Reborn

[kirennia]

Something I decided to do for fun really. Completed it a while ago, just thought I'd post A chapter of a story I'm working on. Anyone who used the Herfolge Boldklub website a couple of years ago may recognise the general beginning theme of the story. Well I decided to change that intro piece as I think(hope) I've got a bit better at writing since then.

Written in the first person, this chapter is designed to lay down a very breif description of someones past. I'm still not sure whether I should use this and the breif story within the next couple of chapters at the very beginning or instead part way through the novel.






“I woke to a tingling sensation in my legs. Feeling my distorted body bumping along in a horizontal state, I would be unable to imagine exactly what was going on. There was nothing but darkness...nothing to smell, nothing to hear, only the clean air to breathe as I struggled to bring myself to talk. As if choked by a noose, my throat was dry and rugged like gravel and my head pounding in rhythmatic explosions which descended down my neck and throughout my immobile body. This seeming nothingness; a delicate range of pains cascading throughout my hollow shell were nothing less then consuming. As if feeling my life were over, it was to begin without my wanting it to do so.

An abrupt stop was what gave me my first vision of the world. A blurry mass of pale blue lurching over me as I tilted my head to one side. Nothing would appear as a definitive shape in my mind; as if a mean trick were being played in my head, my vision refused to adjust to my surroundings and as quickly as my sight had been given, it was taken away.

I had no idea how long it had been before I awoke for a second time, but this was different. The headaches had stopped, no longer were my legs in a paralytic state and my throat had cleared. I knew I was awake but stopped, unsure whether I should try and arise after what had come before. Curiosity got the better of me as I gently peeled back an eyelid to take note of my surroundings. Despite the sheer brilliance of the white walls, no longer was my vision paling in the light as distorted images started to clear in my mind. A white wall to my left and a calm neck jerk revealed a white wall to the right. Carefully glancing down to my feet, as if to check they were still there, my feelings were starting to come back. Wiggling my toes and slowly bringing myself up to lean on my elbows, I was suddenly made very aware of my stomach. As if it hadn’t been filled in a week, I clenched it with one arm, using the other to balance myself.

This was no good. I had to steady myself and climb to my feet. Ignore it; you must find out where you are while you’re still awake. And so with that thought in mind, I reached out and put my hands before my legs; now shaking with the fierce lack of sustenance which was cramping my muscles and clouding my judgment, I climbed to my feet in one colossal movement of scrambling grace.

Now towering above my blank white mattress, I began to survey my surroundings. Three white walls and the other, a large full wall length pane of glass, separating me from the corridor behind it. If given three guesses what colour this corridor would be, you’d probably get it in one. Yes, that’s right, yet another white wall which stretched down the entire length of what I could see in a complete straight parallel to my room. Where was I? What had I done?

It was at this time an echoing voice bounced around the room from a speaker above me I had failed to see.

“If you would like to take a seat and I’ll be right with you. And don’t worry mate, you’ll be out of here before the end of the day” it boomed around the room.

Seat? Surely enough, there it was in the corner of the room, white and hidden against the same coloured background. Of all the colours to choose from, white was slowly becoming the most annoying one. Following the advice of the speaker, I saw no real reason to disobey and so I pulled out the chair to the center of the room and took a seat to wait for whoever this person may be. And so I waited…


Staring at the shimmering reflection of myself in the pane of glass, my mind started to wander away from what was taking place around me and back to events of past. I was contained in a white room, unpadded so surely I couldn’t be crazy. I’d be out of here before the end of the day? What could possibly have been done for this to take place? My memory drew a blank on all actions leading me here, to this room of absolute seclusion. I did not remember a thing. Was I supposed to remember a thing? I thought in a language I understood but did not know how it was remembered. My mind a blank, where was I and what was in store for me?

My thoughts were interrupted as a man, dressed in a white flowing jacket, unbuttoned, revealing brown trousers were as much a relief to finally reveal colour as it was a scare. This short yet stout man of a different skin tone to my own was standing before me, ready to address me and hopefully tell me who I was and what I was doing here. If suspense were to be summed up through one point in my life, this would be it. This moment of realization... This moment of fear... This moment of hope…





Opinions?

[CorNokZ]

Give 2nd part asap! I know you already wrote it!

Nice job m8.. This has potential!

[kirennia]

Have thought of combining the chapters a bit as they do all seem a bit short so far. Was going to hold off this chapter until I finished the first one and posted that but it doesn't really matter towards the story. I guess you're sort of starting off at the 'beginning' of the story anyway. I wont be giving away any of the big plot revealers unless I release the whole thing at any point should I finish it. For the most part, they're the best chapters I've written whereby I just need the fillers to get to them.

Chapter 2:

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Chapter 2 – Insight

“Hello and welcome sir. My name is doctor Shalin and I’ve been assigned to you as a guide for today. I would ask if you have any questions but I’m guessing for you to ask questions, you must first know where to begin” this man exclaimed.
Unphased and grinning slightly, I had a feeling this wasn’t the first time he’d been in this situation.

“It’s not exactly the easiest of things to explain, nor my job but welcome to ‘Insight’; an establishment built from the ground up to facilitate the birth of everyone in our humble city”.

What could really be said to something like that? I mean honestly, what does a man who says that kind of thing really expect from the person he’s saying it to. As if he were here to spread confusion, I thought I’d humour him by laying silent and posting an exaggerated face of confusion in response.

“If you want my honest opinion, I don’t know exactly how or why you’re here” he started.
“But you are so it’s my duty for today to make sure you settle in to your life easily and quickly” he said with yet another grin rising on his now less welcoming face.

“Well a nice start would be giving me some food” I whittled with a much quieter voice then his own. Speaking was a painful task which I had no intention of doing beyond what was needed.

“Ahh good, so your voice isn’t giving you too much trouble I hope. Please don’t be offended if my two companions accompany us to the dining hall, it’s merely a precaution”. At that moment, two men dressed in green and brown camo gear adorning a gun each, strapped to their chests entered my view. A gun, camo and a helmet. Surely if I can remember what these things are I could make some sense of why I was here. Why could I remember how to do things or their relation to the world, but nothing of what I had done to get to this point in time?

All I knew at that place was no gain would be made by crossing any of these men so I stood up and started “Sure, just don’t be offended if I’m not exactly in a very talka… (Cough) talkative mood” I struggled to clarify.

His grin grew wider and he reached into his top pocket filled with pens and grabbed for something. Revealing the palm of his hand I noted a card of some description which he then proceeded to wave in front of a panel on the glass itself. From my perspective it was just a plain white square shape but as the glass opened and I walked slowly out from my cell, it was made apparent it was a keypad of some sort. A single keycard attached to a chain. For any secure ‘establishment’ as he smugly put it before, one keycard for a ‘doctor’ as he called himself would surely hold the key to my escape. The now growing ponderings in my head were drawing me apart. My slumber surely did not help me to come to any conclusion faster; whether it be to use this card as a means of escape or whether I should ride it out and see what he had to say.

We walked in utter silence for the next minute or so, what with my stumbling hunger ridden body and his again smug expressions, all I would think of was food. Him being the tool to use for my own ends, there was nothing I could do but follow. Any sort of sustenance, fuel for my mind, fuel for my body and more importantly, fuel to give me more of an option for what I would do next.

Passing through a door at the end of the long, narrow, winding corridor, I was met with what smelt like a home cooked roast. The very air this scent filled was given warmth and comfort, only to be inhaled and envied by any who was exposed to its tempting allure.

“Take a seat over there and I’ll see what we can fix up for you” he whispered calmly into my ear. As my energy was growing weaker and weaker, I was given aid to show me to my seat by the two rugged gun wielding men, which had ensured I arrived safely for either Shalins safety or my own, I did not know which.

Everything was clouding over as the increasingly agonizing pains gripped my stomach and my head without notice, dipped backwards in a pathetic manner towards the back of my seat. This was no feeling I wished bestowed upon anyone, even my captors if it would assist my escape. I felt like death.

“That’s it mate, shake the shit out. Hell they wont take a minute and you’ll be bloody great when you see what they’ve got for ya!” one of the guards exclaimed.

“Walking… you’re a walking cliché… mate…” I struggled to gasp as I quietly giggled inside. He seemed less then amused.

Lo and behold though, it wasn’t long before a dish made for a king was laid out before me. I’m not talking your standard meal here. This was quite literally the platter to end all platters. The almost comically sized tray the stunted, round Shalin himself bought over was filled with delicacies, half of which I didn’t even know what they were made of. Looking down at the first feeling of excitement I’d felt all day, I would have cried had I enough energy. A healthy selection of marinaded ribs, accompanied by a side dish with dips of guacamole, sour cream, tomato and some strange yellow thing I didn’t even know could exist, were the first things to reach my sight. Stretching my horizon, the next on the menu was a selection of what seemed to be oriental dishes; a large pancake roll, crispy fried duck in a sweet and sour plum sauce, pork chicken and beef sliced so thinly, as if by magic and covered in a barbeque sauce.

The very platter itself was enough to stretch the imagination of any man. Pork balls, sweet and sour chips, roast potatoes and gravy, mozzarella stuffed avocado, fried bacon and beans with egg, sausage, hash brown and a sauce which could only have been made for the Gods themselves it smelt so good.

I did the only thing any red blooded man would do. I didn’t give a shit. Straight to the messiest rib I could find dipped in pretty much everything else. Possibly the most ham-fisted, clumsy and largest meal I would ever have. Of course most was left untouched as my stomach now confused by extreme hunger and over devouring didn’t know what to do with itself, but only after I’d had more then my sickening fair share.

“Feeling better now are we?” Shalin inquired some time later as he looked over my part sick but now much more then happy face.

“Damn straight!” was pretty much all I could say after such a satisfying ordeal.

“We really must be getting on though I’m afraid, there’s sadly not enough time for pleasantries”.

I didn’t really care, I had finished and this was the happiest I had felt all day as I bought myself to my feet. No longer stumbling, now just in the need of the best end to a meal, I stretched backwards as if a Cawing bird would welcome in a new day. For that moment, I felt like a man on the top of the world. A king amongst the world or a God amongst men. It almost made me forget why I was worried in the first place. And then it struck me like a freight train; that moment of recognition to what was happening around me.

There must have been around 15 people in the relatively small dining area, one of which was tucking into a platter made for a king surrounded by three men, much like those who were now standing around me. The rest were dining quietly in white overalls almost trying to ignore both me and the other man under the heed of our carers.

“Come on, it’s time for a walk son” Shalin explained as he walked towards where we came from. This time, the guards stood closer behind me as if motioning me forward. Had I of stopped, they would surely of pushed me onwards.

Left, right, straight on, this time I was sure they were taking me a different route back to my cell until I approached a much smaller room coated in reflective material. I was right but did I really want to be? I moved first into this roughly six by six foot room and turned to see them covering the door behind me.

“Goodbye sir, I hope you have a good trip” Shalin exclaimed as he pressed a button outside and the door closed.

Now much more awake then I had been before, I leapt towards the door only to be pushed back in by the burly guards and that was it… the door had closed in front of me only to reveal my reflection on another shiny surface. Only noting a piece of Guacamole still attached to my cheek, I felt like I should be embarrassed but instead just wiped it into my mouth in a quick sweeping move and continued to question what was going to happen. A sudden jitter of the room made me feel like I was moving.

“Just a bloody lift” I thought to myself as I noticed I was rising in this box room. All sorts of thoughts filled my head in this desolate room as I noted no buttons to stop the journey, nor reverse it. I was going somewhere else I didn’t know; o boy, what a change from what had just happened…

read this after you've read the chapter please

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Didn't want this to taint what you were about to read as a neutral reader but I wasn't so sure about this chapter. Think after a fairly descriptive chapter where all that happens really is someone stands up, a more fast paced one should follow but will post it anyway to see what you think.

[Mey]

Really liked chapter one, but i didn't think chapter two matched the style of the original chapter - if that makes sense.

First chapter = all narrative/description
second chapter = 1st person / guy talking to the character

Can't think of another way of doing it atm, but i will think about it and post my thoughts again

Other than that really enjoyed reading it.