Best Family Guy/American Dad quotes.

[Jjuraa]

spawned from the Best Simpsons Quotes thread, i just find Family Guy and American Dad a lot funnier. so il start off:



American Dad:

(Steve (the dad) reminiscing about how he captured his now-wifes heart by mercy killing a racoon he had just run over)

"She said it was the most compasionate act she'd ever witnessed. Plus i got to shoot something! it was a magical moment."




Family Guy:

Therapist: I'd like to try setting up cameras all around your house so i can observe your behavioural patterns at all times.
Peter: Wow just like that show Big Brother <pause> except someone will be watching.

 

[Ezteq]

rofl not exactly a quote but from family guy xmas episode

theres a gift shaped like a bottle of wine under the tree and som one says "oooh Wonder What That Is/" [dripping sarcasm]

opens it and its a book

"wow thats a surprise"

but what had me in bits was that I had a bottle shaped gift under the tree from my bf, i was in bits.

 

[Lakashnik]

to many to name without having to go through explaining them all.
but if any1 knows them they will chuckle.

Peter: UH-OHhhhh.


Peter:If lois finds out i lost my job she'll hit me with a frying pan, thats why im going to drink this frying pan antidote.
*hands brian a frying pan*
Peter: Hit me
*smack*
Peter: nope didnt work
*falls over*


Beautiful man: when ur beautiful u dont have to wait in line, people bag ur shoppin and take it to ur car for u.
Peter: wow and look those doors just opened themselves for me because im beautiful.
Beautiful man: actually it was because u stepped on that lil black mat there.
Peter: Oh
Beautiful man: but if that mat wasnt there it would still open because ur beautiful.

when peter becomes the boss of the toy company, hes sat in his office with nothing to do.
Peter: well i better get to work
he looks around abit then picks up the 3pencils sat on his desk and puts em into the electric pencil sharpener untill they are tiny. then trys putting in his finger and lets out a little ow. then he stands up and it cuts outside his door and u hear a zipper then jsut hear him screaming.


same episode is when they are deciding on a new face for eldorado cigarettes.
"our new spokesman is... THAT GUY"
cuts to peter in his office about to stick his tongue into a moving fan.

awww to many bits to write me all now.

 

[Rediknight]

*after finding a lump on Peter's man-boob*
Lois: "We have to go to the doctor and get it examined, whilst theres still time!"
Peter: "No no, Lois. The safest thing to do is ignore it and pretend it's not there... Just like we do with the squid"
*cut to massive squid sitting at breakfast table lookin mean, smashes the plates off the table*
Peter: "Truck going by"
Lois: "Earthquake"

Peter: "Aww, Lois - you're my silver medal"

Peter: "Lets face it Brian, im a awful father, a terrible husband and a snappy dresser..."

*Hansons tour bus pulls up outside Griffin house"
Peter: "HOLY CRAP!! IT'S THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!!!"
*Shoots them with a shotgun*

and finally:



(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're having the time of our lives.

(Stewie) (Take it dog...)

(Brian) We're quite a pair of partners,
Just Like Thelma and Louise.
'cept you're not six feet tall

(Stewie) Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
(Brian) (Give it time.)

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island,
We're certainly going in style.

(Brian) I'm with an intellectual, who craps inside his pants.
(Stewie) How dare you. At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
(Brian) (Oh, pee jokes)

(Both) We've traveled a bit and we've found,
Like a masochist in Newport we're Rhode Island bound.

((Brian) Crazy travel conditions, huh?
(Stewie) First class or no class
(Brian) Whoa, careful with that joke, it's an antique)

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're not going to stop until we're there
(Brian) Maybe for a beer.

(Brian) Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry
(Stewie) That's right, until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die. (Please!)

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island,
The home of that old campus swing.

(Brian) We may pick up some college girls, and picnic on the grass.
(Stewie) We'd tell you more, but we'd have the censors on our ass.
(Brian) (Yikes!)

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We certainly do get around.
Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims
Who are thrown out of Plymouth colony.
We're Rhode Island bound.
Or like a group of college freshmen
who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown!

We're Rhode Island Bound..


:worthy:

 

[Rediknight]

Posted this one separate, seeing as it maybe baleted, or someone might get offended - it's the episode they never showed, as fox had some issue with it, but it was on the DvD...

Such an awesome song


Nothing else has worked so far,
So I’ll wish upon a star,
Wondrous sparkling speck of light,
I need a Jew...

Lois makes me take the rap,
Because our checkbook looks like crap,
Since I can't give her a slap,
I need a Jew...

Where to find
A bum or stien or stein
To teach me how to whine
And do my taxes...

Though by many they're abhorred,
Hebrew people I’ve adored,
Even though they killed my lord,
I need a Jew!

Max:
Hi, my name's Max Weinstein,
my car just broke down,
can I use you phone?

Peter:
Now my troubles are all through
I have a Jew!


:worthy: :worthy: :worthy:

 

[haarewin]

roger: no no steve, don't come near this bush. that burrito did a number on my alien stomach.
steve: lets just go home
roger: *sigh* too bad, guess i'll never find my special power.
(he made a turd that was solid gold and covered in jewels)


stan: stop! im not a terrorist! i cant even grow a beard.

 

[Jjuraa]

dont know why i forgot this one at first:

Lois: God i swear sometimes its like being married to a child.
Peter: Well if im a child then you know what that makes you Lois? A paedophile. And im damned if im going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

 

[Orenthal]

family guy > everythin

 

[Rediknight]

family guy > everythin

QFE

Peter: "But Lois, you're not meant to admire disabled people, you're meant to pity them! You worship the ground he can't walk on"

:worthy: :worthy: :worthy:

 

[Bubble]

Lois: 37 beers. You’re setting a great example for the kids, Peter.
Chris: Yeah, a new family record, way to raise the bar Dad.
Lois: Chris, you’re 13. Don’t talk like that.
Peter: Now, kids Daddy only drank so The Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

 

[Bubble]

dont know why i forgot this one at first:

Lois: God i swear sometimes its like being married to a child.
Peter: Well if im a child then you know what that makes you Lois? A paedophile. And im damned if im going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

i remember the first time i heard that, couldn't stop laughing

 

[Bori]

Ooh, this sounds nice, where can I get a copy of some episodes? Never watch TV more or less..

 

[Darksword]

Ooh, this sounds nice, where can I get a copy of some episodes? Never watch TV more or less..

play.com or you could download them

 

[Rediknight]

Lois: "Peter!! You're drunk!!"
Peter: "I'm not drunk, i'm tired - i've been up all night drinking!"

Peter: "Hey Lois, have you seen my false beard, i nee... AWW CRAP, i'm stuck in the stairs..."

Stewie: "DAMN YOU TOMMY TWO-TONE!! Hmm, theres only one option... one, one, one, one one one one... Lois? DAMN! one, one, one, one one one two... Lois? DAMN! one, one, one, one one one three.. Lois? DAMN!!"

Stewie: "Oh, look, it's cirrhosis-the-wonder-dog... look at the state of you..."
Bryan: (slurred) "I'm not drunk, i have a speech impediment..." ((spews)) "and a stomach bug..." ((falls off of stool)) "and an inner ear infection!!"