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xane

Guest
Earth put on crap story alert

Imminent disruption is predicted for lorry drivers, lazy students and even C list celebrities because of a storm of crap journalism.

It comes from one of the largest media companies seen for years. Several times in recent days supercrap stories have erupted from them.

The events, called Tabloid Mass Ejaculations, have sent 10 billion lines of worthless newsprint speeding towards our corner shop newsagents.

As well as teen big brother, j-lo's latest arse and infactuation with minor news items, all may be seen from the front page as the crap is read.


Target Morons

A tabloid mass ejaculation (TME) is an explosion of mundane and boring articles into print from a journalist wearing flares with a bottle of corona, the uppermost layer of The Sun's editorial staff. They are associated with excessive alcohol consumption during lunch.

The current large media group, News International, is one of the most disgusting for years. In circulation, it is 10 times larger than the population of Wapping.


The Sun's brain has been inactive

It has been captivating white van man for seconds and has already produced several minutes of discussion, as well as much needed lavatory paper.

One pair of flares was designated as Senior Editor - the most powerful category.

Media pundits say that the latest TME sent nearly 10 billion lines of newsprint towards Mr Patel & Son of Hounslow.

It is never expected to reach Earth, and when it goes on sale it could create an insignificant political storm.

Political activity associated with TMEs can marginally disrupt electorial thinking, no, honestly it can.


Moral shutdown

TMEs can create emotional surges in stupid people, disrupt micro-celebrity lifestyles, and prevent moral reasoning, just think of the children.

In 1997, such a story shut down the men's port-a-loo at the roadworks on the corner of Oxford Street. The following year another story disrupted a mid-morning break at the local Tesco in Walthamstow.

Such stories are also known to affect dustcart operations and may disrupt national postal services.

And there is more to come. Another media group is rotating into view with a new tabloid edition, showing even more signs of brain inactivity.

That particular tabloid caught the attention of white van man while it was still on the far side of the newsagent's counter.

Using a technique based on the size of women's breasts through The Sun's third layer, road repair workers have realised that there was f*ck all to read on The Sun's other pages. It could produce more uninteresting stories in the next two days.
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T

Tom

Guest
The original story isn't shite, solar flares have caused power cuts and communications blackouts in the past.

We're all doomed!
 
S

sad_mung

Guest
Well that's quite interesgkosdi 0490o32poG@DFS223 jskdks
@@~~£wdr£$% 43QB%572450 23asdf "£4.
So oia watch out for them.
 
E

ECA

Guest
Originally posted by sad_mung
Well that's quite interesgkosdi 0490o32poG@DFS223 jskdks
@@~~£wdr£$% 43QB%572450 23asdf "£4.
So oia watch out for them.
Click to expand...


Please Die.
 
A

adams901

Guest
this story about a solar storm was on CNN and Sky news earlier today.

Apparently it is a catagory 3 flare (the highest being a catagory 5).

http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/space/10/24/solar.forecast/index.html

"In 2000, a solar blast briefly knocked out or created steering problems for several orbiting spacecraft.

And in 1989, one zapped the main electrical utility in Quebec, Canada, plunging millions into darkness for hours and costing billions of dollars to fix."
 
X

Xavier

Guest
Originally posted by adams901
"...and costing billions of dollars to fix."
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BILLIONS of dollars? Jesus, when the brownouts took out the entire bay area of California, they were only looking at tens of millions of dollars, Billions? What are they using? Fucking platinum plated fuses?
:rolleyes:
 
S

Sir Frizz

Guest
YEAH! AND WERE ALL GONNA DIE COS OF A THING CALLED A SUPERVOLCANO!"£ ITS A GIANT VOLCANO ITS IN YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK AND CAN WIPR OUT MOST OF NORTH AMERICA!"£ BE AFRAID EUROPE!£$ OH AND THEN THERES A GIANT TSUNAMI HEADED FOR THE COAST OF FLORIDA WHEN A CLIFF JUST MIGHT DECIDE TO FALL OFFF INTO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!"£ OH AND THEN THERES METEORS AND BIG ROCKS HEADED FOR US WHEN NO_ONE_ ALIVE NOW WILL EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

Or maybe some people shouldn't give such a giant "rectal ejaculation" whenever the newspapers dramatise the most stupid things.
 
M

Munkey-

Guest
Actually the "super volcanoe" idea is pretty valid, dunno about wiping out life on this planet but if it did occur it would seriously fuck the world up for a few years.


and for some reason this solar flare thing reminds me of one of Tom Clancys books. Still dont think it'll have to adverse an effect
 
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adams901

Guest
I don't read the newspapers, I first heard of this yesterday what it was on CNN and then on Sky news. So far I have seen no one give a giant "rectal ejaculation", all I have seen are people talking about something that interests them. I dont think it will effect us in any big way but it does interest me.

Maybe YOU shouldn't overreact and give such a giant "rectal ejaculation" because people are talking about something you don't agree with.

Still I guess you are more knowlegable in these things than the Scientists, from now on I wont watch the news, i'll just PM he who knows it all for the real news.
 
M

Mellow-

Guest
Originally posted by Sir Frizz
YEAH! AND WERE ALL GONNA DIE COS OF A THING CALLED A SUPERVOLCANO!"£ ITS A GIANT VOLCANO ITS IN YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK AND CAN WIPR OUT MOST OF NORTH AMERICA!"£ BE AFRAID EUROPE!£$ OH AND THEN THERES A GIANT TSUNAMI HEADED FOR THE COAST OF FLORIDA WHEN A CLIFF JUST MIGHT DECIDE TO FALL OFFF INTO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!"£ OH AND THEN THERES METEORS AND BIG ROCKS HEADED FOR US WHEN NO_ONE_ ALIVE NOW WILL EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

Or maybe some people shouldn't give such a giant "rectal ejaculation" whenever the newspapers dramatise the most stupid things.
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:D That brought a smile to my face.
 
Z

.z.

Guest
Originally posted by adams901

Apparently it is a catagory 3 flare (the highest being a catagory 5).
Click to expand...

5 being Earth-engulfing flaming horribleness?
 
S

Sharma

Guest
Sooooo ill be able to see the Aurora Borealis from Teesside on friday night?
 
J

Jonaldo

Guest
Wouldn't mind if it would warm us up a little. What good is a burst from the Sun if no heat gets here? It's freezing dammit!
 
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