Loud sex

[Tisme]

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said....

"I've got a big problem,doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

 

[Marc]

lolol

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."

"Don't argue, open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun.

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says.

She takes the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.

"There", he says, "that wasn't too difficult was it?!?!

 

[Righthandof]

this topic is gonna be soo closed ;p

but these were dam funny

 

[Raven]

garry glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch so the kids can still play with him.

 

[Himse]

garry glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch so the kids can still play with him.

HAHAHAHAHAHA omg that made my day :d

 

[Righthandof]

whats an "etch-a-sketch" ?

 

[Ormorof]

whats an "etch-a-sketch" ?

 

[DavidH]

Its the board thing with sand inside, and you use those two "buttons" to draw lines to make pictures.

 

[Rhori]

Its the board thing with sand inside, and you use those two "buttons" to draw lines to make pictures.

you mean this?

 

[Righthandof]

ah, thanks )

 

[Thadius]

garry glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch so the kids can still play with him.

:worthy:

 

[Ame]

garry glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch so the kids can still play with him.

I thought that was funny until I found out Gary Glitter was a real person

 

[Job]

My mates mum made all his outfits, she's still got loads in her loft, tried them on a few years back, giant chrome cloaks with 4ft wide shoulders and boxes full of silver coloured stack shoes, they would have been worth a fortune, but not now I guess.

In case you think I'm b-shitting, it's true, she has a workshop in Liverpool and she made outfits for lots of TV personalities, mainly in the 70-80's, like all the weird clothes for Tiswas.

 

[cHodAX]

garry glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch so the kids can still play with him.

ROFL

 

[Afran]

garry glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put in an etch-a-sketch so the kids can still play with him.

rofl

 

[Kami]

Woman goes to the doctors complaining that her husband is constantly ravaging her sexually. The doctors looks her up and down and says it must be a physical need he has but he'd like to give her a check up anyway.

Asking if she'd remove her blouse she replies that she's too embarrased and so he turns the light off.

"where should I put my blouse?" she asks

"oh on the chair next to my trousers and pants will be fine." replies the doctor.

 

[Anny]

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories

ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories

PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories

GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories

 

[Hansmoleman]

michael jackson emailed garry glitter and asked 'got 2 5's for a 10'

 

[Marc]

Why was gary glitter refused the england managers job?

Because he wanted to put seaman in the under 16's

 

[Ezteq]

ffs rofl they all creep out the woodwork dont they

btw anny have a rep i burnt 257,821 calories reading that, i now weigh eight gramms.

oh and what do you mean whats an etch a sketch?? what the hell do you think the thing your sat in front of ids *picks up monitor and shakes it*.... is?

 

[Ame]

ffs rofl they all creep out the woodwork dont they

btw anny have a rep i burnt 257,821 calories reading that, i now weigh eight gramms.

oh and what do you mean whats an etch a sketch?? what the hell do you think the thing your sat in front of ids *picks up monitor and shakes it*.... is?

You mean you weigh 60kg now?

 

[Ezteq]

You mean you weigh 60kg now?

ofgs smartarse!



and a

:touch: for good measure!

 

[Ame]

ofgs smartarse!



and a

:touch: for good measure!

I'm sorry. I think you are adorable. Especially in that video.

Anyone have a link for good time sakes?

 

[Morphius]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Ezteq again.

 

[Thadius]

I'm sorry. I think you are adorable. Especially in that video.

Anyone have a link for good time sakes?

Givf video!

Why was gary glitter refused the england managers job?

Because he wanted to put seaman in the under 16's

Classic :worthy:

 

[Ezteq]

rofl aww ty, btw tris made a post with a link to "that" video.... shortly after he took a screenie of me with my facepack on then posted it >.<