Family

[Tom]

Some of you may remember that I don't have the best of relationships with my immediate family.

I've had one phone call from my mum, sometime in June. Apart from that, I haven't seen or heard from any of them since February this year. Not a dicky-bird.

I take the view that after many years of living at home, its not entirely unreasonable to expect your own family (who only live 10 miles away) to come and visit you from time to time, and that they should expect the same from yourself. So, after many visits over the years, to my parent's and sister's houses, you'd think that I'd have seen plenty of them at my house.

Not so. I can count the number of times my sister has visited this house in the 4 years I've lived here on the fingers of one hand. My mum, bless her, seems to be an innocent party in all of this (shes very selfless and I do love her) but she won't get the bus/train and come to visit. My dad, pfft forget it. That man doesn't know how to deal with emotions - I have absolutely no happy memories of any kind of father/son relationship whatsoever at any time in my life. I'm kind of bitter about that - I know the reasons (from his childhood), but it shouldn't have been my problem.

Its not like I live in a shit-hole either. I have a nice place, clean, tidy, plenty of room, nothing embarrassing. Its a house many people would like to call their home.

So I'm wondering now if its worth just cutting them all off altogether. I can't face ever going around there ever again, I'm too disappointed. I hope that doesn't come across as selfish. They all know it - I've explained on more than one occasion why I'm puzzled they don't come around - but nothing is done. My elder sister, who was divorced a few years back and suffered with depression (I helped her move her stuff and visited her new place many many times), who then moved again because of abusive neighbours (ditto last bit), seemingly can't be bothered. I have a niece, I've seen her twice in the last 2 years. My mum and dad, with a car, can't be bothered. My younger sister who went all introverted, well thats dead and buried so far as I'm concerned. I think she suffered the same problem as I do now, only she expressed it disgracefully in a very abusive letter to my mum a few years back, and I haven't really forgiven her for that. Mum doesn't deserve any of this.

Christmas will be coming soon, its the worst day of the year for me. Has been since I was a teenager. All the questions from well-meaning people, I hate having to lie about it. I stay at home. When I first moved here, I spent money and began to organise things to get the entire family around for a Christmas Lunch. My dad couldn't be bothered, and that was the end of that. Imagine how that felt if you can.

This probably isn't the place to talk about all this, but its difficult really to talk to my friends about it especially as their lives are going great, and I don't want to become a subject of pity. The internet, and its anonymity, can be helpful sometimes.

I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm a bit sick of trying to be the nicest guy I can, and having to deal with shit like this. Its like someone is punishing me for having a good standard of living "you can have the money, or the family, but not both".

 

[Catsby]

Catsby advises inviting Jim Beam and Jack Daniels around for christmass.

 

[Trem]

I don't speak to much of my family anymore, and my mum is getting on my tits since my son was born......I won't go into the reasons. I never had a great relationship with my dad until later years, as you may remember he died a couple of years back.

All I can say is I miss him like I have lost half my heart, it was a strained relationship but he was my dad and my mum is my mum. I suggest you see your mum as much as possible and don't be pig headed about it(like I would be), even if you have to meet her somewhere do that. When she dies you will regret not seeing her of that I promise you. You will also miss your dad but it won't be as heartbreaking as losing your mum.

When we reach our age Tom(30's) people start to die, and you will never see them or hear their voice or have them....well....alive.

Bollocks to your dad if thats your choice but you should do your best with your mum(although it sounds like you have already).

Failing that you can come my house for dinner at xmas and entertain my bloody mrs

 

[Gray]

Im somewhat similar in a way, altho its more a confidence thing. Ive pretty much lost it all over the past few years as nothing has ever really gone right.

Live with parents, buuut i hardly speak to them (I do, but not about general day-to-day things) and if i cant speak to them, who can i speak to? I visit some of my brothers, well, mainly one, altho this past year i have very rarely spoke to him. The only time(s) i have, has been when im completely confused about computer issues, and id probably go around and try and figure it out. I feel like i myself am being selfish that way, only going when i want something, and it probably is the reason i dont visit my other 3 brothers (as much). Altho the only reason again that i dont, is purely down to confidence on my part.

Working were i am now, has really drained me, to a point that i want to desperately leave, but i dont know what exactly i want to do. I expected when working for a Call-centre, my skills in talking etc would have flew through the roof, however, its just as it was at the beginning, thus im not "going anywhere".

My mum has always been with me, being through the rough and smooth, when my dad was drinking heavily, but they stayed together none the less, and due to the problems that ive seen over the past few years with them, its the whole reason why i *dont* drink alcohol at all, it just ruins people. But all it took was a (small) heart attack on my dad to put it all into perspective, he stopped drinking immediatley, however, i felt inside that i wanted to talk... but couldnt.

My other family (Cousins, Uncles etc) id rather not know, cousin started pretty much my dad on alcohol in first place, and somewhere along the line was trying again after his heart attack, my aunts/uncles start gossip behind your back, cause trouble etc etc.. So i just keep well out of it. Mainly because of the gossip, perhaps that caused the confidence issue in me? Hmmm!

One of my brothers, the brother i did always look upto some years ago was involved in a bike accident, now that caused so much distress to me it was unreal, and everyone suffered greatly (his anniversary was only yesterday also, 5 years ;/) and he was like the "hub" of the family, he was in the "middle", so generally id travel to his first, get a few games or somethin, then go down to another brother, and thats how it would work.

So my overall reason for not doin so, is purely confidence at its worst :/

 

[babs]

Failing that you can come my house for dinner at xmas and entertain my bloody mrs

*brings stuffing*

 

[Doomy]

Sort it out. At least start trying now, family is the most important thing to us whether you like it or not, the longer it goes the harder it will get.

My dad fucked off at the age of 15, remember coming back from the gamesmaster show and he wasnt there, left us with an absolute shitload of debt and a whole bunch of stories from my mum the older I got. I know all these are true and made me hate him for 8-9 years, recently tho I really want to get in touch with him now. Its my dad and he always will be. I dont even know if the fool is still alive? He hasnt rung apart from once when he rang 6 years ago whilst I was living at mums, I was on the way out for a job interview and some part of my brain didnt engage when I promised to call him back. It was like I forgot lol, on purpose without realising .

All I know is that he is in Germany or has been for a long amount of time, he didnt tell me this but his massively german accent and the fact he had a few relatives there so that makes sense, anyway im rambling.

All you can do is try, christmas on your own really stinks especially when you know some other part of you is enjoying it ie your family. If it doesnt work, try, try again.

 

[WPKenny]

There was a time when I'd quite happily have stuck two fingers up at my family and forgot all about them. May have been teenage angst or whatever but my dad threw me out of the house and the younger of my two sisters (still older than me) who was still at home decided that she hated me and made my life a living hell. She used to screech in my face and wish that I was dead, in front of my parents.

I moved out to go to uni, which didn't work out but getting some space between us to get on with our own lives has helped us to mellow a bit more. Now the sister who wished I was dead made myself and Lou godparents to her first-born which is a great honor.

My older sister who moved to america with her husband has recently returned to the country and so we're all living pretty close to each other (within 20 mins drive) now and it feels good.

I still have issues with my dad but I can see he makes the effort and I also try to chat and go out for a drink with him when I can.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, at the end of it all, they're family. You may go through some shit and you may have arguments and it may seem like you're the one with all the hassles and none of the rewards.

Tom, you've already made the first step by admitting you want to make the effort so the next thing to accept is that they're just the way they are. Accept that there's no malice in it just a lack of thought. If you want to see them then go and see them. Don't take it so personally that they don't come to you.

From personal experience there's people in my life who rarely call me. I'm always the one to keep in touch with them. If I didn't we'd lose touch. Then there's people who often call me before I call them. It just takes one peson to make contact but don't feel so bad if you're the one always having to do so. That's just the way it is.

As Trem said, you'd regret if you lost contact with them for good.

 

[rynnor]

Keep trying mate - I would keep up seeing your Mum (even if you have to go to see her all the time) and just keep an open mind - people change a lot over time so I wouldnt burn your bridges.

My Uncle dropped out from his family for over 30 years - they completely lost touch when he was taken into care as a child when my Grandma died - his father was an alcoholic so the eldest kids brought themselves up and the youngest went to an orphanage.

For many years he blamed his older sisters for not looking after him and just disappeared off the planet - eventually in his 40's he managed to trace my mum and from then on he became part of the family again.

Dont punish the kids of relatives you dont get on with either - I was thrilled to find I had an Uncle and he made a big impact on my life.

As to Christmas its always shite for everyone - the only place 'dream' Christmas'es exist are in crap american films.

 

[MYstIC G]

Tom. To be honest, if it doesn't bother you personally, then don't cut em off, but let yourself off the hook on the "if they can't be bothered, then i can't be bothered". It's not worth going all "fuck you lot" cos its harder to rebuild bridges than it is to burn them.

 

[Tom]

Thats pretty much how I feel G, part of the reason I don't go around there is because my younger sister, her husband, and new baby (neither of whom I have even seen) are living there as well.

Going to see my mum, or even phoning, would entail speaking to them or my dad and I really honestly just can't be bothered with the aggro. When my mum last phoned to see how I was I missed the chance to ask her to meet me somewhere away from their home. I sent her a birthday card and got no reply.

I like my elder sister, and enjoyed going to see her but if she can't be bothered to return the compliment, whats the point? Every time I went around there from then on I'd be habouring this festering resentment.

 

[Deebs]

Having read this thread I am going to say my 2 penneth. Don't cut them off, family are important and at some point in your life will rely on them being there.

I am an extremely lucky guy who has the closest family I know about, all my friends have families but none as close as the one I am a part of. They always say how envious they are of me.

Just to put that into perspective, today I spent the best part of 6 hours shopping with my baby sister and my mum. Had so many laughs and made many of the shop assistants laugh at our antics. At one point, my mum and sister were in a changing room together and you could hear their laughing throughout the changing rooms and everyone else start laughing. Things like that lift you and others up without even realising it.

I would suggest building bridges if you can or just wait for the phone call's to happen but never cut them off just because they don't make the effort.

Go round, explain how you feel and that you would love them to visit you at some point, don't let it fester. My other sister, who lives near Leciester is terrible at returning phonecalls but we tell her, straight. She now makes the effort and realises she is pissing us off when she doesn't make the effort.

 

[Tom]

My mum phoned today. Perhaps she reads this forum......

Anyhow, I was driving but we spoke for about 5 minutes, and I told her why I hadn't called. She wants to come and see me, which has cheered me up no end because I've had the mother of all shit months this month.

I've had a big argument with an agent over the lack of work hes got me, and his prices, and hes demanding I pay him what he thinks I owe him. I've basically had to tell him to fuck off.

I've lost a chunk of work on A1GP because I refused to sign a frankly awful contract, and this may effect future work as well.

I got told off for doing a doughnut in a gravel car park while on a job.

Someone on another job stabbed me in the back to save her skin (even though I'd done nothing wrong). I posted about this on another forum and got roundly attacked for suggesting that women are generally manipulative and trouble (at work).

I turned up for a job on Saturday and was treated horribly by 2 people, to the extent that I had to walk. There are various reasons, but none of them are in any way my fault, and I expect to have to get them disciplined now.


So my mum calling has put a little smile on my rather haggard face...

 

[TdC]

Tom, I'd not break it all off with your family. I'd certainly try to keep in touch with at least your mum, even if you have to put all the effort in yourself to keep at it.

I personally hardly ever see great chunks of my (dutch) family, just the weddings and funerals stuff, but that's cool. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to not be able to see my mum, for whatever reason. I'd put in any effort to keep that going no matter what, and therefor I feel that you should too.

My dad passed away over 20 years ago, and there are times when I miss a father-figure in my life but I don't miss a dad if you know what I mean, so I can't comment on that.

as you just said, your mum's coming to see you and that's made you see a little light in the grimness. best thing ever imo. now get your arse out and get something nice for you two to nibble on with your tea!