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Wij

I am a FH squatter
FH Subscriber
Joined
Dec 23, 2003
Messages
14,442
Q. What do scottish men (like Laz) keep under their kilts ?

A. Their small penises.
 

L_Plates

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
628
A mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good 'till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

Mom fainted.
 

L_Plates

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
628
GIRL'S DIARY

SUNDAY June 19th / 2002

Saw John yesterday evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
I thought that it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner
he just didn't seem himself. He hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, like he was in his
own little world. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back
home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook
his head forlornly and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes
of silence, I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around
him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up however much later he did join me and I
was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,
and I started to think that he was going to leave me.... that he had found
someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



BOY'S DIARY

SUNDAY

Ireland lost to Spain on penalties. Still got the ride though.
 

Rubber Bullets

FH is my second home
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
1,368
A couples holiday is approaching and, as yet, they have no plans.

One day the guy says "I'd like to go camping", but his wife isn't keen on the idea.

A bit later the guy says "I really think you should consider camping, we'll pick somewhere really nice, and we'll be able to get fresh air every day, and take the dog for long walks", but the wife still isn't keen.

He sulks for a while.

Then he has one last go, "look you'll really love camping, those long summer nights under canvas, it'll be really romantic."

"Oh for gods sake" says the wife, "will you stop going on and on about camping, I really hate it and whatever you say I won't want to go."

Downcast the guy thinks about this. In the end he says "OK I'll stop going on about it, but in return you've got to either give me a blowjob or take it up the arse."

The wife really doesn't like either, but in the end she relents and decides to give him a blow job. No sooner has she started she stops and says "euugh this really does taste like shit."

"I know," says the guy "the dog didn't want to go camping either."

RB
 

Wij

I am a FH squatter
FH Subscriber
Joined
Dec 23, 2003
Messages
14,442
Rubber Bullets said:
A couples holiday is approaching and, as yet, they have no plans.

One day the guy says "I'd like to go camping", but his wife isn't keen on the idea.

A bit later the guy says "I really think you should consider camping, we'll pick somewhere really nice, and we'll be able to get fresh air every day, and take the dog for long walks", but the wife still isn't keen.

He sulks for a while.

Then he has one last go, "look you'll really love camping, those long summer nights under canvas, it'll be really romantic."

"Oh for gods sake" says the wife, "will you stop going on and on about camping, I really hate it and whatever you say I won't want to go."

Downcast the guy thinks about this. In the end he says "OK I'll stop going on about it, but in return you've got to either give me a blowjob or take it up the arse."

The wife really doesn't like either, but in the end she relents and decides to give him a blow job. No sooner has she started she stops and says "euugh this really does taste like shit."

"I know," says the guy "the dog didn't want to go camping either."

RB
Sooooo Glen :)
 

Pro]v[etheus

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
75
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...



Chris: - "Scuse me.... no offense meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.



James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a w@nker.
 

Utini

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Jan 2, 2004
Messages
365
I think i need a JOTD thread for people with attention spans of less than 4 lines. :kissit:
 

Louster

One of Freddy's beloved
Joined
Dec 26, 2003
Messages
882
Wij's joke is TONS better than all the rest so far.
 

babs

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 30, 2003
Messages
1,595
Three lads sitting in a pub when a drunk staggers in. They sit there looking at him and one of them catches his eye. He sways over to them, points and slurs "I shagged your mother", staggers up to the bar and orders a whiskey. He drinks the whiskey, turns on his stool points again and says "Your mum sucked my cock". The lads sit still and try to ignore him. The drunk gets up and makes for the door, just as he's falling through the door he gains his balance, leans into the face of one of the lads and shouts "I F*KED YOUR MOTHER IN THE ASS AND SHE LOVED IT!!". The boy, clearly embarressed stands up and says "Bugger off home dad, you're pissed again!"
 

Tom

FH is my second home
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
15,991
nicked

>>I ran a BBS and dreamed of the day I could afford a 2400
>>baud modem.
>>
>>(smiles, rocking in rocking chair, tapping cane) Why you
>>young whippersnappers! I remember the days of my 300
>>baud modem the size of a los angeles phone book, wired
>>to a dial phone. And those damn tiny switches, trying to
>>get them right. And the contest to imitate the sound of
>>making the connection.
>>
>>You had 300 baud? We would have killed for 300 baud! We
>>had 110 baud, half-duplex, and WE LIKED IT! Yellow-paper
>>chattering teletypes and all!
>>
>>Bah. We had to use punched cards and paper tape. I can
>>remember how amazed and awed I was by my first teletype
>>machine, chunking along at something like 4 or 5
>>characters per second. Then, one day, someone invented
>>one that saved time by typing while the head was moving
>>from both left to right AND right to left.
>>
>>Luxury! We used to use semaphore flags to move data from
>>one server to another in the same office.
>>
>>Flags! We would have given our right arms for flags! It
>>was so smoky in our offices (back in the day, of course)
>>that you could not see flags from across the room. We
>>had to relay data in envelopes hand- carried by midgets.
>>I believe these were the first "packets". Occasionally
>>the midgets fell over (hard to see in the smoke) and
>>produced what we called "compressed headers". I think
>>there's an RFC on that.
>>
>>Midgets! We DREAMED of having midgets! We had to get up
>>at 5 in the morning, go out to the woods, cut some
>>sticks, sharpen the sticks, and punch the cards by hand!
>>
>>Cards?! We had to chip flint into pieces with sharp
>>edges, then use the edges to peel the bark off the trees
>>and then use the sticks to punch pieces of bark.
>>
>>Bark... ah, how we dreamed of bark! We had to chew wood
>>fibers with our own teeth, spit them out and roll them
>>flat with stones and leave them to dry in the sun!
>>
>>You had stones? We had to mix water and dirt and let it
>>dry in the sun for centuries!
>>
>>How we used to dream of the sun! We had to wait for eons
>>in the formless void, waiting for The Word to separate
>>the light from the darkness!
>>
>>Word? HA! All we had was an amino acid soup!
>>
>>Amino acid soup! How we dreamed of amino acids! We had
>>big piles of hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen and
>>had to assemble our own organic molecules. FROM SCRATCH!
>>
>>You had elements?! All we had were protons and
>>electrons. We had to mine our own subatomic particles to
>>make neutrons and then in a single precarious step,
>>combine the neutrons with protons and send electrons
>>into precise orbits. And you think your system crashes
>>were hard to deal with? Imagine the fallout *we* handled
>>every day...And we didn't have any of that wussy lead
>>shielding, either, back in the good old days, and we
>>*liked* it that way.
>>
>>Electrons?!?!? God, how we DREAMED of electrons, sitting
>>there, all alone in our probability fields.
>>
>>Matter? They had MATTER? Man, you guys are lucky! Back
>>in my day we had to create the molecules out of quantum
>>vibrations. BY HAND. And you had to be lucky enough to
>>find someone to do it for you--it's not like we could go
>>to www.outoftheformlessvoid.com and read the FAQ, you
>>know?
>>
>>Quantum vibrations!? A formless void!? We could only
>>dream of a formless void... we were all packed into a
>>singularity of spacetime having no dimension, and we
>>liked it!
>
> ROTFL
> Now THOSE were the days.
 

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