
5.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I
dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever
been picked up by the fuzz?
A: No, but I've been swung around by the boobs

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill

Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and
your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: Gee, I think I'm drunk

Q: What do a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
A: You can pick them up, throw them in the gutter and
they still come back to you

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that, what was she doing out of the
bedroom?

Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A: Interpreter

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your
toothbrush

Q: How does a blonde lose five pounds?
A: She takes off her make-up

Q: Why did it take the blonde three tries to get
pregnant?
A: She blew the first two

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't get their head in the jar

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room

Q: What does a blonde call safe sex?
A: A padded dashboard

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because dogs can't bring beer from the fridge

Q: Why did the blonde have sore navel?
A: Her boyfriend was a dumb blonde too

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the
morning?
A1: Introduces herself
A2: Walks home

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: So, are you guys all on the same team?

Q:Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs into the
toilet?
A:To feed the toilet duck

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the
pool?
A: Air bubbles

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering
wheel?
A: An Air Bag

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q:What do you call 10 blondes standing in a row?
A:A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's
head?
A: A Space Invader

Q: What's a blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump

Q: What does Bones McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier

 

[echo]

What's black, nasty and slides down Nelson's Column?









Winnie Mandela.






sorry, thats a bit dodgy







PS. sorry for posting on your thread nessie

 

[old.[SCW]Nessie]

erm.............heh.........heard that b4....but I like it.

But do u have to have so many character returns?