Friday Joke....

[evzy]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."



Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet s***s itself."

 

[Kaun_IA]

hahaha, nice. and repped

 

[Karl]

hehe yes very good

 

[Thorwyn]

I got one too.... lets see if I manage to translate it properly


Mother Mary was concerned about her son. After all, Jesus was almost 25 years old and never had any experience with women so far. So she decided that she had to do something and hired the hottest chick in entire Jerusalem, Maria Magdalena, and sent her to Jesus´ bedroom. Time passed, Mother Mary patiently waiting outside.
Then, suddenly, the door opened and Maria Magdalena ran out of the room in panic, screaming like a banshee. Mother Mary went into the room and found Jesus sitting on his bed. "What happened, son?", she asked.
"Well, we sat down on the bed an she kissed me", Jesus replied.
"And then?"
"I kissed her back", he said.
"Ok, and then?"
"Then she touched my knee with her hand"
"And?"
"And then I touched her knee too."
"Yes ok.. and what happened next?"
"Then she moved her hand upwards, right between my legs"
"And what did you do?"
"Well.. I did the same with my hand."
"So, what happened?"
"Then I found out that she´s an amputee. So I cured her."

 

[evzy]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Thorwyn[B&Q] again.

Bah..soz dude, will rep ya later if I remember! Nicking that to distribute on email to teh lads as I speak!!

 

[Alan]

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

 

[Thorondorito]

screaming like a banshee

 

[evzy]

Bob goes to see the Doctor after feeling unwell for a few days.
The Doc runs a few tests and goes off to check the results, when he comes back he has a serious look on his face. Bob see's the Doctors face "How bad is it Doc?" he asks.

"Well" said the Doc "Its pretty bad I'm afraid".

"How bad??" said Bob getting worried.

"I don't know how else to tell you this, so I will be blunt Bob, you have 10 left to live" replied the Doctor.

"10? 10 What? Years? Months? Days?" Asked Bob, panic now entering his voice"



The Doctor looked sadly at Bob "9......8......"

 

[Alan]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading
to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up
getting my head kicked in."

"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case,
I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.

He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".

 

[Alan]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

[Ezteq]

rofl evul daxie!

kk very old one but i like it

3 kids find a magic slide, theres a sign on it that says "welcome to the magic slide what ever you say as you slide down it will appear at the bottom"
kid 1 goes down "diiiiiiiiiamooonds" and at the bottom he falls in to a big heap of diamonds

kid 2 "gooooooooooooold" at the bottom he lands in a big pile of gold

kid 3 goes down "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

*splash*

 

[DocWolfe]

rofl evul daxie!

kk very old one but i like it

3 kids find a magic slide, theres a sign on it that says "welcome to the magic slide what ever you say as you slide down it will appear at the bottom"
kid 1 goes down "diiiiiiiiiamooonds" and at the bottom he falls in to a big heap of diamonds

kid 2 "gooooooooooooold" at the bottom he lands in a big pile of gold

kid 3 goes down "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

*splash*

I was 7 when someone first told me that joke

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

Nuff said really