A teaser for my story :P

[Morphius]

The ice cold wind blew, and the rain came down heavily on the party of men. There were eight of them, their faces hidden under the shadows cast by their cloaks. They were travelling with immense speed, tracking a similar party of Hibernians, their rivals you could say. For the past week they have been entering brief skirmishes each time the Hibs had prevailed victorious, the 2 Clerics coped they were hard pushed but managed to keep their companions on there feet.

They were chasing with such intent because word had reached their ears that the Hibernians had lost one of the party as he had fallen under the grip of disease and could not continue. The Albions would not usually attack an enemy party which they out numbered but this group was different, it had 2 Bainshee’s running with it. The Bainshee was a dying profession, its mentors were dying and the older bainshees were hanging up their robes and staves and settling down to let others have their glory. Most party would pray to have one Bainshee running with them; any group with two was praised and feared throughout Europe.

If you think it's crap i'll change the plot but if u like i'll continue!

 

[Infanity]

Me likes =D

 

[Bahumat]

try and work on your descriptive technique.

its good what your writing but its how your writing, im no expert ofc but your telling us 30 different things in 5 lines.

they would not attack these usually
had 2 bainshee's
dying profession
hanging up staves/retiring
people fearing 2 bainshee's

it felt a little like this

and this group had a poisoned member and it had 2 bainshee's and they are awesome and their are not alot of 2 bainshee groups and the others retired and and and.

maybe im wrong, maybe im overly harsh but its a slightly extreme explanation of what i meant.

 

[Morphius]

The ice cold wind blew, and the dim light of the moon shone down on the valleys of Breifine. There was a slight dusting of snow on the hills, enough to show which way the party of Hibernians were heading. There was eight of them, each more mysterious than the last. They wore fine armour and long dark cloaks which shadowed the expressions of their battle scarred faces. The only sounds which could be heard under the sound of the wind was the muffle of feet compressing the fresh snow as they drudged through the valley.

“Lets rest here, the weather is worsening and we could all the sleep. I expect we will engage in a lot of fights tomorrow and I want everyone to be ready!” The Elf told his party, no-one answered, they just did as he said and set up camp for the night. The Elf’s name was Angrod; he was leading this party of men back from recently assaulting the Hibernian keep Dun Da Bhen, which had been taken from them by the forces of Albion. He had led regular skirmishes against the guards and cut off its supplies. He intended to do this until reinforcements arrived but the forces of Midgard, aware of the action in the south, decided to attack Dun Crauchon, Hibernia’s frontier stronghold.

The night passed, and the weather did, as predicted worsen. Fortunately the young Bainshee Feanaro had cast a shield over the camp and the snow, stopped by the barrier did not embed the party in over six foot of snow.

“Good job Fea, that’s what I like to see in my apprentices, thinking on there feet, you may turn out to be a great bainshee one day.” Angrod complimented Feanaro.

“Thank you sir, I do my best!” Feanaro replied cheerfully as Angrod didn’t often pass out the compliments.

The camp was soon packed up and the party continued on their long hike to the fields of Emain Macha. They made good progress, aided of course by their bard Elladan’s speed song. Dun Na Nged was soon just a dot behind them on the horizon and Dun Crauchon was becoming visible, only just but it was visible on the horizon in front , not only was DC visible but also a great plume of smoke.

“Look the smoke! DC it’s been destroyed!” Fea cried.

“Don’t be so hasty on your judgements Fea, we would’ve heard news if the city had been taken!” Angrod calmed his companion.


attempt two

 

[Bahumat]

ahhhh much better

 

[Ezteq]

tbh its really good, i dont know if this will help or not but when i write i read it through out loud as i'm writing, like im narrating over the radio (it feels pretty silly but it really helps) because words that you think fit sometimes dont when you say it aloud.

When you go for descriptions try several different ones (your not in a rush to finish this tale are you?) on for size and see which one goes best. Short snappy ones that get right to the point are great but you have too many short snappy ones your get something that sounds like the voice over from Dragnet and too many long in depth ones your readers will likely be dead from old age by the second chapter, which is why its so important to read it out loud.

When i write i also try and visualise the scene in my mind before i write anything like i'm watching it on a tv, so i can see in 3d whats going on and i just do a small bit at a time so i've time to write what ive seen.

i hope this helps a bit, im not a professional i just really enjoy writing and this is how i do it, but ultimately you'll have your own way of doing it which will suit you best, any hoo, its looking good so keep going and dont worry if it goes a bit pear shaped, thats why we have a delete key