M
minstrel_kyra
Guest
I need a good laugh, how about you?
So here's something to brighten your day:
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."
They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!"
She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other.
Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone.
He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me."
The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there."
She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants."
The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?"
One day, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happens upon a frog as she's walking along the shores of a quiet pond.
The frog hops into the Princess' lap and says, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am...and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the Princess is dining sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckles to herself, "I don't fucking think so."
What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
So here's something to brighten your day:
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."
They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!"
She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other.
Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone.
He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me."
The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there."
She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants."
The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?"
One day, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happens upon a frog as she's walking along the shores of a quiet pond.
The frog hops into the Princess' lap and says, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am...and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the Princess is dining sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckles to herself, "I don't fucking think so."
What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
Fine, some were funny.