Joke

Job

The Carl Pilkington of Freddyshouse
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
21,652
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be". She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel
uncomfortable.


One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone,and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once...


What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
door.


I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

old.Tohtori

FH is my second home
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
45,210
I...

Umm...

...

I can't even flame this.

Nothing against you Job but...no.

*bounces away all flipety floppety*
 

Job

The Carl Pilkington of Freddyshouse
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
21,652
Tose vivout own joke to thell shawl noh cust dissershuns on anudder mans tale.
 

old.Tohtori

FH is my second home
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
45,210
Couldn't leave it alone hmm?

Have at thee!

Why did teh Seel cross the road?

To hear newer jokes.

Teh Seel got to the pearly gates and saw a sign "Comedy night every night!"

He looked at the sign and asked the shiny dude with the wings who was performing.

The angel dude looked back and said "Chill dude, it's the most outrageous, wicked man Job telling the gnarly jokes."

Teh Seel looked at the sign, at the angel, at the sign and started to wobble off. The most stoned divinity asked where Teh Seel was going...

"Hell. Atleast they must have some new jokes. And atleast it's not worse then this."

End.

EDIT: flamed :D
 

DocWolfe

Part of the furniture
Joined
Jan 3, 2005
Messages
2,855
heard that one before... I thought it was quite humourous... unlike TEH SEAL's poor attempt at sarcastic wit :p
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
Didn't i post that, along with hundreds of other jokes a number of months ago? Pretty sure I did.
 

old.Tohtori

FH is my second home
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
45,210
Binky the Bomb said:
Didn't i post that, along with hundreds of other jokes a number of months ago? Pretty sure I did.

Like...the joke thread? :p

Didn't wanna hurt Job's feelings too much by going all "old" on his behind.

BAsicly every joke is glen or a distant relative of glen by now.
 

Job

The Carl Pilkington of Freddyshouse
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
21,652
Yeah but I told it better.
 

Job

The Carl Pilkington of Freddyshouse
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
21,652
OK bet this wasn't in the joke thread.

Whats this?
A dead one of those.

You have to looking at my hands to get it though.
 

Ezteq

Queen of OT
Joined
Jan 4, 2004
Messages
13,457
well buggerit i liked it, and it SHALL get told at work tomorrow (probably with punchline messed up and getting mixed with worlds fastest cake joke but God Dammit all to HELL it SHALL be told!!)

whats round and cheesey?

an edam!

thats the worst joke i could think of.
 

tris-

Failed Geordie and Parmothief
Joined
Jan 2, 2004
Messages
15,260
matesk, i dunno if its just me being fucked up by certain chemicals, or that joke not being funny in the slightest. i think ez joke was funnier for the sheer bluntness of the bastard thing.
infact, didnt even get the first joke. for some reason it read like it was jumbled up

LOL WTF, i have typed matesk. what the fuck is that shit! lol.
 

Ormorof

FH is my second home
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
9,817
on the subject of cheese and guys.....


A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"
 

old.Tohtori

FH is my second home
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
45,210
If we want cheese jokes, there's only one.

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Owner: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Owner: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Owner: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Owner: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Owner: (pause) No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Owner: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Owner: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Customer: What now?

Owner: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Customer: (pause) Gouda?

Owner: No.

Customer: Edam?

Owner: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Owner: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Owner: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

Customer: (pause) Greek Feta?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner: No.

Customer: Parmesan,

Owner: No.

Customer: Mozarella,

Owner: No.

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Owner: No.

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Owner: No.

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Owner: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Owner: No.

Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

By, monty python.

*bows*
 

Job

The Carl Pilkington of Freddyshouse
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
21,652
Is there really a cheese called Danish Bimbo I wonder?

Class line
'Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.'

What great way to question someones answer and give yourself an air of annoying educated superiority. :)
 

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