O
old.coolme
Guest
Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
_________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.
_________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
_______________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
_________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.
_________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
_______________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
