The Trials of Archeon (In Atlantis)

[Archeon]

Hmm... I get the feeling this is premature, still... it's not like I’ve done much right in my life. Why start now?

Reasons for doing this were more than I wanted... maybe even needed to have some kind of creative vent for the rage and frustration I keep bottled up inside me. Writing crappy humour seemed like a good way to do it, thus: The Misadventures Part2 was born. Ignore the attempt at insightfulness at the front; I was all weepy when I did that. Just use some tippex to cover it over and replace it with "I hate people" for that genuine 'Archeon Inc.' feel.

The Misadventures of Archeon and his Moody Message System: The Trails of Archeon (in Atlantis)!!

I do appologies though, it's .Doc or nothing on this one. It would look nice in Freddyshouse colours, but since they disabled the [colour] tag's it wouldn't really do it justice... that and it would make it even more difficult to read.

By clicking the link you absolve Archeon Inc. of any damages; physical, mental or emotional caused unto your persons.


I'd say enjoy, but that would imply your likely to find it funny. Instead, I’ll just say this:

Try not to scream.

SeeYa in New Frontiers.

[Sanzor]

Imo you should link your prevíous Moody Systems too :-P
I like the first one ^^

[Helme]

Very nice, had a great laught at some of them

[Tasslehoff]

I read 21 pages. Then I couldn´t go on anymore. Must say they were really a laugh though

[Chronictank]

lol
nice lunch time reading

[Larc]

Can't you convert it to HTML form? The angel on my shoulder tells me not to dl .doc

[Archeon]

Originally Posted by Larc

Can't you convert it to HTML form? The angel on my shoulder tells me not to dl .doc

If you could tell me roughly how i'd give it a go.

[Penlid]

The Epilogue!
(Which didn’t conform with the un-politically correct ideal that it should always be at the end)

Well I only call it that because ‘Fore Note’ sounds kind of plain, but Epilogue sounds… well… Epic! Which is what ToA is… supposed to be isn’t it? I’m not going to pretend I enjoy it all the time, in fact a far amount of the time I’m screaming and asking myself what the hell Mythic were thinking! It’s a good thing there are so many flaws in it, as a non-tank I’m not afraid to admitting I’ve had to exploit a few of those flaws to get the trials done. Try doing ML2.8 with a sub-50 caster and you’ll understand what I mean.

I actually started the Trials of Archeon on the day I got ToA. I’m not really sure why, or at least I wasn’t at the time the more I thought about it the more I started to work it out. In any case, I’ll try to explain how even though this is really a joke piece there is some kind of higher meaning too it. At least from my eyes, it might sound stupid but this is what I believe…

We’ve all got our good points and our bad, that’s what makes us human. I’m not the brightest person in terms of academics; I’m not going to win an Olympic gold medal either. I stutter when I’m nervous and I have difficulty facing up to my fears, especially my almost irrational fear of spiders. Those are just a handful of my bad points, I try in my own small way but when compared to the achievements of others it’s unlikely I’ll ever amount to anything more than some guy working behind a desk for most of his life before retiring and spending the rest of his days playing golf. But that’s ok, not everyone can be Superman and even if its on a less grand scale I’d like to think I contribute something to the lives of the people I touch.

A light-hearted disposition and humour are two of the traits I’ve been accused of having, so this is my gift. To the people of the DAoC community, from the hardcore RvR players who will most likely click this link thinking it leads to XML stats. To the PvE players who will likely scoff at me because I didn’t write this in perfect ye’olde English. By and large your all great people even if some of the time we let ourselves get caught up in our anonymity. At the end of the day you can’t judge a book by its cover and you can’t judge a player by his realm points

I hope that at least gives some measure of insight into why I did this; maybe I’m seeking higher purpose in something that really isn’t that important? I’ll bet if you stared at a tin of beans for long enough you could unlock the mysteries of the universe. Still in my own small way I’m proud that I was able to do this.

It might not be much, but it’s all I can do.

- Archeon / Chris.



Archeon And His Moody Message System: The Trials Of Archeon!!! (In Atlantis)



Thursday 26th February:
Archeon: OH YEAH TRIALS OF ATLANTIS!!!!!!
“Hmm… got to hand it too you Arch, this new custom skin is very comfortable”
Archeon: Thanks, be glad I got it when I did. The Custom UI skins are being camped by Europeans, there isn’t enough Bandwidth to go around and I hear the Germans have started throwing sausages at the French.
“Viva La France”


Hall of Heroes
“Archeon, you’ve been standing here for three hours now”
Archeon: the light… it’s so beautiful
“Archeon snap out of it!!”
Archeon: and the walls…
“ARCHEON!!!!”
Archeon: and the ground…
“Fuck this, I’m going to get some coffee. Call me when your not overwhelmed by how pretty everything is”


Oceanus Haven
“Oh for…”
Archeon: the Sea… it’s so beautiful
“Yeah, yeah that’s great”
Archeon: and the sky… hasn’t actually changed… But the trees, there so pretty
“I can see this is going to be a running trend, I knew I should never have signed that contract. I mean I had my evil talent agency? Why did I need to go through the hell of working with Archeon again?”


The Water Outside Oceanus Haven
Archeon: How do I dive?
”According to your manual it’s the ‘Z’ button by default”
Archeon: I’m Underwater… it’s so beautiful…
“Oh for… hello? What’s this…”?
Archeon: pretty…
“Ho-ho, this’ll be fun”
“You are drowning and take 5% damage”
Archeon: pretty… wtf? I’m losing health? WHATS GOING ON!!!!!
“Your losing hull pressure, quick switch to the auxiliary generators!!”
“You are drowning and take 5% damage”
Archeon: What?
“Reroute emergency power through the shield generators to create a static warp bubble!!”
“You are drowning and take 5% damage”
“Archeon Dies!”
Archeon: Why did I die?
“Why didn’t you drink a water breathing potion like I told you?”

Master Level 1 – The first step in many, I’m actually a little in awe over how the American’s were able to do this. Having suffered two trips to the ‘states and both times been so overwhelmed by how stupid the majority of them seem to be this is no small concession on my part.

I said before TOA came out I’d be one of the people who would enjoy the challenge of finding the trials out for myself and not reading the walkthroughs… boy did that one ever come back and bite me in the ass. Maybe I’d have been able to work it out, but to be honest I guess I didn’t realise at the time just how vast TOA was, or how little patience I had for something which is supposedly a leisure activity.

Master Level… 0.0!!
Archeon: All right, I’m on an ML RAID!
“Hell Yeah!!!”
Archeon: And we’ve done 1.1!!!
“Booyah!”
Archeon: 1.2 – this is easy
“Oh I forgot to mention, you haven’t actually started the ML’s yet so your not actually getting credit for this”
Archeon: 1.3, WHAT!!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THING!!!!!
“I’m sorry, you must have me confused for somebody who doesn’t enjoy watching you suffer”


Solo Steps – The ML1 solo step annoys me, in fact all the solo steps I’ve done annoy me to be honest. I had trouble doing them at lvl50 with all my characters, my Healer the most though as I managed to pick the ‘Warrior’ first so I was up against a blocking machine wearing a mixture of Epic/TG armours. Needless to say first time around I was eaten alive.

Master Level 1.5!!
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA….”
“AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!
“I’m sorry… I can… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Archeon: Shut up already, you’ve been laughing for half an hour now
“And? Its so cute watching you try to hit him”
Archeon: I didn’t know he had a shield!!!!!
“I really can’t stop laugh… AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”

Group Steps – What to say about these? Having done them more times than is strictly necessary… I hate them, for the amount of running around you had to do even today there are people who for some reason I just can’t understand point blank refuse to make the trip to the housing zone and buying crafter breathing pots. Which means you can’t use them yourself because they’ll lose stick and it slows everyone down.

Master Level 1.1!
Archeon: How long now?
“Ten Minutes”
Archeon: And the auto release timer is how long?
“About 20 minutes at a guess”
Archeon: So assuming his group doesn’t make it back by the time he auto releases, it’ll be our turn
“Funnily enough even if they do they won’t be able to get back onto the island”
Archeon: I’m getting visions of doom…. DOOM I SAY!!!

<Ten Minutes Later>

Archeon: Finally, Right – 1.1!!!
“Hmm… Too late”
Archeon: Wha?
“Looks like the people on the other side were faster than you”
Archeon: but… but…
“Look on the bright side, it’s a good guild. They’ll be… oh their done”
Archeon: looks like they didn’t even have time to say ‘Ha! This’ll be easy’

<Five Minutes Later>

Archeon: MY HAIR!!! IT’S ON FIRE!!!!!
“Quick into the water!
Archeon: Right!
“Archeon Dies”
Archeon: The pain…
“If I had tear glands I’d be crying tears of joy right now”


Master Level 1.2!!
Lornas: Oh wow, so this is like The Archeon, where’s your message system?
Archeon: She’s right here. So what do we do?
Lornas: Well there was like… this thief… and he stole stuff… dude, is your face going blue?
“Ignore it, he’s drowning. So go on”
Lornas: Well this thief stole some of my stuff… so could you like… get it back… dude, seriously I don’t think humans are supposed to do that
“He’s got a high pain thresh-hold”
Lornas: But his heads like…
“High! Pain! Thresh-Hold!”

Master Level 1.4!!
“Barriers almost down!”
“Archeon?”
Alorah: Is he drowning again?
“I think he might be link-dead…

<Five Minutes Later>

Archeon: Fuck! Can we do that again? Please?

<Half an Hour Later>

“I could spawn him… I suppose… Or I could tell you I can spawn him, but that I don’t want too”
Archeon: You’re a bitch
“Archeon Dies”
“Woops”
Archeon: You’d think I’d remember you could do that wouldn’t you?


Master Level 1.6!
Archeon: Kirk… as in Captain James T?
Kirk: No, I’m the other Kirk. The big looming stone statue. Kirk-les
Archeon: Really… so never been on Star-Trek?
Kirk: I did play an extra once in the original series; they went to a planet with these big buildings. I played one of the statues holding the pillars
Archeon: Cool, so… William Shatner was he really…
Kirk: Yup.
Archeon: Highly disturbing Revelations!


Battle group Steps – Slightly more what I had in mind with TOA, minimal effort for maximum reward sums them up quite nicely. The biggest drawback, which was apparent back in my TG days was that unlike those where I could quite happily just yell out directions from time to time the Master-Level’s require a degree of control which can only be achieved by gripping people by the balls and squeezing every time they do something wrong. Not something I particularly like doing, hence my lack of presence on the ‘Raid-Leader’ scene since TOA went live.

Master Level 1.3!
Chief: AHAHAHAAA!!!! Fear my Zerg!!!
Archeon: Call that a Zerg? Boys!
Zerg: Roar?
Archeon: Sick’um
Zerg: RAGGRGAGAGAGAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Chief: Mother…


Master Level 1.7!!
“It was a tough fight, but we did it…”
Archeon: yeah and… Hey! I don’t have credit!
Jydan: I think we might have been on the wrong pads…
Archeon: … Well what did we get out of all that?
Jydan: 5 gold pieces and a broken statue arm
“I love ToA”
Archeon: Shut up you!
Master Level 1.8!!
Tank: Bleed Fortehwin!!!
All: NOOO
“Ring around the roses, a pocket full of posies, a-tissue, a-tissue. Every - body dies!”
Archeon: I think I’ve hit a new low
“I should have been a poet”


Master Level 1.9!
“Harpies Island? Doesn’t look so bad”
Archeon: Don’t say that you’ll jinx it!
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: what the…
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: God-damn it…
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: ouch…
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: that….
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: What the hell….
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: Goddamn….
“Your hit for 200 damage”
Archeon: Fuck…
“Archeon Dies”
“I need to learn how to do that, think if I ask nice they’ll tell me?”
Archeon: its got to be a bug
“What are GOA going to' do? Suspend my account?”

[Penlid]

.10 – It took me a while to get 1.10 done, I remember joining ML1 raids for a while before I finally latched onto one, which luckily enough didn’t disband halfway through. I don’t know why but I was expecting something akin to Spindhalla with a Scorpion monster… silly when you consider I’d heard nothing about it.

I was pleasantly surprised.

Master Level 1.10!!!
Archeon: Cetus is so… pretty…
“Oh not this again…”



Master Ability: Perfector 1!
Archeon: I NOW CAST MY ULTIMATE SPELL!!! THE SPELL TO END ALL SPELLS… I CAST…
“Group Cure Disease”
Archeon: GROUP CURE… What the hell? That’s it? For all that all I get is something designed to further push Healers into the realm of retarded one button spamming monkeys?
“I’d have thought you’d be happy their aiming for your end of the market”
Archeon:… Head… hurts… subtle insult… too… subtle…
“Wow, its like watching mental sumo-wrestling”


Artifact – What would a mockery of TOA be without pocking fun at Artifacts? Once I was a great crusader of the ‘why should you just be l33t without putting any effort into it?’ camp, now I’m kind of middle-ground. Mostly thanks to my trusty Scorpion Tail (ring), can somebody please explain to me why a ring, which is primarily designed for support classes, requires mobs, which don’t go any higher than red con? Hell, even the red cons aren’t worth going for the spawn rate is so slow – so I was essentially stuck killing orange cons until I finally gave up and told myself I’d XP them when 1.70 (New Frontiers) came along











The Artifact Encounters: Alvarus Leggings
“You receive a note”
Archeon: So what’s it say?
“Dear Archeon – Fuck You – Lots of Love GOA”
Archeon: I know it’s random but how the hell do you code something like that?




The Artifact Encounters: STAFF OF THE GOD!!! (So cool it has to be in capitals)
Archeon: I have the Staff of the God!
“Not anymore”
Archeon: God damn it; tell that shark to bring that staff back… and my arm! … And my other arm!!
“What about your legs?”
Archeon: Well I guess it would be nice, but I get carried most of the time anyway so it’s no big loss




Master Level 2 – I did find this ML to be a big step-up from ML1, mostly because there was significantly less running around. It was even fun at times, what I like so much about large-scale realm events is. Quite simply you can enjoy the game… that and I’m lazy.

In 8v8 RvR for example, the pressure is always on. Anyone with half a brain will be constantly panning the camera looking for the next Inc. Larger-scale combat allows you to be more relaxed, there are more eyes which makes for an easier time when spotting people incoming… or running away depending.

Master Level 2.0!!
“Come oooooooooooon!!”
Archeon: No damn it, Group Cure disease was enough of a disappointment – I’m not setting myself up for another fall like that
“But this is really worth it”
Archeon: It can’t rival the satisfaction I get from levelling up my woodworking skill by making toy swords!
“Please!”
Archeon: No!
“Come on!”
Archeon: I said NO!


Solo Step – Did this ever piss me off! My current ‘favourite’ character is a little sub-50 Rune-Master called Tao. He’s got PBT. My question to Mythic is quite simply… Why? It drove me crazy ‘till a helpful SM (Thanks again Lequin) helped me do it – and what’s with those Crocodiles anyway? Sometimes I really do hurt my brain trying to figure out the logic of some things.

Master Level 2.8
“Though the pain barrier!”
Archeon: huff… huff… huff… why didn’t I roll as a Skald?
“We’ve been over this, the idea of healing yourself was cool at the time”
Archeon: Huff… Huff... What about that crocodile I aggroed at the bottom?
“Still following us, I told you to stay away from the water”
Archeon: fuck… huff… you
“I’m going to give the crocodile a speed buff”


Group Steps – 2.5 is fun to watch, but why behind a locked door? I feel it is that door, and that door alone which is the sole reason so many people enter an ML2 BG-raid without it, if you’ve ever been one of those people who like me work hard to meet the perquisites then find out 2-3fg of people don’t have it… it makes me wonder why I bothered in the first place.

Master Level 2.5
Archeon: Ha-ha! A test of strategy: to challenge my mind. A test of skill: to increase mine own. A test of… wait, OMG WTF!?!!?
“Forgot to /associate?”
Archeon: Wait! I want credit too!
“Hahahaaa… Oh, he’s gone Link dead”

<Five Minutes Later>

Archeon: Guys? Guys? I want credit
“Even I feel bad for you Arch, there-there”
Archeon: *sniff* I just can’t get a break
“Well I doubt people would read if you did anything right”
Archeon: Oh the bitter irony!

Battle-Group Steps – Mindless Zerging, I do enjoy the occasional 8v8 stint. But in all (cliché) honesty if I wanted to be ‘competitive’ I’d go play Counter-Strike I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand how some people can attack something with as much zeal as the ‘hardcore’ RvR guilds. I can respect it, but I doubt I’ll ever understand.

Master Level 2.1
Archeon: This one?
“Nope”
Archeon: How about this one?
“Look, all the guide says is an Alcove”
Archeon: In case you hadn’t noticed this temple is 90% alcove!


Master Level 2.2
Archeon: Finally
“Yeah, waiting half an hour for that door was no fun”
Archeon: So what’s next now that we’re back out and roaming around?
“Go through the alcove door and kill a mob”
Archeon: But we just…
“I know”
Archeon: But we were lost when we found it
“I know”
Archeon: …
“This is where you scream ‘Fuck’ and beat your head against a nearby wall
Archeon: Your therapist said that was a bad idea
“I’ll give you a slice of apple tart”
Archeon: FUCK!

<Beats his head on the wall and knocks himself out>

Khirn: well that wasn’t very nice
“Just wait till he finds out I don’t have any apple tart”


Master Level 2.3
Archeon: GO Zerg!!!
Chief: CHARGE MY MINIONS!!!!!
Zerg: Roar!
Minions: WRAARRRRAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Archeon: Guys… guys come back, we can take them!
“I suppose this is where the saying ‘he who fights and runs away’ comes from”
Archeon: I just wish they hadn’t thrown me into the mob Zerg as a distraction


Master Level 2.4
Archeon: I think I got Djinn on my armour
“I told you sending in your Zerg was a bad idea”
Archeon: These trials are supposed to be tough, how was I supposed to know she’d be so soft and squeegee?
“Yeah-yeah. Tell it to somebody who cares”




Note – at this point Vision of Sage (the main TOA-walkthrough page for those who are living under a rock) did actually go down, this was before all those mirror sites were setup so the Raid-Leader had no idea what to do. Kind of ironic seeing as we’re constantly going on about how we’re so much smarter than the American’s – for all our smarts we couldn’t do even one step.

Master Level 2.6
“…”
Archeon: …
“So…”
Archeon: yes… so…
“Umm… want to… I don’t know… figure this out?”
Archeon: It says it’s a trial of tactics, but we’ve been depending on the American walkthroughs for so long – with VoS down nobody has any idea what to do
“Couldn’t you maybe… think about it?”
Archeon: What do I look like? A Healer who spam’s more than two buttons?


Master Level 2.7
Archeon: AHHH TERROR!!!!!!
”What are you talking about? It’s a mob, you watch them get killed all the time”
Archeon: But… but the man-crocodile said… terror…
“He was also handing out cup-cakes and selling Cliff Richard CD’s earlier. What’s your point?”
Archeon: Umm… well… AHHH I’VE GOT AGGRO, TERROR!!!!!
“I don’t know why I bother at times…”


Master Level 2.9
“What do you mean we need an item?”
Onuris: look lady; don’t get all moody with me. I’m just the middleman. Blame the original Atlantians who imprisoned me to do their bidding
“Spawn the mob or Archeon here will kick your ass!”
Archeon: I will?
“Shut up Archeon”
Onuris: For crying’ out loud I can’t do it without the items!!
“Bullshit, you’ve given this trial to so many other people you’ve probably got a whole room filled with them”
Onuris: You know what? I’m just going to de-spawn
“Archeon, he drops the items you need KILL HIM!”
“Archeon? Where the hell is he?”
“ARCHEON! COME BACK HERE DAMN IT!!!!! DON’T MAKE ME HUNT YOU DOWN AND STAB YOUR ASS!!!!!”



.10 – I just know I’ll get PM’s about this. Short answer. Yes. Every Healer will have done it at some point either through curiosity or just laziness. Go on; ask your Healer friends if they’ve ever allowed anyone to intentionally die.
Think about this… Do you think I’m going to make any sort of real effort to make sure that somebody who’s been giving me grief doesn’t die? “You catch more flies with Honey than Mustard” but some people just seem totally unable to grasp what to me is a fairly simple concept, do you think anyone is going to respond well to verbal abuse for that matter?

Anyway… For people who don’t understand, Waaaaaaay back when there was no End-regen or PBAE in Midgard there was nothing in the Mending line to make somebody want to spec it, no group-heal, no spread-heal.

The 100% resurrection spell had a 12second cast time (I still think they should have reversed the timers so 100% has 4sec and 5% had 12sec) and you could count the number of Healer’s who specced Mend on one hand, and people still didn’t want you in their groups because if you didn’t have Purity of Meditation (Crack5) you were considered a gimp…


Master Level 2.10
Archeon: Goddamn Harpy – PUT ME DOWN!!!
“You receive 99% fall damage”
Archeon: P…pain…
“Its just as well you can heal yourself really, what’s this? The fifth time?”
Archeon: Shut up. Oh for… Its some other lazy bastard telling me he’s going to drown himself below the ledge and I need to res him so he can get up here.
“What are you going to’ do?”
Archeon: Isn’t it obvious? Let him kill himself then stick my /anon flag on
“I worry you might have fallen to the dark side”
Archeon: This is nothing, when I hit level 43 and got the 100% res spell I allowed my group to wipe out on purpose so I could test it out
“Seriously?”
Archeon: Oh hell yeah, I used to be really evil
“What made you stop?”
Archeon: Guilty conscience. People were mistaking my sarcasm as genuine concern
“Aww, that’s adorable”
Archeon: Shut up
“Archeon Dies”
Archeon: Should have seen it coming shouldn’t I?
“Well I haven’t killed you all trial. I’d hate it if people thought I wasn’t putting any effort in”


Master Level 2.11
Archeon: MLXP…
“That’s what it says”
Archeon: Well I guess I can understand that… so what? I just do more ML’s right?
“Yes, but you’ve got to meet some criteria… to start with it can’t be an ML higher than the current ML your on, you can’t get any MLXP if everyone in your group has credit, and you need to wear your underwear on the outside of your pants”
Archeon: I have underwear?
“Oh monstrous Irony, what evil hath I unleashed!”

Master Ability: Perfector II
Archeon: I NOW CAST MY ULTIMATE SPELL!!! THE SPELL TO END ALL SPELLS… I CAST… I CAST…
“…”
Archeon: I CAST!
“Oh fine…”
“You cast Cure Near-sight”
“Happy now?”
Archeon: CURE NEAR… wtf? That’s it? I spent all that time just to get another cure spell? AGAIN!! YOU SAID IT WAS WORTH IT!!! YOU USED ME SYSTEM!!! YOU USED ME!!!!
“Hmm? I’m sorry, I was busy not caring”
Archeon: You know what? Eat Lemons and DIE!!!
“Archeon eats lemons and dies”
“How was it? Bittersweet? Get it? Lemons… bittersweet?”
Archeon: Fuck you and your terrible sense of humour


Artifacts – Yes. This did happen; I’m still hurting from it. There’s nothing about cash farming I enjoy. So I don’t do it, and I’m poor. Still better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… at least saying that makes me feel better about it in any case.



The Artifact Encounters: Alvarus Leggings
Archeon: Wahoo! I brought the Razorfin shark fin for 1plat from a CM! Now I don’t have to waste time waiting for Razorfin to spawn!!
“Horary, now quickly sell your loot and lets go beat the odds”
Archeon: Right!!
“…”
Archeon: Please don’t say it…”
“You sold the Razorfin Shark fin for 0copper”
Archeon: Do you think if I threw myself at that blade of grass I’d be able to pierce my abdomen?
“No, I seriously doubt you could”


Artifact Encounters: Alvarus Leggings – Take2
Archeon: Your going to laugh aren’t you?
“Normally I would, but this is almost tragic. I mean when you think about all the time it took you to earn that Plat… its not easy as a Healer to solo… and then there’s the fact that you sold it… you’ve essentially given away a plat…”
Archeon: Just do it already!
“Fine, ruin my build up…”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!”
Archeon: And to think, I have to pay money for this…


The Artifact Encounters: The Scorpion’s Tail Ring
“So anyway, like I was saying. This ring doesn’t drop all the time. In fact I’d be surprised if you can even get it”
Archeon: Got it, Thanks guild!
Guild: No problem
Archeon: I’m sorry, you were saying?
“I was saying I’d get the last laugh because I’m not the one that has to level it!!”
Archeon: Sticks and stones…
“Archeon Dies”
Archeon: Aren’t we the mature one
“Archeon’s Corpse Dies”
Archeon: You know I’ve become used to this when I stop wondering just how the hell some of this shit works
Master Level 3 – we’ve all been here haven’t we? I’m not sure what it is about ML3 which makes it drag on like it does, but it’s forever going to be associated with the words “Fuck off, I’m going home” – if I live to be 80 and somebody says to me “Archeon do you remember ML3?” I’ll just say that. At least there were no Tank-orientated solo steps in this one.

Master Level 3.0
Archeon: NO!
“You’re going to have to eventually, it’s really worth it this time I promise”
Archeon: NO Damnit! This was a huge mistake! I should have just quit and spent my time masturbating while I wait for World of Warcraft to come out
“Archeon, this is neither the time. Nor the place to start talking about masturbation”
Archeon: Just because your lack of physical presence stops you from doing it
“Oh sure, pick on the person with the handy-cap. Just because I don’t have a body doesn’t make me any less real!”
Archeon: Whatever
“Just do the damned Master Level!”
Archeon: NO!


Group-Steps… Well Pre-Quests really, it’s a pain in the ass to do – I can’t even imagine what the American’s who first found out they needed Pre-Quests did, hell I’m not even sure HOW I got a Preggy-Cobra Egg.

Incidentally this was where I first got the idea that all mobs (especially the Artifact ones) in fact have hobbies, which explains why they have such long re-spawn timers. The idea of a Mob-Staff room still makes me laugh. It’s also where I first happened upon the idea of ‘System’ trying to sleep… That doesn’t make me laugh…

Master Level 3.2
Archeon: Quest!? What Quest!!?
“Didn’t I mention it?”
Archeon: NO!


Kepa’s Trial
Archeon: So we just kill one and they all die?
”Yup”
Archeon: How does that work anyway?
“I don’t know, Mourghart doesn’t go into the staffroom too often”
Archeon: Staff-Room? Is there something you aren’t telling me?
“Well where do you think mobs go when they aren’t spawned.”
Archeon: Well I guess I never thought about it.
“Oh yeah, you should see the SoM sphinxes on the Dance, Dance revolution machine. They’re awesome”
Archeon: No wonder the re-spawn timer is so high
“What can I say, when they hit that groove, they hit it hard.”


Master Level 3.5
Archeon: So you told me about this pre-quest as well?
”No, I was keeping this one a secret”


Battle-Group Steps – I did actually do an ML3 raid of my own, it just re-confirmed my suspicions that you really need to be totally ruthless if you want to do it. In the end we just stopped, it wasn’t working. People were too eager and I was too soft. 3.4 was where it fell apart, the ‘strategy’ back then was that one 1 person of each melee damage type (Slash, Thrust, Crush) would attack.

This is a bit of a problem for Midgard as there isn’t really a ‘pure’ Thrust-line. So in the end we had a Sword Warrior, a Hammer Thane (cross-guarding for what good it did) and a Savage… Unfortunately I forgot that Savage’s use 2 weapons, so she went fucking crazy and after wiping the entire raid and the traditional ‘Guild- g2g’ crew had left we didn’t have enough people left. A shame, but it was my fault for overlooking that minor detail.

Master Level 3.1
“Yay!”
Archeon: Sigh
“Cheer up, this one’ll be easy. I promise”
Archeon: … ok, as out of character as it is I’ll trust you.
“Great, now the secret with this mob is to… not…. kill… her… … guards…”
Archeon: …When you said easy did you forget to factor in mob-mentality?
“Don’t worry, you can still melee her to death! Only it… might take… half an hour or so…”
Archeon: I’m going AFK


Master Level 3.2… again
Archeon: Well that was quick
”Yup”
Archeon: …
“…”
Archeon: Should we do the next one?
”I think that might be a good idea, yes”


Master Level 3.3
Archeon: Mythic are geniuses… who’d ever think you need to stand on a small circle in order to kill a mob
“Indeed, they really pushed the envelope with this one”
Archeon: The MMORPG genre will never be the same again
“I second that”
Archeon: …
“…”
Archeon: I’m being sarcastic, what’s your excuse?
“24,000 euros pro rata”


Master Level 3.4
Archeon: This makes no sense! Why the hell are we only allowed 1 person of each damage type on her!?
“She goes nuts if you don’t”
Archeon: But it makes no goddamned sense!!
“That’s true I guess”
Archeon: You guess? We’ve been here for 2hours now and her health has barely dropped below 90%!!!!
“That’s nice, tell you what I’m going to take a nap. Wake me up when you’re done”
Archeon: I’m crying IRL


Master Level 3.5… again
“<Insert appropriate comment and/or question here>”
Archeon: …fine, I mean it’s only been 5 days hasn’t it? Its not like this is taking forever
“Sleep is for the weak, as is food! And water!!”
Archeon: So basically all the things you can’t do are weaknesses
“I can sleep!!”
Archeon: Y’huh?
“I can! Watch me sleep now!”
“See, I’m sleeping”
Archeon: I think for the good of the minors who are reading this we will never mention this again
“It’s a perfectly natural position!”
Archeon: I’m going to throw up

[Penlid]

Master Level 3.6
Archeon: Ohhhhh Barracuda… scary shit.
“Funny, why hasn’t something bad happened yet?”
“A [barracuda] bites you between your legs for 60,000(+20,000)”
Archeon: Oh dear god, it hurts…
“Wow, of all the places to get bitten. That’s quite the critical hit”
Archeon: please… kill me…


Master Level 3.7
“I think this trial is all about physical pain. Great amounts. Not that I’m complaining I mean after all pain is funny, what’s more amusing than seeing somebody else suffering? Especially so when he’s a work of fiction in a fantasy realm and you can fix him up good as new by breaking the 4th wall… though I think that might only apply to comics… I’m going to go read Megatokyo”
Archeon: Before you go could you ask somebody to pry me out from between Shraogh’s teeth?


Note – I’m not sure who it was who first introduced me to Anime, I was vaguely aware of it before I started playing DAoC – and I had a friend who watched ‘Dragonball Z’ which… well the concept was good, but all that screaming? Just use Bit-torrent or Emule to download an episode with any fighting in and you’ll understand where I was coming from with this. I’m probably slightly obsessed, but at least I’m not learning Japanese and I certainly prefer Dubbed (English voice-over) to Subbed (English text at the bottom of the screen) where I can get it. So please don’t group me with those freaks who run around screaming broken Japanese phrases and added suffixes to the end of their names.

Master Level 3.8
Archeon: I’ve always been puzzled as to why things smaller than myself can be more dangerous than me
“I guess it’s got something to do with the glow”
Archeon: I see… so if I were glowing I’d be more powerful…
“Where have I heard that before?”
Archeon: Hold this can of gasoline, for me while I light up
“Archeon, I don’t think… No, wait. I do. Go for it!”
Archeon: ahhhAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMG I’M ON FIRE BUT I FEEL SO POWERFUL!!!!!!!
“He’s mutilating himself without me, Anime style as well… I never dared dream... This is the happiest day of my life”
Archeon: PH34R MY P0W4H!!!!!!!! AND CAN SOMBODY PLEASE CATCH MY MELTING SKIN IN A BAG SO I CAN HAVE IT SURGICALLY REATTACHED LATER!!


Master Level 3.9
“Well that was much easier, finally a trial which is just point, click and kill”
Archeon: Yeah, all that Alt + tabbing between DAoC and VoS was giving me finger cramp
“Think of them as finger squats”
Archeon: Sure, whatever. Lets get this over with already.


.10 – Well like I said… I might be a touch Anti-American… just a little… I like poking fun at them. Like I said I’ve had a few bad experiences. I’m not sure where they got ‘Ass-slapping’ branded as some kind of sexually secure act.

If you’ve got to constantly slap other guys Asses to prove your sexually secure doesn’t that mean you’re actually quite insecure? This has actually filtered over here to the point where my brother took a swing at my ass to make a statement about how sexually secure he was… my own statement was that I could still kick his ass.

Master Level 3.10!
Archeon: Hug the freaking wall, what’s with this raid leader?
“I think its got something to do with traps, apparently when the Yankees first tried this they adopted their usual ‘Zerg-for-the-win’ approach - charged it directly and got owned. Its actually quite a nice analogy of the Vietnam War if you think about it”
Archeon: So what your saying is the American’s would have won in Vietnam if only they’d hugged more walls and had magical powers?
“Don’t be stupid the American’s couldn’t win a war by themselves if all they had to do was press a large red button marked ‘Press To Win’ – and by large - I’m talking the size of their national debt, large!”
Archeon: That’s pretty large, but I’m detecting some anti-American sentiment
“Get with the program Archeon, all the cool kids hate America these days.”


We never like to see the bad traits in ourselves… unless your me, in which case you pass it off as a joke and hope people don’t realise how much of an emotional cripple you are.

Master Level 3.11
Archeon: More MLxp!? Damnit, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’ve already spent a week doing ML3; I need to have a shower or something
“Suck it up, just go on an ML2 raid”
Archeon: I would, but the self-important people are demanding that they only group with people needing credit. I just can’t deal with that level of selfishness
“…”
“You mean when its not coming from you right?”
Archeon: Well I thought that went without saying?


Master Ability: Perfector III
Archeon: All I’m saying is this better be good, I’m getting flashbacks of my pre resurrection fix days
“You set a Heal Ward”
Archeon: Hmm… Well… this is… actually kind of cool…
“According to the instruction manual this ward will heal 125 hit points per tick”
Archeon: Ok, this sounds too good. What’s the catch?
“There might be a little aggro generated by it…”
Archeon: A little?
“Ok, a lot”
Archeon: I guess I can use it for soloing…
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA…”
“…Oh, your serious?”


Artifact – I hate EoY, I really do. Sure you don’t ‘waste’ mana – but what use is a person with no Health/Mana/End? Well you can also waste your group-instant heal, but on a TOA’d / buffed tank even the vaunted 75% group-instant heal will only do 50% ~ish – so you’ll have to ‘waste’ power at some point… and don’t forget you’ve also wasted one of the most power heals in the arsenal for the next 20mins. I think people get a little too caught up in TOA abilities at times.

Still no luck with Alvarus, at times it does seem like GOA has a personal vendetta against me to stop me from getting it. I’ve got credit; I’ve got the scrolls. All I need are the leggings!!! DAMN YOU GOA!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!


The Artifact Encounters: EGG OF YOUTH!! (SO COOL EVEN THIS BIT IT HAS TO BE IN CAPITALS!!!)
“Egg of Youth…”
Archeon: whoop-de-do, an AE Ghetto resurrection. Every little Pac-spec bitches wet dream.
“Egg of Youth”
Archeon: Look at me; I’m going to fuck up the Mend healer ress because if I don’t get my 10k+ RP every day I go into a coma and DIE!
“Egg of Youth”
Archeon: Omfg! Res, which costs no power! Who cares that it makes the 8 people it gets up totally useless and killable with 1 AE nuke! IT COSTS NO POWER SO IT MUST BE COOL!!!!
“He’s like a sadistic Action Figure with a pull-string, it’s so adorable!”



Archeon Inc. would like to take this opportunity to retract Archeon’s statements about Egg of Youth. It does have its uses… apparently… We only hate it because we are too stupid to realise those uses…
Archeon: Ok, I said it now take your gun and get the fuck out of my house!
The Artifact Encounters: Alvarus Leggings… once again…
Archeon: Mythic need to die! How many more times am I going to get a god damned precious jasper?
“Didn’t I mention? GOA were so pissed off with you for egging their offices they coded your character so you can never get the drop”
Archeon: I egged their offices?
“…”
Archeon: System?
“Well you see, I got a pay cut the other day… and well… leaving a note from you calling them all drunken hicks with all the sense of a donkeys ass seemed like a good idea at the time”
Archeon: I see… anything else you’ve done in my name I should know about?
“Not much, though if I were you I’d stay out of Brazil for the next 12 years or so… you know, at least until they rebuilt that statue over Rio de Janeiro”
Archeon: You trashed the statue of Christ at Rio de Janeiro!?
“Not so much trashed as re-sculpted in my own image… of me sleeping…”
Archeon: Oh dear god, I’m amazed they haven’t put a bounty on my head
“Yeah about that, if anyone comes asking for Senor Archeon El Sexfiende say he lives next door”
Note – I’m aware that in Brazil they speak Portuguese, but ‘English-Spanish’ (words I just made up but looks kind of Spanish…) was better than ‘Sr. Archeon o amante do asno’, which just sounds dumb.
(Thanks Gama)






Master Level 4 – I don’t know what it is, I just like this ML. Probably because I like Stygian Delta… very much… it has Scorpions… Which I can solo…. For hours… and hours… and hours…. And only get 40% XP for my ring… I do really like 4.2 though – I know its not everyone’s cup of tea, but there’s something very ‘epic’ about it. Every ML should have a step like 4.2.

Master Level 4.0:
“Archeon, ML4 – Lets go!!!”
“Archeon?”
“I don’t believe it… he’s actually started without me… I’m both overjoyed and hurt…”
Archeon: Quit your whining! I was only doing the group steps.
“Aren’t I a part of your group?”
Archeon: <sigh> if you really want we can do them again
“Yay! Thanks Archeon, you’re the best!”
Archeon: Does that mean I might be able to get through this ML without any unexplained deaths?


Group-Steps – again. No pesky solo steps. This makes Archeon happy, it’s also comparatively easy if you’re in no great hurry. Which I never am and of course, Colossal is a Scorpion… actually when I did it he wasn’t… or at least in the eyes of Mythic he wasn’t (see patch notes for 1.69 concerning Artifact Changes if you want to know why) but I’ve done it since then and he was. So I actually got capped XP for my ring! Wahoo! At least one kill which doesn’t average at about 40million (0.75% give or take) – I don’t think people realise how difficult being a support class can be at times.

Master Level 4.1:
“So the mobs called Colossal, what do we do? Flank it? Call it names?”
Archeon: It’s a big scorpion. You hit it. It dies.
“That doesn’t sound very fun”
Archeon: It isn’t, he isn’t even that tough.
“Oh… I know…”
“Colossal looks stronger”
“Colossal looks more dexterous”
“Colossal looks healthier”
“Colossal is protected by a holy barrier”
Archeon: OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!!!
“Made it more interesting”
Archeon: ARGGGG!!!!! THE POSION, IT BURNS MY EYES! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER… AGAIN!!!
“Gee, that’s what I get for being nice…”


Master Level 4.3:
Archeon: Ok, so please this time. No buffing the mob.
“Right, Right… sorry, I was only trying to help”
Archeon: If you want to help you could spawn the mob we’re searching for?
“Who Tutankhsekhmet? He’s off sick today”
Archeon: Off-sick?
“Yeah, he called in this morning, something about mandatory neutering for all immigrants”
Archeon: … I… I don’t think I want to know…
“He’s from Poland!”


Master Level 4.4 – Brought to you in Technicolor!!

http://www.freewebs.com/chris_310/Trials.JPG

I originally wanted to do the entire ‘Trials of Archeon’ like this… only doing all the master levels again, taking screenshots and making sure there was enough space for ‘System’ to do her thing seemed like an awful lot of hard work… Still! Everyone loves Elmo, the little scamp.
Battle-Group Steps – I don’t know why I thought ‘Ardamel’ for this. I realised I hadn’t poked fun at the little guy for so long, I mean how can I not? He’s Ardamel. For those who aren’t ‘enlightened’ and in the ‘LFoM’ alliance we’ve got a strict policy on /as use. Of course, this policy doesn’t (at least on the surface) seem to be very heavily enforced – you get 1 person doing something, and then somebody else sees it and does it thinking it’s ok, then another, and another. It’s a cascade effect and you’ll still see people asking for stuff like ‘any E&E on?’ which is quite funny because I share a guild with a few of the E&E members and as they tell it its usually people asking them to ‘pop’ an Artifact or something similar, which isn’t what they’re there for at all…

[Penlid]

Master Level 4.2!
“Are you sure your alright Archeon? That looked pretty painful”
Archeon: I don’t want to talk about it
“Come on, share the pain. It’ll make you feel better
Archeon: No!
“Fine, but I was only trying to help”
“So what now?”
Archeon: Now I summon my super-Zerg
Archeon: /as ML4 BG raid forming - meet in Stygian Delta ASAP – join my BG – group leaders PM me for CG invite – Loot will be lottoed with /random 100, 1 roll rules – I’ll be claiming the remains but won’t lotto – need at least 9fg – bring bots if possible.
XXX Sends: FFS n00b, stop spamming /as its for realm defence only
YYYY sends: how does lotto work?
PPP sends: Who’s got BG?
VVV sends: stfu noob
FFF sends: twat, who gave you /as rights anyway?
TTT sends: can I bring my bot?
Ardamel sends: Can I come with my lvl5 RM?
/send Ardamel: do you even know the way to Stygian Delta?
Ardamel sends: no, but I’m sure I can /stick to somebody in my guild
/send Ardamel: Umm… maybe if you just craft me some socks? I’ll email you credit.
Ardamel sends: cool, I can only make AF4. Is that ok?
/send Ardamel: sure, whatever. I’ll pick them up in two weeks
Ardamel sends: /GU whoopee I got a customer!
Ardamel sends: sorry, MT ^^
Archeon: Ardamel hurts my brain…
“At least he doesn’t make up lies over /as anymore”
Archeon: I’m going to go cry, form the BG for me
“OH-KAY!”

Master Level 4.5:
Archeon: Well at least with this huge Zerg we should be able to do the ML quickly
BG1: I need the group steps; can we do the group steps? Why won’t you do the group steps? FUCK YOU I’M /QUITTING!!!!! N00B!!!!!
Archeon: You are? I didn’t answer your question yet…
BG2: OMG LAME, I’M LEAVING. YOU SUCK ARCHEON
BG3: FFS, WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU EVEN MAKE RAIDS YOU SCAMMER?
BG4: I’M GOING TO LET EVERYONE KNOW WHAT A FUCKER YOU ARE, I HOPE YOU DIE IRL!!! AND YOUR MOTHER DIES OF CANCER AND YOU FATHER DIES OF GUT ROT AND YOUR BROTHER IS RUN OVER BY A CAR!!!!!!!!!!
“BG4 has left the BG”
Archeon: wait for it…
“Wait for what?”
“BG4 joins the BG”
BG4: YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT ME WEREN’T YOU! FUCKER YOU’LL NEVER JOIN ANOTHER GUILD AGAIN! I’M GOING TO GET YOU KICKED FROM YOURS! FUCKER ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!!?! PAY ATTENTION STUPID FUCKER!!!!!! LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME… please listen to me?… please?
“You remove BG4 from the BG”
Ardamel: Don’t worry Archeon. I’ll stay
“Archeon? Archeon? What are you doing with that rope? NO! Archeon! Put it down! Just because he’s shorter than you doesn’t mean you can do that to him!”


Master Level 4.6:
“Ok, so we lost half the Zerg, we can still do this”
Archeon: Don’t forget Ardamel, we lost Ardamel. Thank-god we lost Ardamel.
“I’m just glad I was able to port him away in time”
Archeon: I hope you ported him somewhere with lots of dwarf eating giants
“No, I just sent him to Jordelhiem”
Archeon: Same thing, lets just get on with it


Master Level 4.7:
Idiot: Where are the heads?
Archeon: Along the river
Idiot: what River?
Archeon: The one we’re running along now
Idiot: do you have the stones?
Archeon: <sigh>… yes
Idiot: Can I see them?
Archeon: Maybe later
Idiot: Why not now?
Archeon: Because right now the only way you’ll see them is if I force them so far up your ass they’ll be rattling in your empty skull and while that would be very satisfying I don’t personally want to be on this stupid master level raid a second longer than I have too!
Idiot: … so we need to farm the stones?
“It’ll be ok Archeon”
Archeon: Why can’t you just be nasty to me again? All this focusing on the outside world is making me bitter!


Master Level 4.8:
Archeon: Alright everyone, its easy. Just don’t run into the… ok, well I guess I’ll just have to resurrect everyone… except your all releasing… well… ok, so now the portals closed…
“You’ve completed the Blood Quest”
Archeon: Thank-you so very much system
“My pleasure! Can’t have you dying before your done”


Master Level 4.9:
Archeon: No, support stay in the water! Tanks you melee him
Tanks: But we’re getting hit!
Archeon: Well yes, like I said – support in the water-casting group and spread heals. Tanks, on the mob. Casters stand around and try not to get in the way
Ardamel: ok
Archeon: … System… what the hell is he doing back here?
“He’s so cute, I just love him to bits. He’s like a teddy-bear!”
Archeon: … must… control… rage… mustn’t… kill… dwarf….
Tanks: How do I taunt again? I don’t think we can kill him; he’s only at 99% health. The guy at Moderna said I could 1-shot purples!
Archeon: ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
“Gaurmaes was just killed by Archeon”
Archeon: … blessed relief…

.10 – Another case of ‘I know better’ you always get them, they’re never as helpful as they like to think and the few who want something out of it just need to be removed from the BG so they don’t get credit.

Master Level 4.10:
Archeon: Ok, so this might take a little planning. Everyone do what I say
Somebody: I know what to do, everyone kill the pillars – make sure Martikhoras is as far away from them as possible when they die
Archeon: No but…
Somebody: Shut up, I’ve done this before I know what to do!
Somebody sends: I’m getting a drop for helping you right?
“Pillar 1 falls and misses”
“Pillar 2 falls and misses”
“Pillar 3 falls and misses”
“Pillar 4 falls and misses”
Somebody: Alright, everyone on Martikhoras
Somebody: Why are we dying? Archeon what do