Friday jokes

[evzy]

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks at her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.




She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse properly!"


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A husband and wife decided to take up golfing. However, both were to embarrassed to take lessons together, afraid of making a fool of themselves in front of the other, so it was decided that the husband would take his lessons first. On his first day of lessons, the husband learned how to hold the club and swing properly. His instructor told him to tee up and hit the ball after about 30 minutes of instruction and practice swings. He did as instructed, but only hit the ball about 25 feet. The instructor said, "That was OK but you can do better. This time, I want you hold that club as if it's your wife's breast." The husband did and he hit the ball about 125 yards. The instructor said, "That's great! That'll be it for today." The husband was excited and hurried home to tell his wife.

That excited her so she decided to go the next day. Again the instructor had her tee up after about 30 minutes of instruction and practice swings. The wife teed up, swung and the ball only went about 10 feet. The instructor said "That was OK , but you can do better. This time, I want you to think of how you hold your
husband's knob, and swing at the ball." She did and swung and the ball only went about 20 feet this time. The instructor said, "That was better, but this time I want You to take the club out of your mouth and use your hands."

 

[Lamp]

tee hee

 

[Amildin]

2nd one was good

 

[Amildin]

Adding a couple,

A dyslexic gent and his mate are on holiday skiing. At the top of a mountain the dyslexic man says to his mate, "Right i'm going to zag zig down this hill". His friend laughs and says, "You daft dyslexic, its not zag zig, its zig zag!"

"No," replies his friend, "Its definately zag zig."

After about 10 minutes of arguing, the friend says, "Look there's a man down there with all the posh ski gear on, go and ask him, he'll tell you im right."

So the dyslexic man goes up to the man in all the kit and asks, "Excuse me mate, me and my friend are having an argument, if we want to go down this hill do we zig zag or zag zig?"

The man in all the gear replies, "Don't ask me mate, im a tobogganist."

"Oh," says the dyslexic, "Can I have 20 B&H and a box of matches then?"

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!

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Dave is driving home from the pub one night, when to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realises that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. Dave tells the officer his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid-sentence and says, "For gods sake sir, thats your air freshener!"

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Julius Caesar is addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Fellow Romans, I have returned from my campaign in France where i killed 50,000 Gauls!" The crowd rises to its feet, cheering; "Hail mighty Caesar!" At this point Brutus jumps up and yells, "Caesar lies! I've discovered he only killed 25,000." Caesar replies, "Yes, but remember that away Gauls count double in Europe."


I made them all up because i was bored, fact!