Mechanics Vs Pilots

[Garok]

Sent to me via email.. made me chuckle

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[Ezteq]

excellant, really gave me a giggle

 

[Tilda]

hahaha repped, classics

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

ROFL .. that is always my fav =).


If only i was able to tell some of the dum-dums erm , i mean customers that ring in here the same Honest answers the job would be so much more Fun.

 

[Bahumat]

haha brilliant

 

[evzy]

Being doing the rounds that for ages, but still makes me chuckle!!!

 

[evzy]

Here are some alleged actual transmissions between flight staff and towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[eggy]

Fucking brilliant!

Made me splurt coffee all over my screen.

By the way, I'd pretty much call this an accident!!

 

[Tilda]

yeah I read all the 2nd lot of quotes off a site somewhere, comedy gold
eggy, your pic dosnt work :<

 

[evzy]

Ah found it...this one if true is my all time fave

The following is the transcription of the actual radio conversation between
the Americans and the Canadians.


Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

American: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadian: Negative - you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

American: This is the Captain of an American Navy Ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Canadian: Negative - you will have to divert your course.


American: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE AMERICAN ATLANTIC FLEET - THE MOST POWERFUL NAVY IN THE WORLD. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, AND THREE CRUISERS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.







Canadian: We are a lighthouse ........ your call.



I just pray that one is true!

 

[eggy]

yeah I read all the 2nd lot of quotes off a site somewhere, comedy gold
eggy, your pic dosnt work :<

Huh, works for me, I can see it in the post.

 

[Tilda]

Huh, works for me, I can see it in the post.

It dosn't really look like what I presume you meant to post?

 

[Amanita]

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

My favourite!

 

[Chronictank]

Ah found it...this one if true is my all time fave

The following is the transcription of the actual radio conversation between
the Americans and the Canadians.


Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

American: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadian: Negative - you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

American: This is the Captain of an American Navy Ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Canadian: Negative - you will have to divert your course.


American: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE AMERICAN ATLANTIC FLEET - THE MOST POWERFUL NAVY IN THE WORLD. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, AND THREE CRUISERS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.







Canadian: We are a lighthouse ........ your call.



I just pray that one is true!

lol brilliant

 

[Bahumat]

its www.boreme.com i think but i cant get there from work.

 

[eggy]

Fuck! How weird. Well it should be this Tilda:

http://www.airdisaster.com/photos/qf1/photo.shtml

 

[Tilda]

Its still odd, perhaps i need to copy-paste

This cracked me up in a sick way

The aircraft [9Q-CWC], on a flight from Kisangani, landed hard on the dirt runway at Aru, causing the main landing gear to collapse and penetrate the fuselage. During the subsequent evacuation, two passengers were killed as they exited the airplane and ran into the engine propellers, which were still running.