stubbyrulz
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 597
101rules of death metal
- Thread starter stubbyrulz
- Start date
99. Hate In Flames
100. You liked Inflames 3 years ago, but now you've always hated them.
True enough, last two albums were not what any old fan really wanted out of em, if your extra br00tal the span is even larger dating back to mid 90's.
100. You liked Inflames 3 years ago, but now you've always hated them.
True enough, last two albums were not what any old fan really wanted out of em, if your extra br00tal the span is even larger dating back to mid 90's.
Mobius
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 2,730
Here is the Black Metal version..I am fucking lol irl atm. 
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
stubbyrulz
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 597
- Thread starter
- #10
aha what a dick head and he says daoc people are bad btw i think the 101 rules of black metal are brutal :>Tom said:
Bodhi
Once agreed with Scouse and a LibDem at same time
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,287
I tried to come up with a list of things you forgot to mention, but they all seemed to revolve around death metal being fucking shit. That must be death metal's problem. It's really fucking shit.Tom said:
Bodhi
Once agreed with Scouse and a LibDem at same time
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,287
Derric said:Yay, it got something in common with your brain then.
Ah you're from Sweden. You must fucking LOVE death metal then. Would explain the totally uncalled for insult. Just cos you like the shittest music on the planet is no excuse to insult my intelligence tbh.
Derric
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 1,377
Bodhi said:
Just because you're a narrowminded teenager doesn't give you the right to insult other people's choice of music in a childish way like that.
Now I know that my reply wasn't the most mature, but you kinda set the standards.
I know that people of your age think it's cool to type nasty words like "shit" and "fuck", but please, do it someplace else.
Thanks.
Bodhi
Once agreed with Scouse and a LibDem at same time
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,287
Er, fuck off ****? Just because I relax into the more profane verbs whilst posting here, does not mean I'm a teenager by any stretch of the imagination. I think you'll find I'm actually very open minded when it comes to music - my collection has examples from just about every genre under the sun. Except death metal. That not tell you something?
If it doesn't I'll tell you what it tells me. It tells me that death metal is fucking shit. End of discussion.
If it doesn't I'll tell you what it tells me. It tells me that death metal is fucking shit. End of discussion.
maxi
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 460
Bodhi said:
I don't like Death Metal, I don't like the aesthetic, or the general attitude... my views are documented...i do understand that a lot of Death Metal bands are fucking amazing musicians though.
It's pretty cliche to say you're music taste is eclectic, everyone thinks that their music taste is eclectic..it means twat all though, when all you listen to is what you read about in Q
harebear
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2003
- Messages
- 2,647
I dont see why the people that dont like black/death metal etc all gotta say how its so 'fucking shit', like someone else said (forgot who) alot of them are very talanted musicians, even the singers have some 'skill', I would like to hear all of you try sing like them (gifv some audio samples for laugh ). But still im sure that some of the people here that do actually like the death metal etc, and really hate other types of music, dont go swearing about it all the time and saying how they dislike it in the same way you do. I guess when you say its 'fucking shit' you are saying that its not good musically, which isnt really true with alot of bands (yes i know some bands are not actually that great at playing).
). But still im sure that some of the people here that do actually like the death metal etc, and really hate other types of music, dont go swearing about it all the time and saying how they dislike it in the same way you do. I guess when you say its 'fucking shit' you are saying that its not good musically, which isnt really true with alot of bands (yes i know some bands are not actually that great at playing). 
Dillinja
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 3,056
Metal was a genre created for depressed teenagers with an 'I hate the world, but I'm not going to do anything about it.' attitude. 99.9% of it really is junk. The other 0.1% is mediocre at best. I agree that some of the musicians in these bands may be very talented but, even then, the music is almost always ruined by a poor vocalist. Most people who listen to metal listen to it for what they think it means rather than how it sounds in my opinion.
harebear
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2003
- Messages
- 2,647
Well the only reason I listen to any music is because I like how it sounds, will listen to any type of music really just mainly metal because it sounds better to me
(And ye the depressed thing is true, always people like that at school who say they slit their wrists etc and its complete bullshit tbh, music is for entertainment)
(And ye the depressed thing is true, always people like that at school who say they slit their wrists etc and its complete bullshit tbh, music is for entertainment)
ArrrImmaPir8!
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- May 13, 2004
- Messages
- 133
Dillinja said:
That's quite funny from someone who listens to Drum and Bass considering that thrash metal is almost interchangeable. The fact that you're named after one of the least talented Drum and Bass musicians is double plus funny!
ArrrImmaPir8!
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- May 13, 2004
- Messages
- 133
Athena said:
I'll reply by inviting him to listen to the latest Ram Raiders dubplate, specifically A1 and ask him to explain exactly what sort of song it is, and why, if as he seems to be suggesting, that any similarities between thrash and DnB are a product of the clueless mind, are most of the major jump up djs playing a thrash song.
Of course, I'd hate to argue with a stoner from St Andrews who no doubt spends every night at those major Scottish DnB nights.
Athena
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 234
'Bodhi' replies to 'ArrrImmaPir8!' by requesting you leave the personal attacks at the door. If you are who he thinks he is, he feels there are many attacks he could bring into play (taste , or rather lack of in shirts would be a good start), so don't go there.
Anyway, your theory seems to get shafted in two ways :-
1) I have yet to hear a DnB tune that sounds anything like the Slayer or Anthrax tunes I used to listen to when i was about 15. You know, cos only a completely tone-deaf idiot could confuse a guitar with a drum machine.
2) I've been to many events now, from Pendulum in Glasgow through Concorde Dawn in Edinburgh to multiple raves in the Secret Nuclear Bunker. Not once, and I mean once did a thrash song come on. And trust me, I would have remembered if it had, considering I used to love thrash and probably would have gone insane
So basically, I've been really into DnB for about 3 months now. And I already seem to know more than you. Dear oh dear. Maybe a career in shirt selling beckons (O.K I had to get one in there. Like for like and all that)
Anyway, your theory seems to get shafted in two ways :-
1) I have yet to hear a DnB tune that sounds anything like the Slayer or Anthrax tunes I used to listen to when i was about 15. You know, cos only a completely tone-deaf idiot could confuse a guitar with a drum machine.
2) I've been to many events now, from Pendulum in Glasgow through Concorde Dawn in Edinburgh to multiple raves in the Secret Nuclear Bunker. Not once, and I mean once did a thrash song come on. And trust me, I would have remembered if it had, considering I used to love thrash and probably would have gone insane
So basically, I've been really into DnB for about 3 months now. And I already seem to know more than you. Dear oh dear. Maybe a career in shirt selling beckons (O.K I had to get one in there. Like for like and all that)
