Joke.

[The Fonz]

An old man goes to the doctors.

The doctor says to the old man, "I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's".

"Oh well", says the old man, "It could be worse, I could have cancer".

 

[SFXman]

lol...

Patient goes to the doctor complaining of continuous diahrea and gets given medicine for it.
The next day he calls up the doctor...
"I think you gave me depression medicine by accident. I just shat my pants and I don't give a shit."

 

[Sharma]

Originally posted by SFXman
Patient goes to the doctor complaining of continuous diahrea and gets given medicine for it.
The next day he calls up the doctor...
"I think you gave me depression medicine by accident. I just shat my pants and I don't give a shit."

hahaha

 

[SFXman]

Funny innit.

 

[Sharma]

Originally posted by SFXman
Funny innit.

got any more for us?

 

[SFXman]

Let me try remember some... can't remember any more doctor related ones though.

A little boy walks past a guy sitting on his porch. He's carrying some duct-tape.
The guy asks:
"What are you planning on doing with all that ducttape?"
"I am going to go catch some ducks.", says the boy.
THe guy says: "You can't catch ducks with ducttape..."
The boy comes back after a while with loads of ducks stuck to his duct-tape.

The next day the boy walks past with chickenwire and the guy asks what he is doing with it.
"I am going to go get some chicken.", the boy says and the guy responds:
"You can't catch chicken with chickenwire."
However later on the boy comes back with chicked stuck in his chickenwire...

The next day the boy walks past again, this time he has some grassy looking thing with a little fluffy thing on the end.
The guy asks what it is...
"It's a pussywillow.", the boy says...
"Wait a minute, I'll get my coat and come with you!"

 

[Sharma]

that a good one! anyways i need sleepy byes...ZZzzZzzz

 

[old.job]

'Doctor I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones'

Patient: 'Is it common'?'

Doctor: 'well it's not unusual'

Doctor, I 've swallowed a trombone!'

'Thats amazing ,we've just had a girl in , who looked like you, and she'd swallowed a mouth organ!'

Patient: ' That'll be our Monica!'

 

[SFXman]

lol job

 

[Garnet]

haha

 

[cougar-]

uff.

 

[Kobold]

 

[old.Tohtori]

A priest, minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at the three for a moment and sayes:

"what's this, a fucking joke?

 

[Flimgoblin]

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat..

 

[Nightchill]

old but still one of my favourites:

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest. You'llll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest. You'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest. You will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That rabbit makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

 

[MesS°]

ROFLMAO...

GIVF MOOOOORRREEEEE !!!!!!!11

 

[SFXman]

One day Fred was playing golf with his friend George.
Fred tees off and the ball flies right into a huge field of buttercups. Fred walks over and tries to swing out of there, but he just can't get the ball out and swings repeatedly eventually mutilating all the buttercups.
Then a old woman appears out of nowhere *poof*. The old woman says,
"I am mothernature and do you realise what you just done? It took me ages to plant these here! For this you will never have butter for your popcorn ever again! Make that no butter for your bread either! Actually, no butter ever in your life again!"
Dazed Fred looks around and calls for George.
"George, where are you?"
George responds,
"I am stuck in this damn field of pusswillows!"
Fred roars out,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT SWING! I REPEAT, DO-NOT-SWING!"

 

[old.Dillinja]

What do you call a Chinese retarded baby?

Sum-Ting-Wong

 

[Elixir]

lol funny in general

 

[SilverHood]

Priest and a Rabbi are walkin down the street... priest see's a group of kids walkin down the other side and says to the Rabbi, "Hey, let's go screw those kids!"

Rabbi says, "Out of what?"

------------------
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliog
ogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde Employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
--------------------
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
.....
.......

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

--------------------------

On a propaganda tour through the United States President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions. Little Bob rises to speak:

"Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?

2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?

3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times? "

Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of the classroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions. This time Joey rises to speak:

"Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?

2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?

3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?

5. Where is Bob??? "

--------------------

2 rats in a sewer been eating shit all day...

One says "I'm sick of eating shit all day!"

His mate says "cheer up we're on the piss tonight!"
---------------------