Tsabo
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2004
- Messages
- 1,151
Not sure if many have seen these yet but here goes...
The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of
the human genome by honoring those who accidentally
kill themselves in really stupid ways.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order, are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow
tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family was very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch
of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"Major trauma.
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
his peers.
And the winnder....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the
height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than
his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest
link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle
was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from
the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the
course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of
the human genome by honoring those who accidentally
kill themselves in really stupid ways.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order, are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow
tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family was very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch
of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"Major trauma.
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
his peers.
And the winnder....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the
height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than
his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest
link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle
was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from
the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the
course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
