old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2004
- Messages
- 45,210
So i decided on an old fashioned rip-off-change-things-a-rama to get my writing things started.
So without further ado...i give you...
The Cheese Shop Sketch from "The Instant Monty Python Record Collection"
No wait...The Weapon Shop Sketch!
(a norse walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Kobold Crafter: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Midgard Weapon Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, hunting near the hills of Galplen just now, trying to reach my daily quota of loot, and my blade got all chiselled.
O: Chiselled, sir?
C: Out of durability.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, i' wen' all 'broke-loike!
O: Ah, broke!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little trip to the local shops will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Werewolf pwning activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some sharp instrumentals!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy a weapon.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the skald!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the vocabulary muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on singing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some weaponsy please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about an alloy bearded axe?
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of bearded axes, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Axe of Modii?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, two Ghastly Axes, if you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Gleaming axe?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Runed Clay spear?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the delivery carriage broke down.
C: Ah. Alloy Moon Claw?
O: Sorry.
C: Dull Fang? Frozen moon claw?
O: No.
C: Any Alloy daggers, per chance.
O: No.
C: Blodsnitt?
O: No.
C: Blodsverd?
O: No.
C: Alloy hammer?
O: No.
C: Ashen Maul?
O: No.
C: Blessed Northern Hammer?
O: <pause> No.
C: Great hammer?
O: No.
C: Blackhearted Spear?
O: No.
C: Alloy trident, alloy lugged spear, alloy great spear, dragon-shadow great sword, drakulv militia sword?
O: No.
C: Firesteel, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have a Firesteel, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit poor quality...
C: Oh, I like it that way.
O: Well,.. It's very poor quality, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the sword ze la flames! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit too poor quality than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking poor quality it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! <pause>
C: What now?
O: My guildmate has it.
C: <pause> Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Steel claw greave?
O: No.
C: Steel bladed moon claw?
O: No.
C: Runic manslayer?
O: No.
C: Pitted bloodied coral sword?
O: No.
C: Sword of smack?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some weapons, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a weapon shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Traitor's Bane.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Tailor Bane, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Runewood staff?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Runic ember?
O: no
C: Steel Shod Staff,
O: no
C: Vind etset staff,
O: no
C: tomte rune staff,
O: no
C: oaken staff,
O: no
C: regal lupine staff,
O: no
C: Rigid Runed Spine?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about a steel dagger?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most common weapon in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: <slight pause> and what IS the most popular weapon 'round hyah?
O: Alloy throwing axes, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...Alloy throwing axes, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a weapon shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by weapons....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Njessi Bone Hammer, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THE F*CK UP! (to the skald)
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got a Njessi Bone Hammer?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any weapons here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not even an arrow. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a bow and shoots the owner.
C: What a *senseless* waste of player life.
So without further ado...i give you...
The Cheese Shop Sketch from "The Instant Monty Python Record Collection"
No wait...The Weapon Shop Sketch!
(a norse walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Kobold Crafter: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Midgard Weapon Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, hunting near the hills of Galplen just now, trying to reach my daily quota of loot, and my blade got all chiselled.
O: Chiselled, sir?
C: Out of durability.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, i' wen' all 'broke-loike!
O: Ah, broke!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little trip to the local shops will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Werewolf pwning activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some sharp instrumentals!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy a weapon.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the skald!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the vocabulary muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on singing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some weaponsy please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about an alloy bearded axe?
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of bearded axes, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Axe of Modii?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, two Ghastly Axes, if you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Gleaming axe?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Runed Clay spear?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the delivery carriage broke down.
C: Ah. Alloy Moon Claw?
O: Sorry.
C: Dull Fang? Frozen moon claw?
O: No.
C: Any Alloy daggers, per chance.
O: No.
C: Blodsnitt?
O: No.
C: Blodsverd?
O: No.
C: Alloy hammer?
O: No.
C: Ashen Maul?
O: No.
C: Blessed Northern Hammer?
O: <pause> No.
C: Great hammer?
O: No.
C: Blackhearted Spear?
O: No.
C: Alloy trident, alloy lugged spear, alloy great spear, dragon-shadow great sword, drakulv militia sword?
O: No.
C: Firesteel, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have a Firesteel, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit poor quality...
C: Oh, I like it that way.
O: Well,.. It's very poor quality, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the sword ze la flames! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit too poor quality than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking poor quality it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! <pause>
C: What now?
O: My guildmate has it.
C: <pause> Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Steel claw greave?
O: No.
C: Steel bladed moon claw?
O: No.
C: Runic manslayer?
O: No.
C: Pitted bloodied coral sword?
O: No.
C: Sword of smack?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some weapons, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a weapon shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Traitor's Bane.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Tailor Bane, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Runewood staff?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Runic ember?
O: no
C: Steel Shod Staff,
O: no
C: Vind etset staff,
O: no
C: tomte rune staff,
O: no
C: oaken staff,
O: no
C: regal lupine staff,
O: no
C: Rigid Runed Spine?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about a steel dagger?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most common weapon in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: <slight pause> and what IS the most popular weapon 'round hyah?
O: Alloy throwing axes, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...Alloy throwing axes, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a weapon shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by weapons....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Njessi Bone Hammer, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THE F*CK UP! (to the skald)
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got a Njessi Bone Hammer?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any weapons here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not even an arrow. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a bow and shoots the owner.
C: What a *senseless* waste of player life.
