O
old.Tohtori
Guest
list of things that evidently provide a guide as to what
defines a male in today's complicated society
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
e. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident
6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
(In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies'
girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make
nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding
is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because
it's twice as true).
13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do
not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.
14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
17. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't
see nothin'.
21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.
22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations,an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up
if necessary.
30. When a buddy is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him
only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.
31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he
thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker
every seven minutes.
32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a
big mistake it was.
33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.
defines a male in today's complicated society
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
e. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident
6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
(In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies'
girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make
nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding
is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because
it's twice as true).
13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do
not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.
14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
17. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't
see nothin'.
21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.
22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations,an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up
if necessary.
30. When a buddy is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him
only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.
31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he
thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker
every seven minutes.
32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a
big mistake it was.
33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.
