Caught short
A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be in big trouble as she's not allowed to bring boys home.
They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and says, 'Where's the toilet, I need to go.'
She says, 'It's next to my parents' bedroom. You can't go there, you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead.'
He goes into the kitchen then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says to his girlfriend, 'Have you got any paper?'
Chinese takeaway
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive-looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee.' They get to her flat, and she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
'I am your sex slave!' she says. 'I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want.' The man can't believe his luck. 'Hmm,' he says, grinning from ear-to-ear.
'I really fancy a 69.'
'Fuck off!' replies the girl. 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'
At least someone's happy
A doctor walks into his office, where a patient is anxiously awaiting results from a blood test. 'Mr Stirling. I'm not going to mess you around,' the medic announces. 'There's good news and bad news. Which do you want?'
'Give me the bad stuff,' replies the man.
Calmly, the doc says, 'You've got 48 hours to live.'
His patient howls, claws his hair and moans, 'Oh my God, what am i going to do? Surely there must be a cure!'
'Ic course not,' says the doctor, gruffly.
'But I though you said there was some good news,' sobs the man.
'Oh yes, that's right - there is,' replies the quack, cheerfully. 'Remember the beautiful nurse at the reception when you came in?'
'Yes,' replies the puzzled patient.
'The blonde with the tight, white uniform?'
'Yeah!' With the big tits!' says the patient, brightening up somewhat.
'Well,' says the doctor, leaning over to whisper. 'I'm shagging her.'
Countdown
After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' says the physician. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.'
'Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?'
'Ten,' the doctor replies, shaking his head.
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?'
The doctor looks at him sadly, 'Nine ...'
Know your own strength
Sven Goran Eriksson arrives for his first training session as England manager, and wanders into the changing room - only to spot a massive, steaming turd nestling in the middle of the shower room. Fuming, he returns to his players in the main changing area.
'Who's shit on the floor?' he screams.
'Me, boss,' cries Emil Heskey, 'but I'm not bad in the air.'
Justice, South African style
Three men in a prison in South Africa; two white, one black. The first white guy says, 'I'm in for six years for robbery. The judge said I was lucky. If it had been armed robbery, I would have got ten.'
The second white man says, 'I'm in for 15 years for manslaughter. The judge said I was lucky. If it had been first degree murder, I would have got more than 20.'
The black man says, 'I got 20 years for riding without my bicycle lights on. The judge says I was lucky. If it had been dark at the time, he would have given me life.'
Good dog!
There were three rottweilers in the waiting room at the vet's surgery, and after a while they got talking.
'I was out walking with my master,' says the first one, 'when a thug attacked him, so I chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm here to be put down.'
'I was in the house,' began the second dog, 'when a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So I pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I'm here to be put down.'
The third rottweiler then started his story. 'I was patrolling the house one evening, and I wandered into the bathroom to see my master's wife naked, bending over the tub, so I leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind.'
'What, and you're being put down for that?'
Oh, no. I'm just here to get my claws clipped.'
Be gentle with me
A bloke walks into the doctor's surgery looking very sheepish. The doctor asks him what the problem is and he explains that it's a rather delicate matter to do with his back passage, which he finds a bit difficult to talk about.
The doctor says, 'Look, I've been in this profession for 26 years and there isn't much I havn't seen. I understand you're embarrassed about it, but it would save us both a lot of time if you just told me.'
'I think I'd find it a lot easier if I just showed you,' the man replied. The doctor agrees, so the man drops his trousers and bends over. The sight of the guy's arsehole renders the doctor speechless; it has been torn to the size of a football and is badly bruised.
'Jesus Christ!' said the doctor, 'What the hell happened to you?'
'Well,' the bloke says, 'I was on a Safari in Kenya and I got raped by a bull elephant.'
The doctor considers this for a second and says, 'Well, with my rather limited knowledge of veterinary science, I thought elepehants' penises were very long and very thin.'
'That's right, doctor,' the guy agrees, 'but he fingered me first.'
Hard decision
A man goes to his doctor and admits that he has a sexual problem.
'I just can't get it up for my wife any more,' he says.
'Don't worry, Mr Williams,' says the doctor.
'Bring your wife in and I'll see what I can do.'
The couple come in the next day and the doctor asks the wife to remove her clothes. Then he asks her to turn around and jump up and down. He turns to the man.
'You're fine,' he says. 'She didn't give me an erection either.'
More camels ...
The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert, and asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, 'You'll see.'
The young man was puzzled. 'Well you've got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman.'
'You'll see,' the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, 300 camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men went wild: sprinting into the enclosure and screwing the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.
'I see what you mean, but I don't understand,' he said. 'There must be over 300 camels and only a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?'
'What?' exclaimed the corporal, startled. 'And get stuck with an ugly one?'
Genuine excuse
Pete rings his boss at work and says, 'Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today, I'm sick.'
'Sick!' screams his boss. 'Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Pete. Exactly how sick are you?'
'Well,' replies Pete. 'I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister.'
He's been stung before
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.
'What's that?' he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'
'Tarzan, you have it all wrong,' she says horrified. 'but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
'Here,' she said, 'You must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'
'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.
The well-hung fly
While out shopping one day, a woman spots her husband cheating with another woman in a restaurant. Waiting until he returns home, the wife pretends everything is normal - cooking his dinner, ironing his shirts and waiting for him to go up to bed. As soon as he is asleep, she stalks into the bedroom, pulls off the covers and cuts off his penis with a bread knife. As the husband wakes up, screaming, the wife panics and runs downstairs, still clutching the severed member in her bloody hand. 'Suddenly realizing the consequences of her actions, she leaps into the family saloon and speeds off into the night.
It's not long before she skids over the roundabout and onto the nearby motorway, Accelerating up to 90 mph, she soon attracts the attention of a police car and decides she has to get rid of the evidence. Opening the sunroof, she throws the flaccid organ out - only to see it bounce of the cop car windscreen. 'I think this woman must be a nutter,' says the police sergeant, hot in pursuit. 'I don't know about that,' says second officer, 'But did you see the size of the cock on that fly?'
Eighteen hours to live
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband she has only 18 hours to live.
'That's terrible!' cries her husband, 'What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.'
'Well,' she sai, 'First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favourite restaurant. But ultimately, I want to go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long.'
'Gee, honey,' says her husband, shaking his head 'I don't know about that ''all night long'' stuff. After all, I've got to get up in the morning.'
Hide and seek
It's been a particularly good day for a travelling salesman and he needs just one more sale to get his commission. He knocks at the door of the Smith family home. A small boy comes to the door, steps out onto the doorstep and whispers: 'What do you want?'
The salesman looks at the boy. 'Hello,' he says, 'Is your mummy home?'
'Yes,' the boy says, 'but she's very busy.'
'Okay,' says the salesman. 'What about your daddy. Can I have a quick word with him?'
'Nope,' whispers the boy. 'He's busy, too.'
The salesman pauses, but is desperate for his commission.
'What about your brothers and sisters? Do you have any?'
'Yes,' the little boy whispers, 'but they're all very busy as well.'
'Grandparents?' the salesman asks.
'Nope,' the boy says. 'They're tied up as well.'
'Are there any other adults in the house?' the salesman asks, exasperated.
'Yes,' the boy says. 'There two firemen and a policeman here at the moment.'
'You mean your entire family, two firemen and a policeman are all in the house, but they're too busy to see me. What are they doing?'
'Looking for me,' the little boy whispers.
Also these just incase you missed them on MIDGARD forum...
The Ordeal of Fruit
Two men shipwrecked on an island are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the 'Ordeal of Fruit'. The men accept at once, and the chief sends them into the jungle to collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him.
The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The chief says that if he can shove all the grapes up his arse without giggling then he will be free. But no sooner has the first grape reached his butt then the man bursts out laughing. 'What's so funny?' the chief asks. 'Don't you realize we're going to kill you now?'
'I'm sorry'. the sailor replies. 'It's just that my friend is collecting pineapples.'
The accommodating wife
A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and then sen him drinking with his pals down the pub. When he returns she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.
The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her husband returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a handstand against the bathroom mirror and open her legs. This excites the woman immensely, as her husband has never been this erotic before. She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, 'No, no ... Maybe the lads are right. A beard wouldn't suit me'.
Is that a frog in your pocket ...?
A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowher. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
'Cute'. says the woman. 'Is that a pet?'
The man smiled. 'Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too'.
'Like what?'
'He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you ...'
Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs.
The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, 'Well?'
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog, and says. 'Okay, you idiot, I'm ony going to show you one more time'.
Size does matter
Three men are marooned on a desert island desperately seeking a way to get off. A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises put together is as big as mine, then I'll show you a way to get off the island', he says. 'But otherwise you'll be killed and eaten'.
The native's love muscle was a staggering 20 inches. The first man got his out, and it was 10 inches. The second man produced a 9-inch knob. Realizing they only needed 1 inch to go, the first two men were quietly confident. The third got his penis out, and it was only 1 inch long.
After some tense calculations, the native says, 'Okay, you've equalled the length of my penis. I have a boat which you can use to escape'.
While sailing away on the boat, the first man says to the other two, 'You're lucky I've got a 10-inch penis'.
And the second says, 'You're lucky I've got a 9-inch penis'.
To which the third man replies, 'And you're lucky I had an erection'.
Anul intruder
One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his doctor to see what can be done about it. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours.
'Right', says the doctor, 'bend over and i'll do the first one for you'. The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home six hours later the man realizes that he can't stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. AFter explaining to her what to do the man bends over.
His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream.
'My God!' she cries. 'What's the matter? Have I hurt you?'
'No,' replies the man. 'But I've just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders'.
Drop 'em!
With his elderly wife, Bill the pensioner goes to the doctor for his annual physical. AFter testing him with the stethoscope, the physician turns to him. 'Well, Bill', he says. 'You seem fine but I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample'.
Hard of hearing, Bill turns look at his wife. 'What did he say?' he yells.
His wife bellows back: 'He said he needs your underwear'.
Natural reaction
On walking into his local, Dave sees his mate Jeff looking depressed at the bar, and asks him what's wrong.
'Well', replies Jeff, 'You know that gorgeous girl at work? The one who gives me an erection every time I saw her?'
'Yes', replies Dave with a smile.
'Well', says Jeff, straightening up, 'I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed'.
'That's great!' says Dave, 'when are you going out?'
'I went to meet her this evening', continues Jeff, 'I was worried about getting a hard-on so i taped my todger to my leg, so it wouldn't show. But when i got to her house she was wearing the sheerest tiniest dress you ever saw'.
'And what happended then?' asked Dave.
Jeff huddles over the bar again. 'I kicked her in the face'.
All fingers and thumbs
While cutting wood in his workshop, Jim the carpenter slips and manages to slice all his fingers off on his powerful electric saw. He screams and runs out of the workshop, sprinting in considerable pain to the nearest hospital. After he has been waiting half an hour, a nurse emerges.
'I'm sorry, sir', she says, 'but without your fingers, we can't do anything except stop the bleeding. Go back and get your fingers, so we can sew them back on'.
Nodding forlornly, Jim wanders out of casualty, An hour later, he returns.
'Did you recover your fingers, sir?' asks the nurse.
'No', he replied. 'I couldn't pick them up off the floor'.
The tell-tale fingers
'I'm baffled by your yellow penis', the doctor told his patient. 'Does anyone else in your family have this condition?'
The concerned fellow shook his head.
'Do you handle any chemicals at work?'
'I don't work. I'm unemployed'.
'Well, what do you do all day?'
'Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating Quavors'.
Ask a stupid question ...
At 7am, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen - drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.
'I assume', she snarls, 'that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?'
'There is', he replies. 'Breakfast'.
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
Moo!
Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
'What do you make of this mad cow disease?
The other one says, 'Doesn't affect me, mate'.
'Oh, yeah? Why's that?'
'I'm a helicopter'.
A disappointed father
Tommy ran home from school, as he couldn't wait to break his good news, Mum, Mum!' he yelled. 'I had sex with my geography teacher today! Dad, Dad! Guess what, I had sex with my geography teacher'
'I'm proud of you, son', the father replied, to the mother's dsibelief.
'I think now you're old enough to ride your brother's bike'.
Tommy's face dropped in disappointment.
'I can't, My arse hurts'.
Divine wisdom
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
To give him a chance to speak.
Ucallme Wotulike 50 warrior RR 4 5
Amphrax Venom 50 shadowblade RR 4 4
A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be in big trouble as she's not allowed to bring boys home.
They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and says, 'Where's the toilet, I need to go.'
She says, 'It's next to my parents' bedroom. You can't go there, you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead.'
He goes into the kitchen then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says to his girlfriend, 'Have you got any paper?'
Chinese takeaway
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive-looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee.' They get to her flat, and she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
'I am your sex slave!' she says. 'I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want.' The man can't believe his luck. 'Hmm,' he says, grinning from ear-to-ear.
'I really fancy a 69.'
'Fuck off!' replies the girl. 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'
At least someone's happy
A doctor walks into his office, where a patient is anxiously awaiting results from a blood test. 'Mr Stirling. I'm not going to mess you around,' the medic announces. 'There's good news and bad news. Which do you want?'
'Give me the bad stuff,' replies the man.
Calmly, the doc says, 'You've got 48 hours to live.'
His patient howls, claws his hair and moans, 'Oh my God, what am i going to do? Surely there must be a cure!'
'Ic course not,' says the doctor, gruffly.
'But I though you said there was some good news,' sobs the man.
'Oh yes, that's right - there is,' replies the quack, cheerfully. 'Remember the beautiful nurse at the reception when you came in?'
'Yes,' replies the puzzled patient.
'The blonde with the tight, white uniform?'
'Yeah!' With the big tits!' says the patient, brightening up somewhat.
'Well,' says the doctor, leaning over to whisper. 'I'm shagging her.'
Countdown
After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' says the physician. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.'
'Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?'
'Ten,' the doctor replies, shaking his head.
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?'
The doctor looks at him sadly, 'Nine ...'
Know your own strength
Sven Goran Eriksson arrives for his first training session as England manager, and wanders into the changing room - only to spot a massive, steaming turd nestling in the middle of the shower room. Fuming, he returns to his players in the main changing area.
'Who's shit on the floor?' he screams.
'Me, boss,' cries Emil Heskey, 'but I'm not bad in the air.'
Justice, South African style
Three men in a prison in South Africa; two white, one black. The first white guy says, 'I'm in for six years for robbery. The judge said I was lucky. If it had been armed robbery, I would have got ten.'
The second white man says, 'I'm in for 15 years for manslaughter. The judge said I was lucky. If it had been first degree murder, I would have got more than 20.'
The black man says, 'I got 20 years for riding without my bicycle lights on. The judge says I was lucky. If it had been dark at the time, he would have given me life.'
Good dog!
There were three rottweilers in the waiting room at the vet's surgery, and after a while they got talking.
'I was out walking with my master,' says the first one, 'when a thug attacked him, so I chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm here to be put down.'
'I was in the house,' began the second dog, 'when a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So I pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I'm here to be put down.'
The third rottweiler then started his story. 'I was patrolling the house one evening, and I wandered into the bathroom to see my master's wife naked, bending over the tub, so I leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind.'
'What, and you're being put down for that?'
Oh, no. I'm just here to get my claws clipped.'
Be gentle with me
A bloke walks into the doctor's surgery looking very sheepish. The doctor asks him what the problem is and he explains that it's a rather delicate matter to do with his back passage, which he finds a bit difficult to talk about.
The doctor says, 'Look, I've been in this profession for 26 years and there isn't much I havn't seen. I understand you're embarrassed about it, but it would save us both a lot of time if you just told me.'
'I think I'd find it a lot easier if I just showed you,' the man replied. The doctor agrees, so the man drops his trousers and bends over. The sight of the guy's arsehole renders the doctor speechless; it has been torn to the size of a football and is badly bruised.
'Jesus Christ!' said the doctor, 'What the hell happened to you?'
'Well,' the bloke says, 'I was on a Safari in Kenya and I got raped by a bull elephant.'
The doctor considers this for a second and says, 'Well, with my rather limited knowledge of veterinary science, I thought elepehants' penises were very long and very thin.'
'That's right, doctor,' the guy agrees, 'but he fingered me first.'
Hard decision
A man goes to his doctor and admits that he has a sexual problem.
'I just can't get it up for my wife any more,' he says.
'Don't worry, Mr Williams,' says the doctor.
'Bring your wife in and I'll see what I can do.'
The couple come in the next day and the doctor asks the wife to remove her clothes. Then he asks her to turn around and jump up and down. He turns to the man.
'You're fine,' he says. 'She didn't give me an erection either.'
More camels ...
The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert, and asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, 'You'll see.'
The young man was puzzled. 'Well you've got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman.'
'You'll see,' the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, 300 camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men went wild: sprinting into the enclosure and screwing the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.
'I see what you mean, but I don't understand,' he said. 'There must be over 300 camels and only a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?'
'What?' exclaimed the corporal, startled. 'And get stuck with an ugly one?'
Genuine excuse
Pete rings his boss at work and says, 'Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today, I'm sick.'
'Sick!' screams his boss. 'Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Pete. Exactly how sick are you?'
'Well,' replies Pete. 'I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister.'
He's been stung before
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.
'What's that?' he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'
'Tarzan, you have it all wrong,' she says horrified. 'but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
'Here,' she said, 'You must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'
'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.
The well-hung fly
While out shopping one day, a woman spots her husband cheating with another woman in a restaurant. Waiting until he returns home, the wife pretends everything is normal - cooking his dinner, ironing his shirts and waiting for him to go up to bed. As soon as he is asleep, she stalks into the bedroom, pulls off the covers and cuts off his penis with a bread knife. As the husband wakes up, screaming, the wife panics and runs downstairs, still clutching the severed member in her bloody hand. 'Suddenly realizing the consequences of her actions, she leaps into the family saloon and speeds off into the night.
It's not long before she skids over the roundabout and onto the nearby motorway, Accelerating up to 90 mph, she soon attracts the attention of a police car and decides she has to get rid of the evidence. Opening the sunroof, she throws the flaccid organ out - only to see it bounce of the cop car windscreen. 'I think this woman must be a nutter,' says the police sergeant, hot in pursuit. 'I don't know about that,' says second officer, 'But did you see the size of the cock on that fly?'
Eighteen hours to live
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband she has only 18 hours to live.
'That's terrible!' cries her husband, 'What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.'
'Well,' she sai, 'First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favourite restaurant. But ultimately, I want to go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long.'
'Gee, honey,' says her husband, shaking his head 'I don't know about that ''all night long'' stuff. After all, I've got to get up in the morning.'
Hide and seek
It's been a particularly good day for a travelling salesman and he needs just one more sale to get his commission. He knocks at the door of the Smith family home. A small boy comes to the door, steps out onto the doorstep and whispers: 'What do you want?'
The salesman looks at the boy. 'Hello,' he says, 'Is your mummy home?'
'Yes,' the boy says, 'but she's very busy.'
'Okay,' says the salesman. 'What about your daddy. Can I have a quick word with him?'
'Nope,' whispers the boy. 'He's busy, too.'
The salesman pauses, but is desperate for his commission.
'What about your brothers and sisters? Do you have any?'
'Yes,' the little boy whispers, 'but they're all very busy as well.'
'Grandparents?' the salesman asks.
'Nope,' the boy says. 'They're tied up as well.'
'Are there any other adults in the house?' the salesman asks, exasperated.
'Yes,' the boy says. 'There two firemen and a policeman here at the moment.'
'You mean your entire family, two firemen and a policeman are all in the house, but they're too busy to see me. What are they doing?'
'Looking for me,' the little boy whispers.
Also these just incase you missed them on MIDGARD forum...
The Ordeal of Fruit
Two men shipwrecked on an island are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the 'Ordeal of Fruit'. The men accept at once, and the chief sends them into the jungle to collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him.
The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The chief says that if he can shove all the grapes up his arse without giggling then he will be free. But no sooner has the first grape reached his butt then the man bursts out laughing. 'What's so funny?' the chief asks. 'Don't you realize we're going to kill you now?'
'I'm sorry'. the sailor replies. 'It's just that my friend is collecting pineapples.'
The accommodating wife
A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and then sen him drinking with his pals down the pub. When he returns she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.
The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her husband returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a handstand against the bathroom mirror and open her legs. This excites the woman immensely, as her husband has never been this erotic before. She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, 'No, no ... Maybe the lads are right. A beard wouldn't suit me'.
Is that a frog in your pocket ...?
A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowher. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
'Cute'. says the woman. 'Is that a pet?'
The man smiled. 'Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too'.
'Like what?'
'He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you ...'
Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs.
The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, 'Well?'
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog, and says. 'Okay, you idiot, I'm ony going to show you one more time'.
Size does matter
Three men are marooned on a desert island desperately seeking a way to get off. A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises put together is as big as mine, then I'll show you a way to get off the island', he says. 'But otherwise you'll be killed and eaten'.
The native's love muscle was a staggering 20 inches. The first man got his out, and it was 10 inches. The second man produced a 9-inch knob. Realizing they only needed 1 inch to go, the first two men were quietly confident. The third got his penis out, and it was only 1 inch long.
After some tense calculations, the native says, 'Okay, you've equalled the length of my penis. I have a boat which you can use to escape'.
While sailing away on the boat, the first man says to the other two, 'You're lucky I've got a 10-inch penis'.
And the second says, 'You're lucky I've got a 9-inch penis'.
To which the third man replies, 'And you're lucky I had an erection'.
Anul intruder
One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his doctor to see what can be done about it. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours.
'Right', says the doctor, 'bend over and i'll do the first one for you'. The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home six hours later the man realizes that he can't stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. AFter explaining to her what to do the man bends over.
His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream.
'My God!' she cries. 'What's the matter? Have I hurt you?'
'No,' replies the man. 'But I've just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders'.
Drop 'em!
With his elderly wife, Bill the pensioner goes to the doctor for his annual physical. AFter testing him with the stethoscope, the physician turns to him. 'Well, Bill', he says. 'You seem fine but I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample'.
Hard of hearing, Bill turns look at his wife. 'What did he say?' he yells.
His wife bellows back: 'He said he needs your underwear'.
Natural reaction
On walking into his local, Dave sees his mate Jeff looking depressed at the bar, and asks him what's wrong.
'Well', replies Jeff, 'You know that gorgeous girl at work? The one who gives me an erection every time I saw her?'
'Yes', replies Dave with a smile.
'Well', says Jeff, straightening up, 'I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed'.
'That's great!' says Dave, 'when are you going out?'
'I went to meet her this evening', continues Jeff, 'I was worried about getting a hard-on so i taped my todger to my leg, so it wouldn't show. But when i got to her house she was wearing the sheerest tiniest dress you ever saw'.
'And what happended then?' asked Dave.
Jeff huddles over the bar again. 'I kicked her in the face'.
All fingers and thumbs
While cutting wood in his workshop, Jim the carpenter slips and manages to slice all his fingers off on his powerful electric saw. He screams and runs out of the workshop, sprinting in considerable pain to the nearest hospital. After he has been waiting half an hour, a nurse emerges.
'I'm sorry, sir', she says, 'but without your fingers, we can't do anything except stop the bleeding. Go back and get your fingers, so we can sew them back on'.
Nodding forlornly, Jim wanders out of casualty, An hour later, he returns.
'Did you recover your fingers, sir?' asks the nurse.
'No', he replied. 'I couldn't pick them up off the floor'.
The tell-tale fingers
'I'm baffled by your yellow penis', the doctor told his patient. 'Does anyone else in your family have this condition?'
The concerned fellow shook his head.
'Do you handle any chemicals at work?'
'I don't work. I'm unemployed'.
'Well, what do you do all day?'
'Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating Quavors'.
Ask a stupid question ...
At 7am, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen - drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.
'I assume', she snarls, 'that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?'
'There is', he replies. 'Breakfast'.
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
Moo!
Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
'What do you make of this mad cow disease?
The other one says, 'Doesn't affect me, mate'.
'Oh, yeah? Why's that?'
'I'm a helicopter'.
A disappointed father
Tommy ran home from school, as he couldn't wait to break his good news, Mum, Mum!' he yelled. 'I had sex with my geography teacher today! Dad, Dad! Guess what, I had sex with my geography teacher'
'I'm proud of you, son', the father replied, to the mother's dsibelief.
'I think now you're old enough to ride your brother's bike'.
Tommy's face dropped in disappointment.
'I can't, My arse hurts'.
Divine wisdom
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
To give him a chance to speak.
Ucallme Wotulike 50 warrior RR 4 5
Amphrax Venom 50 shadowblade RR 4 4
