Choices...

[kirennia]

This is something I think I've already sorted the answer for in my head but thought I'd pose the conundrum anyway to get others viewpoints on whether I'm being harsh or not.

I'm currently in the third year of a programming degree, due to end during may but having a submission for the largest piece of work I've ever had to do by the end of april. With this taken into consideration, a great friend whom I've known for the past 15 years is getting married at the end of may which I've been asked to be the best man for.

The problem is, he's wanting his stag do before the end of april and no-one I've talked to out of my friends seems to see why I'm thinking of funding, but not participating in the stag do. The problem is this isn't some mickey mouse degree; I've got a fuck load of work to do and quite honestly, taking some 3-4days out close to the project deadline when I seem to be someone who performs best under pressure is going to effect my grade. Personally I beleive it to be the difference between grade boundaries.

Luckily, he has a 2nd best man as well which alleviates(sp?) the pressure a bit but I'd feel absolutely gutted to miss this... he doesn't, on the flip side, seem willing to negotiate the date for the stag do to a time when I'd be guaranteed to have finished my degree.

Being someone attempting to become a directx programmer, grades are more then important for me... without them, I suddenly become a nobody (as far as I see it... not being considered for any job in that area) in the industry so the question is, what would you do in my shoes?

The annoying thing is I don't even know when my exams are but I'm pretty certain I know a definitive final date and go after that but he wants it done and dusted a month before the wedding.

Phone and give an ultimatum? Can't think of any other way...

 

[Ch3tan]

You should just explain why you cannot go, being a good friend does not involve giving people ultimatums. You should not fuck your degree for a few nights out, and he should not expect you to.

Can you not do something on a smaller scale with him, maybe just you two, once you have finished? Let him enjoy the big stag with those that can make it.

 

[Thorwyn]

Explain the situation to him. If he insists on his plans, he´s just selfish or unable to understand the dimensions of your concerns. At any rate, don´t miss your grades.

On a sidenote: at least in the games industry, your programming skills are far more important than your grades. If you´re good, you will be hired and become "someone". A former co-worker of mine had a degree in physics, but he never studied programming. He was just good at gfx programming and directx. He had serveral offers for highly payed jobs and is now working in iceland on a new MMO. Pretty impressive....

 

[old.Tohtori]

Few days?
Second best man?
Not getting work before bros?

Hell, you're not setting up a stag party, your'e setting up a bridal shower

One night, go out, get drunk, do weird sh*t, get married, be happy.

And if you'r etelling me you're a student who can't get pissed on one night, i'd like those books back please.

 

[Cadelin]

Few days?

Yes, it seems especially in the UK that a single stag night is not enough. They are becoming stag weekends or even stag weeks. You go on holiday (often to a place like Amsterdam) and behave disgracefully for several days.


If the stag do is more than one day there will be more than just you who has problems arranging to go. If you can't take the time off, you can't take the time off. One evening won't impact your degree but a week certainly could.

If you don't mind the financial implications you can always offer to pay for an additional more civilized stag night. Find a decent restaurant that does something he likes (steak for example), you can also pay for some decent alcohol! Make sure all the important people can come and have a decent meal and then get everybody to tell you stories about him for the best man speech.....

 

[old.Tohtori]

Hmh.

So the special "our own not your day forever" ain' enough for these f*ckers anymore...i miss the old days

 

[Garaen]

To be fair, a few days is nothing considering you have months to work ahead, especially as it is a long time friend of 15 years. You can make as many excuses as you want for yourself but in years to come he'll always remember the fact that you didn't go. Go to it, have a few days to relax and unwind and then you can come back and crack on with your dissertation/project feeling relaxed.

Alternatively, instead of going for a 3-4 day bender just go on 1 or maybe 2 of the main nights out.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Alternatively, anyone who puts you in an ultimatum situation" you must come to my wedding youz my friiiend!", is also wrong.

 

[Cadelin]

To be fair, a few days is nothing considering you have months to work ahead, especially as it is a long time friend of 15 years. You can make as many excuses as you want for yourself but in years to come he'll always remember the fact that you didn't go. Go to it, have a few days to relax and unwind and then you can come back and crack on with your dissertation/project feeling relaxed.

Alternatively, instead of going for a 3-4 day bender just go on 1 or maybe 2 of the main nights out.

If he is a long term friend he won't mind if you can't make it to the stag week.

You can make as many excuses as you want for yourself but in years to come if you miss out on that first or 2.1 by a couple of marks you will kick yourself for wasting a week at such an important time... (Your argument works both ways)

 

[Ezteq]

only you know what you are capable of and how far you can push your luck, if you are comforatble with it then do it if you dont think you can then don't you don't really want to fool about with something as important as this tbh, you have to think of the long game.

 

[pikeh]

Havn't read the other replies, but this has happened to me a few times on occasion. If people are in the same boat as you, its easy for them to understand, but hard for outsiders to get it completely.

I was lucky as the majority of my mates were doing the exact same course, so we had to work to similiar deadlines. If we needed a quiet night in just to crack on with it, people generally understood.

I would just tell him that its a really bad time for you; you havn't worked hard for three years just to shit all on it in the last week or so.

 

[kirennia]

Cheers for the replies guys; I realise now ultimatum is a word taken strongly by some... all I mean by it is either it's done a week before the wedding or I'm in this predicament, hence the possible need for mentioning this.

The problem is that he's chosen two best men which while annoying, does serve to release some of the pressure from me but at the same time, the other guy doesn't completely appreciate my concerns. Everytime I've mentioned the possibility of not going, he's shot it down using various, pretty predictable responces. It isn't looking to be a couple of nights affair, more so a long weekend, abroad. I would suggest otherwise but having already heard that he's pretty much expecting an overseas stag-do... which has annoyed me more then a little... I wouldn't be the one to turn around and say no, it's got to be based in the UK for me.

To be fair, a few days is nothing considering you have months to work ahead, especially as it is a long time friend of 15 years.

Four days, returning on the morning four days before the biggest hand-in of my life isn't nothing (bear in mind, how many people returning from stag do's have recovered the moment they return back home). I have under 3 months to do a project which I don't think I can do in 6 so 4 days is a large chunk of time, especially as I said, being a person who works best under pressure (which doesn't mean I'm gonna slack until then). Don't take that comment the wrong way, I do appreciate the feedback though.


I've basically already sorted in my head that I wont be going... I'll be funding it although that isn't really the point but I just know it's going to end up biting me in the ass if I do. I've known him longer then any other friend which makes it harder but I suppose as some have said, he should understand...