random funnyness

[Belsameth]

stolen from a random message board, this is suppost to be a real letter that was send to a bank.
one can doubt if that's true, but it's funny nonetheless



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my

check with which I endeavored to pay my

plumber last month. By my calculations,

three nanoseconds must have elapsed

between his presenting the check and the

arrival in my account of the funds needed

to honor it. I refer, of course, to the

automatic monthly deposit of my entire

salary, an arrangement which, I admit,

has been in place for only eight years. You

are to be commended for seizing that brief

window of opportunity, and also for

debiting my account $30 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience caused to your bank.



My thankfulness springs from the manner

in which this incident has caused me to

rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed

that whereas I personally attend to your

telephone calls and letters, when I try to

contact you, I am confronted by the

impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded,

faceless entity which your bank has

become.



From now on, I, like you, choose only to

deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My

mortgage and loan repayments will

therefore and hereafter no longer be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank,

by check, addressed personally and

confidentially to an employee at your

bank whom you must nominate. Be

aware that it is an offense under the

Postal Act for any other person to open

such an envelope. Please find attached

an Application Contact Status which I

require your chosen employee to

complete. I am sorry it runs to eight

pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows

about me, there is no alternative. Please

note that all copies of his or her medical

history must be countersigned by a Notary

Public, and the mandatory details of

his/her financial situation (income, debts,

assets and liabilities) must be accompanied

by documented proof. In due course, I will

issue your employee with a PIN number

which he/she must quote in dealings with

me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than

28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on

the number of button presses required of

me to access my account balance on your

phone bank service.



As they say, imitation is the sincerest form

of flattery. Let me level the playing field

even further.



When you call me,

press buttons as follows:



1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room

in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom

in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in

case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile

phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my

computer, a password to access my

computer is required. Password will

be; communicated to you at a later

date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to

listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold,

pending the attention of my automated

answering service. While this may, on

occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting

music will play for the duration of the

call. Regrettably, but again following

your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting

up of this new arrangement.



May I wish you a happy, if ever so

slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

Lydia B. Hodgson

[Nightchill]

Nice letter. Did anyone watch Brassed off Britain?

I quite like my bank (Natwest). Online banking is trés easy