E
erl
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- #31
Packa pappas kappsäck
That one's alot harder, usually fail on the third one :/
That one's alot harder, usually fail on the third one :/
P
- Pathfinder -
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- #32
Really? I found that one to be easier 
Maybe it's just me who has an issue with repeated sj sounds
Maybe it's just me who has an issue with repeated sj sounds
G
Gef
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- #33
enjoy Swiss Tony's guide to many things...
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's gotto be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip into the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight -particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's gotto be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip into the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight -particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
E
erl
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- #34
Hilarious
O
old.windforce
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- #35
gogogogo Gef
C
[Cerebus]
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- #36
Ain't Gef brilliant!
G
Gef
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- #37
Hehe, I have 100's of em, my email comedy circulation list is pretty vast now
Seminars for Women (given by men)
1."Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2.Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3.Elementary Map Reading
4.Crying and law enforcement
5.Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
6.You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
7.Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8.The Seven-Outfit Week v the Seven-Week Outfit
9.PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It)
10.Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11.Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12.Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13.Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14.The Super Bowl : Not a Game--A Sacrament
15.Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16.How to Earn Your Own Money instead of just Spending His
17.Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18.Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19.Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20.Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21.We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22.MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23.Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
24.Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25.What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26.The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours, too
27.His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28.Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
29.To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
30.Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31.Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?
Seminars for Women (given by men)
1."Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2.Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3.Elementary Map Reading
4.Crying and law enforcement
5.Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
6.You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
7.Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8.The Seven-Outfit Week v the Seven-Week Outfit
9.PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It)
10.Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11.Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12.Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13.Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14.The Super Bowl : Not a Game--A Sacrament
15.Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16.How to Earn Your Own Money instead of just Spending His
17.Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18.Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19.Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20.Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21.We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22.MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23.Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
24.Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25.What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26.The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours, too
27.His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28.Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
29.To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
30.Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31.Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?
G
Gef
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- #38
I sometimes think i'm too good to be true
P
- Pathfinder -
Guest
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- #39
Originally posted by Gef
I sometimes think i'm too good to be true
G
Gef
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- Thread starter
- #40
A junior priest, Father Brenham, was talking to his elder one day and asked if he could have a go at doing confession.
'Why Certainly' replied Father O'Reilly, 'It would be great to have a day off'.
The first sinner walks in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned, I have had sex with a married man' Father Brenham looks at the list on the confessional box and reads the act the woman has to perform, 'say five hail maries and your forgiveness will be granted' 'thank you father' the woman replies before leaving,
The second sinner arrives, 'Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have had Intercourse and Oral sex with a married man' Father Brenham again look at the list and replies, 'Say ten hail maries and your forgiveness will be granted' 'thank you father' the second woman replies before leaving,
The third sinner arrives, 'Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have had Intercourse, Anal Sex and Oral sex with a married man' Father Brenham again looks, but this toll is not on the list, 'Excuse me one second' Father Brenham walks out the confessional and asks the first choir boy he sees 'What does Father O'Reilly normally give for Anal Sex, Oral Sex and Intercourse?'
'A packet of crips and a mars bar', replies the boy.
'Why Certainly' replied Father O'Reilly, 'It would be great to have a day off'.
The first sinner walks in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned, I have had sex with a married man' Father Brenham looks at the list on the confessional box and reads the act the woman has to perform, 'say five hail maries and your forgiveness will be granted' 'thank you father' the woman replies before leaving,
The second sinner arrives, 'Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have had Intercourse and Oral sex with a married man' Father Brenham again look at the list and replies, 'Say ten hail maries and your forgiveness will be granted' 'thank you father' the second woman replies before leaving,
The third sinner arrives, 'Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have had Intercourse, Anal Sex and Oral sex with a married man' Father Brenham again looks, but this toll is not on the list, 'Excuse me one second' Father Brenham walks out the confessional and asks the first choir boy he sees 'What does Father O'Reilly normally give for Anal Sex, Oral Sex and Intercourse?'
'A packet of crips and a mars bar', replies the boy.
G
Gimly
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- #41
I was gonna bump this cause it was funny but then thought na...
bugger done it again :sleeping:
bugger done it again :sleeping: