Difficult situations

[Thorwyn]

I already posted about what happened in my private life in the last few months. Now that the dust has settled down a bit, I´m beginning to consider my new situation and it´s not exactly easy. My work as a freelancer is nice, but the situation on the market is just too tight to make it really worth while. Projects are being cancelled left right and middle and I`m currently looking for a new job.

Unfortunately, for my position, that means I need to move. There´s just not enough companies in my area. Nothing wrong with moving, but since my fathers death, I`m taking care of my mother, who - slowly but surely - is getting more and more unable to handle her daily life. Moving away from my area means I´d have to leave her alone. Of course, I could move and come back at the weekends... but then, there´s my cat that needs insulin injections twice a day, so I can´t just say "bye" for the weekend, jump on a plane and fly back home.

On the other hand, crawling around on the freelancer market would probably mean I´d have to hit the doletrain sometimes in the near future.

Basically, I`m kind of snookered.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Situation to talk with mother about i think.

Though knowing mothers, answers will be "I'll be fine" etc so it won't actually help.

IT's a achoice really, either help your mother out and get by with what you got, or move and do the "own life" thing.

Neither decision is wrong mind you, just the basic question;

Which decicion would you be willing to live with?

The freelance market is sh*t for sure, as is the whole industry.

Are you the only one who can take care of your mother? Possibility for her to move? A rather "cruel" option is a home ofcourse.

 

[Thorwyn]

My sister is living like 60km away from my town, so theoretically, she could also look after her, but the two are not getting along together very well. I´m now the legal guardian for my mother with all competences (financial etc.).

No idea what decision I would be willing to live with. I guess whatever I chose to do, I´ll do it with a bad feeling.

...and you´re spot on about the "I´ll be fine" part.

 

[Ch3tan]

In the long term it would be better to try and get her into a home now, before her ability to handle life alone fades. You may feel like an arse now, and she may not thank you for it, but it would be even worse later on.

She'll get the care she needs, and you can work and spend quality time with her without feeling any bitterness at having stopped your life to help her (which I think would be hard to avoid, no matter how much love you feel)

 

[liloe]

First of all, it depends on how your mother perceives the problem. Would she be fine with moving into a nursing home? Would she prefer getting a little help at home?

My mother lives around 900 km away from home and her brother and sister aren't exactly close as well, so my grandmother clearly stated what she wants to not cause any trouble (her words). First thing to see is that even though there have been scandals, we don't live in the medieval anymore. My other grandmother is at a pretty nice home. So while you might feel responsible for her, which is perfectly okay, she's pretty right with the "I'll be fine" attitude. If you sacrifice your own life now, then neither will she be happy about it, nor will you and you might even hate yourself or her for it later on, which would be a true shame.

Being a freelancer is tough and when there's no work, there's no money, so you don't really have a lot of choices. As a friend said: Selbstständig: Selbst - und zwar ständig.

Now to find a compromise isn't easy, I'm aware of that. Depending on where you want to move, it might be possible to catch a train now and then, if your mother moves into a home in a larger town - well and you as well Of course you could also get your mother to move with you and get into a home at the new place, but then the question is: How often will you have to move in the future? Because what might work once, will not work very well twice and everything that goes beyond two would just be a pain for your mother.

 

[Ezteq]

cannot offer any advice here but whatever you do I hope it works out for the best for all involved; give your cat an ear scratch from me
xxx

 

[Cerb]

Not sure about where you are, but I know my grandmother gets state funded home help that comes in for an hour every day, does the hard stuff she can't and helps her with dinner. My mother also visits once or twice a week but does it more out of want than need.

Having moved to the states one of the things that eats me most is not being able to help her so I appreciate where you are coming from a little.

My mother was an only child and I am an only child. This means that I am the only "male" family member mt grandmother can rely on to do (forgive me for stereotyping here) the "manly" stuff for her. When I was living in Ireland I would go to her place at least once every 2 weeks or so and change bulbs/mow the lawn/chop wood/bring enough wood and peat in to last till my next visit/ any other fixing that needed to be done.

It really genuinely bothers me that I can't do this anymore

 

[Lamp]

My condolences m8. Must be unbelievably sad seeing your mum like that. Even if you took care of her yourself, in later years you'd still be kicking yourself that you could have done more or should have done something different. You have to live your own life. A home is one solution, and you can visit as often as you're able to.

My dad & his brother put my grandma into a home after realising that it just wasn't practical for either of them to personally look after her. They visited once or twice a week, every week until she passed away. In their eyes they couldn't have done more for her. The sadness & pain never really goes, but all you can do is what you think is the right thing to do.

I wish you all the best matey.